Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“Jane!”
It had been such a silly little accident, Jane thought they would laugh about it afterwards.
A particularly strong breeze had blown the had a few feet away, out of Jane’s reach just as she had attempted to pick it up.
She only intended to move after it quickly to prevent what had happened to take place again, but it would seem she had not only underestimated the closeness to the lake, but also failed to note of the obstacles in her path.
And so, she tripped, and fell into the lake.
It was a shocking occurrence, but she was not far from the shore so she tried to swim back, only for strong arms to wrap around her and pull her out of the lake. She resurfaced with a gasp, coughing up water as she clung to him, still trying to process what had just transpired.
“Easy,” Thomas prompted gently. “Breathe slowly, not too deeply or you could choke.”
Jane did as he instructed, swallowing around the lump in her throat before inhaling slowly. Soon, her breathing evened out and she told him shakily,
“I-I'm fine. So, you can let me –”
He ignored her, walking back to the blanket as he snapped at his valet.
“Take Reuben back to the estate, James. Now.”
The valet reached for Reuben but the child stepped way from his grasp, trying to see if Jane was all right, but Thomas did not stop walking, carrying Jane back in the direction of the estate.
“I really am all right now, Thomas. You can let me go. It was just a small mishap – our wonderful day doesn’t have to end because of it,” she tried to convince him.
“It is already over.” He told her coldly as he carried her the rest of the way into the house.
Mrs Greene was shocked at the state of the duchess but before she could kick up a fuss, the duke ordered.
“Have a fire lit up in the drawing room and then bring some blankets, along with a basin of hot water and a fresh pot of tea.”
He took Jane to the drawing room, lowering her onto a settee as a maid walked in, her arms laden with blankets. Thomas took them from her and she turned her attention to the fire place, quickly trying to get a strong flame going.
Jane thought Thomas’s reactions were a bit.
.. much, over a small accident that had not really caused any harm.
She was about to make another attempt to convince him that she was just fine, despite what he believed, but as he pulled the blankets over her, she couldn’t help but notice his hands were shaking.
This discovery surprised her and she couldn’t help but feel bad that she had caused him so much worry. But before she could speak, he stood, apparently satisfied with his work to help her regain her body warmth and he took his leave.
Jane thought he would be back soon, but every time someone opened the door, it was not him who stepped through it.
The hot water arrived and she was told to soak her feet in it while she sipped her tea before the fire. Eventually, Reuben arrived, escorted by his nanny.
Jane pouted as he flung himself into her arms, undoubtedly as worried about her as his father had been, so she wasted no time soothing him.
“I'm all right, I'm all right,” she assured him, stroking his back slowly. “I promise you; I am just fine. I am sorry we couldn’t enjoy our picnic to the fullest. We will do so next time; you have my word.”
Eventually, Reuben had to be taken away for dinner and then to retire for the night, so Jane had to let him go. She was on her second cup of tea by then and was utterly bored of her mind, but they insisted that she stay longer before the fire to warm up.
She did not know how long she was in the drawing room, but eventually, she realized the sun had set outside, and nothing had changed about her situation.
Jane was still covered in blankets, seated in front of the fireplace, nursing an empty tea cup in her hands. It had taken her moments after that realization to finally lose what was left of her patience.
She rose to her feet, stepped out of the now lukewarm water in the basin and tried to leave the drawing room, only for her advances to be intercepted by the housekeeper.
“You need to remain here, Your Grace. Please,” Mrs Greene urged gently.
“I am fine. You all are exaggerating and it was touching and amusing at first but I have grown rather tired of sitting in that chair and staring into the flames in the fireplace. Release me, lest I take leave of my senses here and now,” Jane practically begged.
“My apologies, Your Grace,” Mrs Greene apologized, looking as though she was utterly distraught to hear what Jane had said. “His Grace had given us orders not to let you leave this room. So... please, stay. And recover properly.”
The entire thing was quite ridiculous and Jane was starting to feel angry.
If he was worried about her, why was he not here? How dare he lock her up and claim it was for her own good?
“Mrs Greene, please just –”
The door fell open and Thomas walked into the room, mildly startled to see them standing by the door. Jane faced him as Mrs Greene excused herself quickly, looking anxious.
“How are you?” Thomas asked, regarding her wearily.
Jane tried to tell herself that he was only worried about her, hence his pensiveness, so she calmed down.
“I am fine. This is... very sweet of you, trying to ensure that I am doing all right.”
He nodded, looking uncertain before he turned away and started to walk to the door. Swiftly, Jane reached for his hand, effectively stopping him.
“Stay. Please. If you are unwilling to release me from my confinement, then you could keep me company. At least,” she told him gently.
He nodded, allowing her to lead him back to the settee. They sat together in silence for a moment, staring at the fire. Jane snuck a glance at him, noticing his rigid posture, clearing her throat before she asked.
“Are you all right?”
Thomas glanced at her, then nodded.
“I am. Why do you ask?”
Jane inhaled deeply, prompting herself to speak slowly, so she doesn’t say the wrong thing by accident.
“Well, I could not help but notice that you seemed rather... concerned for my well-being. I do appreciate it – truly. But I fear that I might have inconvenienced you.”
“You did not,” he stated simply.
“Well, otherwise seems to be the case. It was careless of me, I admit. But it was a small accident, and I wasn’t too far from the shore. I would have been fine,” she told him gently.
Thomas exhaled, slow and long, before he nodded.
“I know that now.”
“So why did you react that way earlier?” she questioned.
