Chapter fourteen
"I've been questioning a lot of things," I told Dr. Cavan.
Was it fucked up, that some part of me was afraid of him judging me?
That I was afraid of being a cliché, a pathetic closet case?
I didn't want him to look down on me. But also, this was his job, and he'd handled things fine in the previous conversations related to same sex attraction.
And who else was I going to talk to about this?
At some point, I had to get it out and figure it out, or just go nuts. This was bothering me, and it wasn't going away on its own.
"I'm starting to wonder if I would be bi, if I'd ever given myself a chance to find out. I'm kind of mad at myself for not being willing to look at it sooner. But I can't wait any longer."
"I see. Do you feel like this is about your partner? Arlie, wasn't it?" He didn't leap up and make faces of shock and surprise, so maybe it wasn't exactly a shocker. Or he was just being professional.
I had to stop worrying about what he thought of me and just talk.
"No. I mean, yes? Kind of? I'm happy for him.
He's dating guys now, and he seems like he's a lot happier.
I realized I'm kind of jealous, like he's figuring his stuff out, and I've always been afraid to go there.
" I waved my hands, as if 'there' was a vague concept, instead of exactly what it was: being into guys.
"Do you think you're feeling envious of him trying new things or simply having a connection with someone?"
"Both, I guess. I wish I had that, something like that connection, you know?
A safe, trusting, affectionate sort of thing.
It sounds weird, but I don't feel like I've ever really had that.
It was just...missing." I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to be calm, and finally I admitted the worst part.
"I've tried so hard with women. But it's never.
..easy. Like, actual connection, not just sex.
Sex is fine, it's not that. It's everything else.
Even when I'm dating, even when I'm really all in. "
"Could you tell me what you mean when you say 'sex is fine?'"
Oh, shit. He was honing in on that part. Was that not a good thing to say?
"What I mean is, I've always been able to have sex with women and enjoy it, at least in the moment. I haven't had complaints. I've found plenty of women attracted to me, and basically, sex hasn't been a problem. I've had lots of sex with women."
That probably sounded incredibly pretentious and defensive. But it was all true. I just had to add the rest of it, because that was true, too.
I took a deep breath and added, "It's just that afterwards, sometimes I feel kind of gross and disconnected, and the emotional stuff just doesn't seem to be there.
And when I saw the feelings seemed like they were there—or starting to be there—for Arlie and Mason, like that connection was happening even though they were still so new.
..I felt jealous. Like it was easy—they didn't have to try so damn hard. "
I rubbed my forehead, trying to hold back my angst. I hadn't meant to get so emotional. Saying it all out loud like that, in plain words, felt very vulnerable, and it didn't sound like something straight at all.
It sounded pretty gay.
And I wished that didn't sound like an insult to me, but it still did.
Words and phrases that had been thrown at me mockingly in my youth echoed back now, a horrible parody of bullying you'd see in some kind of PSA about the topic.
But it was my life, and not a joke, and it had really hurt.
And maybe fucked me up a little, too. Of course, I was an adult now, but the fact that I hadn't been willing to even think about the possibility of being attracted to men until now meant I hadn't exactly shaken it off easily, didn't it?
I took a shaky breath and went on, while he waited for me, not pushing me, not giving input yet either. I guess he knew I had more to say. Or was too stunned to speak, though probably not that.
"They had permission to feel those things for each other, and they did.
And I'd never even let myself think about it, much less take the chance to find out.
" I finally looked at my therapist, meeting his calm gaze.
"I felt jealous that I hadn't found out sooner—tried to date guys in college, maybe.
See if there was that connection and emotional stuff, instead of trying too hard with women and never getting what I want. "
I took a deep breath. "Even with Darby. I was all in.
I really loved her. But it was always so hard.
It was never easy and warm and safe. It was just a constant unknown, and trying to jump over every hurdle, but the hurdles kept getting higher and higher.
It didn't feel safe or good, not even really from the beginning.
But it seemed like the closest I was going to get. "
He stirred. "Do you feel that you settled for Darby?" he asked.
I nodded. "I do now. I should've known that wasn't going to work, but I didn't. I had to beat my head against the wall for so long.
Trying so damn hard every single day. The worst part is I don't even know if she ever loved me.
I was trying so hard to be what I thought would fix it that I didn't even see that. "
"Do you think you would have found the sort of relationship you wanted if you'd been dating men?"
"Maybe." I shrugged. "I'm upset that I was so scared to even think about it that maybe I wasted all this time.
Suppose I just don't connect with girls as well as guys.
I mean, I should know that already. I should know for sure, either way.
I should be settled and living my life, you know?
Getting ready to buy a house with my girlfriend, or whatever. But now I'm questioning everything."
"There's no deadline for a successful relationship, or a happy life. People have their own timelines. Perhaps you weren't ready to consider this because it didn't feel safe to you."
Yeah, understatement of the year. "It definitely didn't feel safe."
"Do you know why that might be?"
"Sure, I mentioned the bullying thing, right? Well, it was mostly about that. I was a sensitive little nerd, and I was their target. And what they picked to mock me about was mostly 'being gay.' Even though I was just a little kid who had a huge crush on half the girls in my class."
