Chapter 50 #4
“Let go of me.” The words came out a whisper, and I wasn’t sure if they were a command or a plea. I didn’t know if I wanted to kill or kiss him, and I hated wanting the latter for even a second. My heart pounded too fast and hard before settling into a slower rhythm, syncing with his.
His thumb slid over my wrist before he gently released me.
“I would have followed you anywhere, Dianna. All you had to do was ask. Instead, you used me. You used every single bit of knowledge you had on me to hurt me, my family, and my friends. You threw things I confided to you back at me without a moment’s thought.
I have been stabbed, tortured, and nearly decapitated.
All in service to my home and kingdom. But nothing has hurt me as you have. Nothing.”
I lowered my gaze, unable to face his pain. “If you want an apology from me, you won’t get it.”
“I don’t. I can take your anger and hate. All I want for you is healing. I know the path you are on, and as difficult as it is, the only way out is through. And if I have to be the one who shows you that, then so be it because I will not sit by while you tear yourself apart.”
His words ricocheted in my chest, leaving me breathless and tearing at my already wounded heart.
My eyes burned, a dam threatening to break, releasing emotions I’d done my damndest to bury.
I hated him. How dare he make me feel by just being in his presence?
I hated that the words he said were like a battering ram against the wall I’d so painstakingly built over these last few months.
I hated that I cared so godsdamned much.
So I did what I always did and reacted like a venomous snake, all fangs and lethal bite.
“So what? Are you going to keep me here for a thousand years so I can wallow in guilt and weep over my dead relatives like you?”
A storm didn’t gather, and the world didn’t shake as I spat those words at him. He didn’t take the bait, only met my eyes stare for stare. We were an immovable object and an unstoppable force. We didn’t fear the other but threatened to batter ourselves bloody.
His head only tilted to the side. “Have you even mourned yet? Have you cried?”
“What?” I hissed.
“I don’t believe you have. You’ve been so preoccupied and busy trying to fill that void inside of you with blood, death, and mortals less deserving of you.
You’ve been doing anything you can to keep moving because you know the second you stop, you’ll feel all of it.
So you lash out and attack because anger is better than grief.
It’s better than reliving every memory, good and bad, every laugh and smile, everything you said or could have said.
It’s better than knowing that no amount of flesh or blood you take in vengeance will erase the fact that you have truly lost her forever. ”
My hand whipped out again, only this time it connected. I slapped him hard enough to make my palm and wrist sting. I knew he’d sensed it and could have stopped it, yet he hadn’t.
“I hate you.”
“That’s good.” He lifted my hand and pressed a kiss to my palm. “At least you feel something. What else? Tell me more.”
“Fuck you.” I yanked my hand from his grip.
Samkiel took a step closer, taking up every inch of my personal space.
My back hit the wall again, and I tipped my head to look up at him.
The all-powerful god king stared down at me, every soft edge gone under that blistering stare, and I’d be a damned fool to say how much of a thrill it sent through me.
He braced his forearms against the wall on either side of me, his body hot, massive, and overwhelming.
I wasn’t afraid of him. I never was. Fear was not something either of us felt toward the other.
“Do you need me to? Does it help? I assumed you had your fill on Onuna.” A ring of silver lined his irises, and I didn’t want to remember or think about what that meant.
“But given how furiously you kissed me last time, I would wager you didn’t find release with the mortals you allowed to touch you.
So my guess is that you are still deprived, my Dianna. ”
His eyes skittered across my face and lower, my body going hot. I hadn’t heard that endearment in so long, I damn near purred. He fit the hard planes of his body against me, and my belly clenched. Something else replaced my anger, something far more intense and dangerous for both of us.
Overwhelming guilt slammed into me, and I pushed at him. He stepped back, allowing me room to breathe, but not by much. “What, are you judging me now on how I decide to heal?”
“Judge? Not at all. The things I have done to keep myself from feeling far outnumber yours and forever will. Trust me. You’d have to live a millennium to catch up to me.
” He scoffed. “You’re right that I don’t get to dictate how you heal, but gods, Dianna, you could’ve used me.
I would have let you, and you know it. Anything you desired, whenever you wanted, any way you wished. All you have to do is ask.”
My body trembled with the effort to keep from throwing myself at him and accepting all he offered.
I ached to let him take me right here against this godsdamned wall.
I knew he meant what he said. He’d given me several demonstrations of how well he could distract me, but it wouldn’t help heal what was broken and wrong and angry inside of me. I was afraid nothing could.
“That’s great.” My voice didn’t sound nearly as stern as I wanted it to. “I’ll pass. Can you move now?”
A small smile spread across his face as he caught my eyes lingering on his lips, and I hated him even more.
He leaned forward, and I held my breath, assuming he was about to test my conviction and prove me a liar.
I would be lying if I said my mouth didn’t open slightly in anticipation.
He was a hair’s breadth away before he pushed off the wall and headed toward the foyer.