Thomas leaned against the back of their seat, his eyes still trained on the flames as his jaw tensed slightly.
“I was scared... I thought that if I had not been fast enough, I would have lost you too. My late wife... Eliza was unwell. And shortly after Reuben turned three, she grew even more unstable. She was violent and angry and I did my best to stay out of her way, hoping that my absence would bring her some semblance of peace. Then one night, she ran out of the house during a storm and I tried to go after her. I tried to find her and bring her back and I couldn’t. ”
He paused, pushing his hair off his forehead with his right hand, so she could see his temple clearly. Jane peered closer, noticing a thick, jagged scar that ran across the middle of his forehead to his right temple, nearly grazing his eyebrow.
“I couldn’t see very well and tripped and hit my head against a rock.
I kept going anyway and I still couldn’t find her, so I hoped that she had returned home or would do so.
Two days later, Reuben found her body in the garden.
I couldn’t help but blame myself for what happened.
I should have been able to do better, I should have protected her and because I failed.
.. I have grown afraid of seeing people get hurt in front of me.
When I looked up and you were gone – completely out of sight, something in me was immediately unsettled.
I acted rather impulsively and I am sorry.
For that and for leaving you alone. I needed to calm myself down, because I knew it would be of no use – if I kept acting like an overbearing mother of a young cub,” he lowered his head in shame.
Jane felt bad for not realizing that he had panicked and was only responding to the pain and grief the past had scarred him with. Slowly, she shuffled closer and put her hand on his gently.
“Thank you, for saving me and ensuring I was taken care of. You are a good man, Thomas. I wish you would not allow yourself to be haunted by what happened then. None of it was your fault. You did what you could – you went out to search for her. You even sustained an injury in the process. None of that was your fault,” she assured softy.
The more she got to know him, the more apparent it became that he was nothing like she had believed him to be.
“I cannot help but feel as though I am consistently falling short at everything I try to do, everything I attempt to accomplished. My family... they did not care for me in the slightest. They had their heir and spare, so I was useless. I was constantly ignored, overlooked, and no matter what I did, I could not compare to my older brothers and sister. Eventually, they sent me of to join the army – as that was the only way I could make myself useful to the family. Things weren’t better there, as you can imagine, with me being in the middle of a war zone and all.
After two years, I received word that my entire family had passed from a disease that claimed them rather quickly and I was expected to return and assume the title of duke.
My parents had already signed a marriage contract with a woman who was meant to be my older brother’s betrothed, for the sake of the title, so I had to marry her, now that he was no more.
“I thought it would not matter much who I was, since it had been an arranged marriage. Or rather... I had hoped, but that was not the case. Eliza was greatly dissatisfied with our union and I realized that far too late. She seemed to hate me from the moment we met. I held the belief that she would adjust in time – after all, I had not expected to marry either, but there was little we could do about it. However, she was intent on hating me for as long as she lived. Nothing I did was right. She complained about my scars, called me inept and soon, the unhappiness she felt about our marriage started to reflect in the way she related with Reuben. She hated him as well and in a bid to stay away from her, I began to avoid him as well, since their rooms were close to each other. I suppose that was how I unintentionally built a rift between Reuben and I. And then she started to fall ill. I did everything I could – summoned all sorts of doctors but none of them could help her properly. And she only grew worse, losing her mind gradually, until that night. I still see her face in my dreams, how vacant her eyes looked when we found her, alerted by Reuben’s screams. She must have died from a fever, all alone in the dark. I just wish –”
“You cannot fix it now. You did what you could then – and you did quite a bit. You deserve more credit than you have allowed yourself to have in the last few years. It was not your fault, Thomas. You are a good man. It is evident in how much you care for Reuben. How much you care for me. You should give yourself more leeway,” Jane insisted, moving closer to him.
He looked at her, his eyes carrying so much pain and exhaustion, Jane wished she could embrace him and shoulder some of his burdens. She raised her hand to his face, lightly tracing his scars with the tips of her fingers.
“It is such a shame,” she whispered as her eyes trailed after her finger as she caressed along his jaw, over his cheek, across his forehead.
“That she could not see your scars with the same interest I do. I see a man who has fought to survive and emerged form a hell many cannot even fathom. I see a brave man who did not give up on his duties or falter when it came to doing what was right. I see a very handsome, very charming man who is an excellent husband and father.”
She was so close.
Every time Thomas allowed himself to focus, even slightly on the warmth of her skin against his, he could feel a hunger rising within him.
He had managed to keep it at bay, but with Jane so close, he could feel all of his yearning threaten to burst through his pores and reveal to her the many things he had thought about doing to her many times in the past.
Right now, he wanted to kiss her.
But he could not. He had said too much, had shown much more of himself than he ever had to anyone else and he should have not. The vulnerability threatened to smother him, so he rose to his feet quickly.
“I am glad, that you are all right. You should rest, as soon as you can.”
Confusion settled upon her lovely features but she nodded.
“I will. Good night, Thomas.”
He nodded and briskly left the drawing room, heading straight to his drawing room. In there, he poured himself a drink and downed the entire glass right after.
He poured another one and leaned against his desk, drinking it much slower than he had done the first, allowing his mind to wander momentarily.
Every day, Jane was proving to be less and less what he had expected her to be and he was certain now that was not a good thing. It was dangerous, for him and for Reuben.
And he was not sure if he would be able to handle himself for much longer.
Eventually, he finished his drink and carried himself to bed, still feeling her fingertips caressing his face.