Chapter Eighteen
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Mason
“Earth to Mason! Are you in there?” West asked, waving his hand in front of my face and making me jump, nearly dropping the twenty-five-kilogram plate I’d been holding onto my foot.
“Shit the bed,” I said as I fumbled and caught it, narrowly avoiding my toe. “What was that for?”
“You’ve been staring into space for the past five minutes.”
“Why didn’t you just call my name?”
“I have been… repeatedly,” West said, shooting me a look as he folded his arms. “I was this close to prodding you in the ribs to see if that did anything.”
“Fair point,” I said, shaking my head and finally sliding the plate onto the end of the bar that was racked in front of me. We were in the gym for our morning workout and all around us the rest of the team were occupied with various machines, weight racks, and free weights. There was music playing but it was more background noise to the various grunts, groans, and conversations. Gyms were one of the best and worst places to have a conversation because it was hard to tell if anyone else was listening or not until they interrupted. Or you heard your conversation going around as gossip two days later. “What’s up? Did you need something?”
“No, but what’s up with you?” West asked, taking the spare plates I handed him and slotting them back into place. West and I tended to double up on machines so one of us could rest while the other did their set and then swap.
“Nothing. I’m just… tired.” It was a piss-poor answer and one he’d see straight through but what the fuck was I supposed to say to him? I’ve been hooking up with Ryan and I’m definitely queer but the main problem is that this was only supposed to be temporary and the idea of giving it up is fucking with my head because I can’t imagine anything worse?
I mean, I didn’t expect West to act badly, but that was a lot of information for me to throw at him in one go. And this probably wasn’t the best place to do it either. Especially not with Danny and Charlie on the machines across from us, and Danny being the biggest gossip who ever lived. Not that Charlie was much better, he was just a tiny bit more subtle about it.
West didn’t say anything. Instead he watched me as I put more plates onto the bar in preparation for my squats. I felt his eyes boring into the side of my head and tried to ignore the squirming in my stomach. West was my best mate in the world and I hated keeping things from him, but I didn’t even know where to start.
And there was a heavy fear in my gut whispering that West would freak out as soon as I told him—accuse me of keeping secrets, of doing stupid things, of… not really being queer. Which was stupid as fuck because West was bisexual and we’d had so many conversations about acceptance and sexuality over the years, and I’d always been the first to stick up for him when someone on the team was being a biphobic dick and calling it banter.
West had always been the sort who didn’t want to make a big deal out of things because he’d been so worried that people wouldn’t want him on the team if he kicked up a fuss. It was only after some shit had gone down with Rory and our ex-housemate and prize wanker, Guy, that West had really started to plant his feet and push back.
If there was anyone who’d understand what I was going through, it was West.
But that didn’t mean the idea of coming out and telling him everything wasn’t terrifying.
“You know I won’t push,” West said as I ducked under the bar, letting it rest on my shoulders, my fingers gripping the cool metal tightly. “But if there is anything you want to talk about, I’m always here. And I’ll never judge you.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said, stepping back and shouldering the weight, letting my feet fall into the correct position before I began to sink down into a deep squat. “I’m just… figuring some shit out.”
“About you? Or about you and Ryan?”
It was a good thing I’d stood back up before he’d said that because otherwise I’d have gone crashing to the floor in shock. “What?”
“Keep squatting,” West said firmly. “You’ve got another nine to go.”
“And you expect me to keep talking to you?”
“Maybe. At least you can’t run away then.”
“That’s a dick move, Russell.”
West snorted. “And? Come on, get your bum lower. Do I need to put a bench underneath you?”
“I’m going,” I said, squatting deeper and feeling the burn in my thighs and my butt. Ryan really loved my legs and the last time I’d complained the muscles were sore, he’d made me strip down and lie on the bed, and then he’d kissed up and down my thighs and all across my ass before burying his face between my cheeks and slowly eating my hole.
It had been several years since I’d had a partner who’d wanted to do that to me, and I’d forgotten just how fucking good it felt to have a tongue teasing the sensitive skin. And the way Ryan had gotten into it… the sounds he’d made… fuck, it’d been a whole new experience. One I was still reliving over and over in my head whenever I closed my eyes.
We’d still not gone as far as fully penetrative anal sex, but I wanted to. I wanted to fuck Ryan until they screamed my name, giving them so much pleasure they could barely walk afterwards. And I wanted them to fuck me too… to take me hard and deep until nothing else in the universe existed except them.
I knew I’d gone far past the point of casual hook-up with a friend, but I had no idea how to ask for more. Or whether Ryan would even want that with me.
The simple solution would be to grow up and talk to him about it, but if I did that and he rejected me, I knew I’d be crushed. And yes, maybe I’d get over it in time, but there was a nagging doubt in my chest that told me getting over Ryan wouldn’t be easy.
That maybe it wouldn’t be possible at all.
And fuck me if that wasn’t a terrifying thought.
“That’s two,” West said as I stood again. “Look, if you really don’t want to talk about it, then we won’t. But I’ve seen you with women in bars and you’ve never been as convincing a flirt as you were the other night.”
I turned West’s words over in my head as I squatted, trying to focus on my form instead of the way my stomach was twisting and bile was rising in my throat.
“It’s okay,” West said, stepping a bit closer and lowering his voice. “If you like him. If you’re bi or pan or whatever label feels most comfortable. I promise, it’s okay.”
I nodded and racked the bar, my head spinning. I’d not even managed half my set but my muscles felt like wet spaghetti and my chest was heaving. “Yeah, I… I know…”
West put his hand on my shoulder and nodded his head at the door. “Come on, let’s go outside for a minute.”