He nodded. "Something about you made them feel insecure, and they chose to blame you and bully you. Did no one intervene?"
"Not really. I think the general idea was that I should 'man up.
'" I made the quotes with my fingers, hearing the bitterness in my own voice.
Someone should have cared. Someone should have stood up for that little kid who was targeted so relentlessly.
"I was sensitive, I was pretty, I was small for my age.
" I shrugged, mouth twisting. "And nobody wanted to see it, how much they tortured me. "
"What would you say to that little boy, if you could go back and talk to him?"
I thought about that. A lot, probably.
But the main thing, the thing I'd been so scared about at that age, the thing that would've meant the most, was pretty simple.
"Don't believe them. They'll never be half the man you are.
" I looked him straight in the eye. "Because it's true.
I like the man I've grown up to be. Not every single thing, but most of it, yeah.
I'm responsible and caring. I give a shit, and I don't hurt people.
I show up, and I'm strong, and I'm not an asshole.
People can count on me. I do good work."
I wanted to add something about lots of women wanting to have sex with me, but that was hard to say out loud to his face like that.
The young man I'd been would've been so happy to hear any of that—especially the part about sex.
I'd been so curious, so horny, and so very lonely.
I'd longed for the comfort of a girlfriend, a soft, warm, kind girl, someone to love, and an escape from the scary, mean-spirited boys my age. And a way of proving I was worthy, too.
I didn't have sex till college, but when it finally happened for me, when I was finally wanted, it had been such a relief. Like I'd made it.
But life just isn't that simple. Being able to have sex didn't make me mature, or prove that I'd figured my shit out. It had felt like it at the time, but in reality, I'd just been getting started. And maybe now I was finding out I still didn't know the half of it. Literally.
"What would you like to work on now that you are questioning your sexuality? What would success look like for you in this area?"
I had to think about that. "I guess I want to figure it out without ruining my life or hurting anyone.
" I took a breath and looked him in the eye.
"And if I'm into guys, I want to see if that connection can be there for me.
I want a happily-ever-after. I want to settle down—all of it.
If I can't have it with a woman, I want it with a man.
Someday. Even if it takes a while to figure out. "
"And if you discover you don't feel that way about men? Will you consider it a success because it was a learning opportunity?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe. I hope so." Would I feel stupid if I went through all this agonizing self-exploration, if it didn't end up in a way that actually improved my life?
I couldn't imagine it would be easy to figure everything out at my age, without it being embarrassing—and maybe kind of a train wreck.
"Whatever you discover, it's brave to face the parts of yourself you haven't been able to look at before. Finding out more about yourself will always be a success, even if it's not what you think it will be."
"Yeah, I guess." It was good to hear—like this was an adventure, or I was a knight on a quest or something.
Maybe it wasn't just something shameful about me that I hadn't been able to face.
Maybe it was just time for my quest. The quest to figure out my gayness levels, if any.
"I'll probably be bi, I mean, if I am into guys.
It wouldn't erase the years of my life I've spent interested in women.
I'm not going to be a different person or anything. "
"Of course."
We moved on and talked about some other stuff then, and before the end of the appointment, circled back around to "my plans."
"I'm going to think about it a little more before I sign up for any dating apps or anything. I don't want to leap before I look. But yeah. I guess that's the plan. Figure out how to test the theory. Dip my toes in the water, not dive in head first."
"Do you think you will consider talking to your partner about this? He might understand what you're going through better than nearly anyone else. As a bi man, who's tried to focus on his attraction to women, he probably understands the internal and external pressure better than most."
It was true. If anyone would get it, it was probably Arlie. "Would it be too awkward to tell him?" I wondered aloud. "I don't want to make him feel weird."
"It's possible it would be awkward. It might be more awkward if you figured it out on your own, ended up on a dating website, and he saw you there.
" He shrugged. "I suppose you could wait to tell him until you have a boyfriend, but perhaps it would be fairer to let him know before that—and to let him offer you advice, if he has any.
Bring him in on the process to whatever degree you're comfortable. "
"But you said not to experiment with him or anything. Isn't telling him a little too personal?" Even as I said it, I realized that sounded pretty dumb. How was sharing something I was trying to figure out harming him in any way, or using him? If he had advice, he'd be flattered to give it to me.
"Do you think it's too personal for him to hear?"
As if Arlie didn't know more about my life than I'd be comfortable telling nearly anyone. He knew me so well already. It wasn't like I really had a lot of reason to hide this from him. I shrugged unconvincingly. "I just don't want to make him feel weird."
"Do you think he's the one who would feel weird?"
I thought we both would. I didn't know if Arlie would believe me.
He wasn't going to call me a liar, but he might think I was just confused.
That would be hard to hear when I'd agonized so much over this.
Even if that turned out to be true in the end, I didn't want to be dismissed or not taken seriously while I was figuring it all out.
"I don't know. I guess I'll think about it a little more."
I wasn't getting anywhere fast. But the truth was, I'd already gotten a lot farther than I ever would've thought I could, just by being willing to consider, much less talk about, all of these things.
Maybe Arlie would understand. Maybe.