CHAPTER 26
Alone at the Head Table
MAGGIE
“Heck of a wedding right, Mags?” I look up from where I’m reading an article about AI Media to see Cole MacDonald walking towards me.
“It is a really good party.” I say with a smile. When Cole reaches me, I stand and he leans in for a hug. He’s sweaty and there is a faint trace of farm animal on him. Occupational hazard, I suppose. His hug feels warm but void of the heat I would feel with Austin. I can’t help but compare. Cole looks good, rugged, but his suit fits a little loose on his frame and I miss the way Austin’s clothes were tailored to him. Urgh! I can’t get him out of my mind.
“Have you met Levi Jackson? We call him Jack. He’s new to town since you left us for bigger and better things,” Cole smiles and I know he’s teasing but that doesn’t change the sting of pain I feel. I’m sitting here, unemployed, going into a new year, single, at my younger sister’s wedding. What was the point of leaving and trying to make a name for myself if I ended up right back where I started?
“I haven’t yet. Hi Levi, I’m Maggie Collins.” I paste on a smile as I hold out my hand to shake.
“Seriously call me Jack, I barely reply to Levi anymore.” He smiles and it lights his entire face, but it doesn’t set butterflies free in my belly like Austin’s does. “It’s great to finally meet you!” He says as we shake hands.
“Finally?”
“Yeah, I’ve been following the campaign and election closely with the seniors this year.” He says as he pulls out the seat next to me. Cole leans against the side of the table and crosses his arms to follow the conversation.
“You’re a teacher?” He nods. “I can only imagine how much there was for them to learn this year.”
“The kids were really engaged. Some of them cast their first vote.” I was already into politics as a teen but I think I’d have been even more into it if he was my AP Gov teacher. “But I think the biggest thing was knowing someone from Lakeville had a hand in history being made.” He smiles again and Cole playfully punches my shoulder.
I blink deliberately because I wasn’t expecting that.
I guess it makes sense that people back home would know about my job and my involvement in the campaign but it never occurred to me that they’d tout a local connection.
“I umm, honestly don’t know what to say,” I give a little shrug. Still not believing strangers would be proud of me.
“Well, you’re a writer, not an improv comedian, and I put you on the spot.” Jack laughs, “Are you going to be in town for a few more weeks?”
“I think so, why?”
“Well, the kids come back at the end of next week. I’d love to have you visit and tell them about working on the campaign.”
“Oh? Umm.” How do I tell him I got replaced by a robot? That I got fired. That I have no career momentum and wouldn’t make a good role model for impressionable kids.
“Think about it,” Jack says as he stands. He and Cole are being called to the dance floor. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal, I mostly want to do it so I can get out of creating one lesson plan.”
He winks and I let out a little nervous laugh.
I watch the two of them join Jimmy Lewis and Holden Monaghan, also high school friends of mine, and they start to line dance to a Nine Inch Nails remix.
I can’t remember the last time I participated in dance floor antics like that. Maybe college? Even then it was rare.
I’ve been career focused for the last half of my life. And look where it got me.
I nod at my older brother CJ as he comes to sit down next to me while I take in the whole scene. Liz and Kyle's wedding is what dreams are made of. The ceiling is covered in white twinkle lights with holographic snowflakes hanging down so when people move around the lights twirl and little refractions dance on the tables and through the room.
The tables themselves have beautiful evergreen, white rose, and berry branch centerpieces that I was up until midnight putting together with Mom. The place cards are in mini snow globes that people can take home and put their own photos into.
Flameless candles are everywhere creating a romantic vibe that even the coldest hearts have to appreciate. The party has been rocking for hours. Liz and Kyle appear to be relishing every moment of their special day, as they should.
"Was it a mistake to leave home?" I ask CJ after we sat through three songs in silence.
"Hell no," he responds and shifts so he's facing me. "You and I were both destined for bigger things. I'm the head of the Emergency Department in a sizable metropolitan area. You're a sought after speech writer who just worked on the winning presidential campaign. That's huge. Way too big for Lakeville."