I glanced around the gym but nobody was paying any attention to us. I knew we’d be missed, but now we’d started this conversation, I needed to finish it. I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything until I’d gotten everything out. “Yeah, all right.”
West kept his hand on my shoulder as he steered me towards the double doors at the front of the gym and out into the corridor. I’d thought we were going to stop there but we kept going down the stairs and out the back doors next to the canteen that led to the training pitches. There were some concrete steps there and nobody else around, not even the grounds staff. West gestured to the steps and sat down, tilting his head up to enjoy the light breeze rustling through the trees that stood at the far side of the training ground. It was another warm day but it was overcast for once, with thick grey clouds filling the sky, idly reminding me that summer would soon draw to a close.
I lowered myself down next to West, stretching my arms out behind me so I could lean on them and watch the curling edges of the clouds as they slowly drifted along.
“So…” West said after we’d sat in silence for a few minutes. “You and Ryan?”
“Yeah,” I said, not looking at him. “Me and Ryan.” There was another long pause. West didn’t say anything, just sat and waited quietly, letting me gather my thoughts and find the courage to speak. “It started about three, maybe four weeks ago? I, er, I kinda walked in on him jerking off and instead of leaving, I, er, I stood and… watched him.” I felt my face burning, my foot tapping on the concrete as nervous energy fizzled inside me. But West still didn’t say anything and when I looked at him, he simply nodded and smiled, waiting for me to continue. There was no judgement in his eyes, nothing beyond gentle support.
“And I also kind of… got myself off too. It was… yeah.” I shook my head. “Anyway, a couple of days later Ryan aske d if I was bi and if I wanted to explore that side of myself a bit more. He offered to help me and I just… I don’t know. I’ve always thought he was cute, so I said yes and now…” I sighed. “The weird thing is, I’m not sure that me being queer is the bit my brain is struggling with. I think part of me has known for a long time. I’ve just been waiting for the rest of me to catch up. It’s that I think I really like Ryan and I’m not sure what to do. Like, what if I do like him and I ask how he’d feel about us being together and he laughs at me?”
“I don’t think Ryan would laugh at you,” West said, rolling with the change in the conversation like it was just water running off a duck’s back. He’d always been a pretty calm guy, but even I was surprised at how chilled he was about this whole thing. Had he somehow known about me? If he had, it would’ve been nice of him to point it out. Or maybe it was some kind of unspoken queer rule that you had to let people figure this shit out for themselves.
I was surprised Theo, West’s sparkling older brother who we gamed with every week and who never kept his opinion to himself, hadn’t said anything if it had been that obvious. Then again, if West had sworn him to secrecy, Theo would’ve kept it.
Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was the last to know about my own goddamn sexuality.
“He still might turn me down,” I said, my eyes watching the trees on the far side of the training ground wave in the breeze.
“True, but if he did, it would be gently.”
“I don’t know how I’d feel about that. ”
“Probably the same as if you were turned down by anyone you liked.”
“Totally crushed?”
West put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. “Maybe, but it wouldn’t be like that forever. Even if it feels like it at the time. Think about every time you’ve been turned down before. Some of those must have hurt?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I thought back through all the times women had turned me down in the past and my numerous break-ups over the years. Some of them had definitely hurt, one or two of them had broken my heart, and the rest I’d always just chalked up to experience.
It was like rugby—there were always tackles I was going to miss, mistakes I was going to make, and hits I’d take that would hurt harder than the rest, but that was just the way it was. You couldn’t win everything, in rugby or in life, and while some losses would cut deep, some were inevitable and there was no point getting worked up over them. Especially not to the point where I was being a raging dickhead.
“This feels different,” I added slowly as I finished turning my thoughts over. “I don’t know why, though.”
“Is it because Ryan’s the first person you’ve been with who isn’t a woman?” West asked. “Or is it because you feel something for them? And I’m not asking that to be a dick. I’m asking because I don’t want you to throw yourself into something and get hurt. Especially because you live together, and that makes things complicated.”
“It’s a fair question. And I don’t want to put our friendship at risk but I guess we’ve already done that anyway. I mean, it could end amicably. Run its course and we move on like adults. But there’s also a chance it could blow up in our faces.”
West nodded and squeezed my shoulder again. “There is. But whatever happens, I’ll be here.”
“I know you will,” I said. “And thanks for not making a big deal out of this.”
“Of course. We’ve always been there for each other and this doesn’t change anything.” He smiled at me warmly. “You’re still my best friend, and you always will be.”
“Thanks.” I grinned, feeling slightly less messy than I had twenty minutes before. “Do you mind not telling Rory yet? I know he won’t tell anyone but—”
“My lips are sealed.” He mimed zipping his mouth shut and then added, “We better get back before Gavin comes to find us and makes us explain ourselves while doing extra sets.”
I chuckled as we stood, stretching my arms above my head. “Simple, one of us is having a family emergency and the other is helping us through it.”
“Done,” West said. “Although you’ll have to be the one with the emergency. Everyone knows I’ve only got Theo and his only emergencies are related to wedding planning. Oh, you’ll get a formal save the date, but put a note in your diary for Halloween next year. It’s a Friday.”
“I’m getting invited?” I asked as we turned to walk back into the training centre.
“Yeah,” West said, clearly surprised by my reaction. “You’re practically family.”
“Thanks,” I said, genuinely touched that they’d include me, even though we’d only met a couple of times in person. “I can’t wait!” That would be fun and knowing Theo and his fiancé, Laurie, it would be a spectacular gothic affair in black, pink, and a shit ton of glitter.
I wondered if I’d be allowed to bring a date.
I was sure Ryan would love it.