I took a deep breath, taking the time to regain what little composure I had left and convince myself I was not disappointed.
Pushing from the wall, I followed after him.
Samkiel gathered some papers from the table in the middle of the room and picked up a jacket he’d thrown over the back of a chair. “I’ll be back in a few days.”
“A few days?” My voice emerged shrill, and I nearly winced.
“Yes. I have a lot to catch up on with the council. You have been in and out of consciousness for a week.”
A week? My mind scrambled, trying to process everything but getting stuck on just one piece of information. Three days? Here? Alone? My fingers bit into my palms. No, I couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave me alone like that with only my thoughts. I’d drown.
“You can’t leave me here that long.”
He slipped his arms through the smooth jacket sleeves, the heavy muscles of his biceps straining the fabric. My gaze lingered a fraction too long, and I struggled to pull my attention away.
“Yes, I can, and you won’t be alone. The Hand will check on you. You have food, clothes, and everything you need here. I made sure of it.”
That was when the pieces clicked, and my breath hitched. Samkiel hadn’t remade this massive palace for himself. He’d made it for me. A warm feeling I thought I’d buried with Gabby stirred.
And a lock on a door in a house rattled.
“... you merely speak my true name if you have the slightest headache, and I’ll return sooner than I intend.”
I shook my head, not realizing he had been talking this entire time. “Samkiel, I’m not your pet.” I squared my shoulders. “I won’t remain locked up, nor will I stay.”
He fixed his collar before dropping his hands to his sides. “Yes, you will. There are about a hundred or more acres of forest surrounding this place. It would take you weeks to walk to the city, and that is if some creature did not make a meal of you first.”
“So I am a prisoner, then?” I folded my arms. “Are you going to bring out handcuffs next?”
“Is that something you would like?” he asked.
I felt my cheeks blaze hot and instantly regretted bringing it up and changed the subject. “How long do I have to stay here?”
“You’re a criminal, both on Onuna and here on Rashearim. So it’s either this, or you rot in a prison cell beneath the council hall.”
“What?”
His brows furrowed. “What did you think would happen after you rampaged across Onuna and damn near destroyed the world? Consequences, Dianna, your actions have consequences.”
I wrapped my arms around myself so tight I could have broken a rib. Samkiel tucked a stack of papers and a book beneath his arm and stepped closer.
“Can you answer one thing for me? Honestly?”
I rolled my eyes. “We’re playing this game again?”
Samkiel didn’t say anything. He just stood there, watching me and waiting.
“Fine. What?” I grumbled. I knew I sounded petulant, and I didn’t care. He was leaving me.
“You weren’t planning to come back to me at all, were you?”
I heard the pain in his voice, and a part of me ached, but I knew it had been the only choice. He deserved so much better.
“No.”
He nodded and turned away.
“You would have been happy,” I said to his retreating back. “If you would have just let me go and kept your warriors out of my way. This would have been over, and you could have made this damned castle for your rightful queen.”
Samkiel glanced at me over his shoulder, a small glow of silver dancing behind his storm-filled eyes. “You’re a fool if you think I would be happy in a world where you did not exist.”
I’d expected anger. I always did when I lashed out, but not this. No, this was so much worse. It extinguished every bit of flame and rage that sustained me. I turned my head away from him.
“This is the safest place for you right now. No matter how much you despise me, I will not have you rotting in a cell. I couldn’t bear it. So I will give you your space while I try to figure everything else out.”
I didn’t look back as his footsteps faded away. A pop of bright light raced past the window, and I was completely alone once more. I reached up, rubbing my hands over my face, contemplating everything that had happened in the last few days, months, and hours.
Dropping my hands, I looked around the massive room.
The dark green and gold-trimmed walls, the sparkling chandeliers, and the plush, comfortable furniture were beyond beautiful.
My eyes caught on the blanket draped over the end of the long lounge couch.
A glass sat on the side table, and a stack of books rested on the floor within easy reach.
Samkiel had been sleeping down here. I looked up, remembering the layout of the second level.
This spot was right below the bed I’d slept in.
If I had made even the slightest sound, he would have heard.
My chest tightened, some flicker of emotion trying to claw its way through my shields.
I moved away from the couch, unable to process what that all meant.
I sat on the window seat, piled with large overstuffed pillows, staring out at the beautiful day.
The distant mountains taunted me, rolling pink clouds obscuring their peaks.
If I had to be in a prison, at least this was a pretty one.
My hand rested under my chin as I sighed, contemplating what I should even do here. The sun bathed the forest, but I saw no birds flitting through the trees or small creatures scurrying about.
Why couldn’t he just give up on me like everyone else? Damn him, and damn me for even caring. I heard the telltale pop of someone portalling in behind me and stood, turning toward the approaching footsteps.
“Forget something? Or maybe you want to start another pointless argument…”
My words died as Neverra appeared in the entryway.
Alone.
“Hi.”