"Does that make us bad people? Getting out? Wanting to get out?"
"Again, no. It means we can appreciate where we came from and know there is more out there for us."
"I'm making a New Year's resolution to talk to you and Liz more." I tell him as I watch my sister get twirled around by her husband.
"I'll make a resolution to respond to you when you reach out," CJ elbows me in the side. I laugh even though I recognize that he just put the full responsibility for building a friendship on my shoulders.
“Is it weird to be home?” I ask him.
“Yes and no,” CJ says with a shrug.
“Explain.”
He laughs, “I guess it is but I think the weirdest part is how disconnected I feel. Like going home is fine, that’s family dynamics and I can handle about a day of it before I want to get back on my own terms. But I don’t feel much of anything as I drive through town.”
“Yeah, I think I get that.” I don’t admit that being home for so long without a clear end date has actually turned me onto the place. The town is cute, the people are friendly, and I appreciate slowing down a little bit. “Do you like your job?”
CJ looks at me, “What’s going on with you Maggie?”
“I dunno, I need to figure out what to do next. I’ve been working for years to get to where I was and the rug got pulled out from under me and I’m in free-fall.”
“Well, as a medical professional I can tell you that you’re handling this prolonged anxiety attack way better than most people.”
I can’t tell if he’s joking. “Thanks?”
“You’re welcome.”
“But you didn’t answer my question,” I say as I bump my shoulder with his. “Do you like being a doctor?”
“I love it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah Maggie, I get to help people through tough shit. Sometimes that’s serious wounds, heart attacks, or severe dehydration. Somedays it’s the lonely old lady who is inventing pain so she can come in and talk with us. But no matter what, I provide care. I’m there for them.”
“I didn’t realize you were such a teddy bear.”
“Don’t tell anyone, I’ve worked hard on my arrogant doctor persona.” He laughs. “But seriously, when I’m on the floor nothing else exists. I’m working, and I’m helping people.”
“Was it rewarding when you got promoted?” I ask.
“Honestly? I couldn’t care less what my title is. As long as I get to be a doctor I’m satisfied.”
CJ’s love of his work, not his job, sticks with me through the rest of the night. As I kick my heels off and walk up the carpeted stairs to my childhood bedroom, I try to hold the existential crisis at bay. I can feel my breathing speeding up and there is a distinct pinch in my chest. I rub at the spot.
I have never felt this completely lost in my entire life.
As a kid, every day was about helping my family.
In high school, I focused on getting into an Ivy League school and remedying injustices for my peers.
College was to get to law school.
Law school was to get a job.
That first job was to get the next one and so forth.
Each chapter of my life has been a stepping stone to bring me one step closer. But to what?
I slump down onto the floor and my bridesmaid dress bunches up around my waist. The fabric constricts my breathing which is shallow already. I’m just tipsy enough to have this conversation with myself.
What is my purpose?
What am I supposed to do now?
CJ is happy being a doctor.
Liz is happy being a photographer.
My mother is happy being a busybody.
My dad is happy supporting her.
But I’m not happy.
I shudder a deep breath and on the exhale I lift my gaze to the ceiling. Spiraling isn’t going to help. I need to pull myself together.
C’mon Maggie, ask yourself the question.
What will make me happy?
Was speech writing work I could do every day until the end of time like CJ?
Is it the type of work I’d try to do in my spare time like Liz did with photography?
No. Not really. I enjoyed it. I was good at it. But I wasn’t writing speeches for fun when I had time off. I thought of it as a job, not my life’s work.
I think back to when the college kids came in to learn from Sam and me. Seeing their eager faces and answering their questions was energizing. Even after I had noticed Austin in the back of the room. I was able to focus enough on leading the discussion that I remember having fun.
The trip down memory lane has calmed my nervous system. My heart rate is back to normal, the pain in my chest is gone, and my breathing is even. On weak but steady legs, I stand and change into my pajamas.
When I climb into bed I reread DCFox’s Christmas message, like I have every night since he sent it, and wish I could ask him what to do.