41. Jack
Chapter 41
Jack
W hy does it take something as stupid as a broken door to bring everything into focus? He has been feeling trapped for a while, not really knowing what he wants, where his future lies, but finding himself actually trapped, unable to get out of that room, unable to get to Molly as he’d promised he would, having no choice, that was something else entirely. He knows what he wants and it’s Molly. He can’t imagine not having her in his life, can’t imagine that little baby being brought up without him.
Jack has been too involved in work, too involved in himself, to see what really matters. He’s not some frightened teenager anymore. This is not some accidental pregnancy to run from. It’s Molly. His wife. The woman he loves. And this is their baby. Something they have made together, and will love together, see moving on the screen together, willy or not, if only he can get to the scan in time. If only she can forgive him if he can’t.
The car slips through the traffic like a knife through butter. Syd, it has to be said, is a bloody good driver. If there’s a gap, he gets through it with inches to spare. If there’s a light about to change, he manages to time getting through it perfectly. What would have taken him God knows how long on foot and by train takes Syd less than twenty minutes.
It’s half past four and the hospital entrance is in sight, but there’s a queue of cars, stuck behind an ambulance, not moving fast enough, not moving at all. Jack flings open the car door, leaps out, yells a hurried ‘Thank you’ and runs like mad.
There she is! Molly, sitting on a bench seat by the entrance, between a nurse reading a newspaper and a heavily pregnant woman in a dressing gown and slippers, puffing away on a cigarette. Their weekend case is on the ground by Molly’s feet, and that carrier thing she bought for lugging her cupcakes about. She’s holding her phone in her hand, looking at the screen, and he has an awful feeling it’s him she’s looking for on it. A call, a text, anything…
‘Mol!’ he shouts as he runs towards her, out of breath, his tie flapping around his neck.
She looks up, but her expression gives nothing away. ‘You made it then? At last.’ She puts her phone back in her handbag. ‘Where the hell were you, Jack? You know the appointment was at four, don’t you? And it’s…’ She makes a point of looking at her watch.
The nurse gets up from the seat, folds her paper and walks back into the building behind them, and Jack thumps down in her place. ‘I know, I know. I should have been here, but you’ll never believe what happened…’
‘I’m not sure I want to hear it, Jack. It’ll just be an excuse, won’t it? Something about work and how important this project is, and how you lost track of time. I’ve heard all this stuff before. But this was important too. Don’t you get that?’
‘Of course I do. And I’m sorry, Mol. So sorry. It’s not too late though, is it? Can’t we go back inside, ask to have the scan again? So I can see whatever it is that you’ve seen?’
‘It’s the NHS, Jack. Do you think they have the time or the resources to let you waltz in there and expect, or demand, that they do it all again? And why? Because you couldn’t be bothered to get there the first time?’
He feels deflated. He has no idea what to do next.
‘So, did you? See if it’s a boy or a girl?’
‘Do you really care one way or the other?’
‘Yes!’ He picks up her hand. It’s cold. She doesn’t pull it away, which has to be a good sign. ‘Tell me, Mol. Please.’
‘I made cakes,’ she says, not answering his question, tipping her head towards the carrier thing on the ground. ‘Pink middles, blue middles, covering both possibilities. Once we knew what we’re having, I was going to get rid of the wrong ones, and take the right ones with us on the train. I thought we could hand them round, to the whole family at dinner tonight, let them all find out together. I hadn’t expected to have to give you one too. That you’d be as much in the dark as the rest of them. What happened to us being a couple, Jack? To sharing moments like these?’
‘I am so, so sorry. What else can I do? And if eating one of your cakes is the only way I have of finding out, then come on, hand one over. I love your cakes. You know I do. So, I’ll eat the whole lot if I have to. So long as there are no lumps of molten glass inside them. Or cyanide!’ He thinks he sees a hint of a smile on her face at the mention of the poison. ‘I just want to know what we’re having.’
He lets go of her hand, leans down and picks up the carrier. ‘Hang on. It’s so light. This thing can’t be full of cake. What did you do? Throw them away in a fit of anger or something?’
‘No. I got rid of them.’
‘What? All of them? What happened to taking some home tonight? How are we going to let the family know if it’s a boy or a girl now?’
‘We’re not.’
He gazes at her, confused. ‘Why not?’
‘Because we can’t tell them something we don’t know ourselves, that’s why.’
‘But…’
‘I don’t know what we’re having, Jack. They did all the measurements and things, and the baby is doing fine. Everything in the right place, the right size, but when they got to the bit where they asked me if I wanted to know the sex… well, I said no.’
‘So you don’t…?’
‘I have no idea, Jack. It’s something I wanted us to find out together. Still do.’
‘But you said they won’t repeat the scan.’
‘They won’t, no. But there are private places that will do it for us. It will cost a bit, but everyone says the scan pictures are fantastic, really detailed, much better than the basic one we would have seen today. Here, look, I was just looking them up on Google when you – finally – turned up.’ She takes her phone out and flicks to the website, places it in his hand.
‘Oh.’ He doesn’t know what else to say. He slips one arm across her shoulders and pulls her in close, kisses her cheek. ‘I thought you’d be so mad at me. You’d have every right.’
‘I know. And I was. I am. But… well, this baby needs a daddy. And, despite everything, I need you too. So, what do you say? Shall we? Book a scan and meet our baby? Together?’
‘Yes. Yes, please.’
‘And you’ll be there this time? No work, no excuses?’
‘I will. I absolutely will. And, thank you.’
‘What for?’
‘For putting up with me being an idiot these last few weeks. Burying myself in work, burying my stupid head in the sand. But there are reasons I was so rattled by it all… well, excuses probably, not reasons. But, you know, a pregnancy I hadn’t expected, hadn’t planned…’
‘It surprised me too.’
‘I know it did. But there are things I’ve never told you, things that happened when I was a kid, but I will. This evening, on the train, I’ll tell you, I promise. Because they don’t mean a thing anymore. And I do love you, Mol. And this baby too. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I suppose so. Fool that I am.’ She shakes her head and snuggles into him. ‘Come on, we’ve got a train to catch.’
He stands up and lifts their bag in one hand, the empty cake carrier in the other. ‘What did happen to the cakes?’
‘I gave them to the hospital. For the nurses to share, or to give to the patients after their scans. And left a few of my business cards too. Angela, that’s the woman who did the scan, said she thought they were a great idea, something so many of their patients would love.’
‘You are becoming a real little businesswoman, aren’t you?’
‘I’m trying. But maybe not so little these days.’ She puts her hand on her rounded belly and, in a sudden rush of love, Jack kneels down on the cold concrete and kisses it. ‘Our own little secret centre!’ he says, a sudden sense of wonder running through him as he imagines the tiny person lying just beneath her skin, his son or daughter slowly growing inside her.
She laughs and runs her fingers through his hair.
‘Am I forgiven?’ he says, wobbling back onto his feet.
‘You’re on probation. In fact, if you’re good, I might even give you a dog biscuit!’
He has no idea what she’s talking about, but Syd’s words ring in his ears. Him in the doghouse. Woof, woof! How could she possibly know?
‘A new gingerbread recipe. They’re shaped like dogs. I made them for Sian, but I can spare a couple. Something for you to nibble on the train.’
‘I’d rather nibble you,’ he says, nuzzling her ear and making her laugh again.
He doesn’t see her feel for the scan picture in her pocket. She does not take it out to show him. A beautiful image of their tiny baby girl. He’s not the only one to have secrets and this is hers, for now.