Chapter 18 #2
Annoyed with herself for feeling shaky, she then made a mug of tea and took it into the backyard.
The friendly buzz of a bee welcomed her outside as she sat down.
A tear trickled down her cheek and she wiped it away angrily.
Boo had been watching from the top of the fence.
Showing off his agility, he jumped onto the top of the shed, then onto a lower fence in between Carrie’s house and the one next door, landing finally on the ground – a descent much more graceful than the builder’s.
Boo hesitated and then trotted over. He sat at Eliza’s feet and gazed up, before nudging his cheek against her leg.
He settled there, more like a dog than a cat.
‘Good boy,’ she said and sipped her tea, thinking back to that life-changing day, twenty-five years ago, when Howard had come back from the office and found her standing with her bags packed…
* * *
He held her by the shoulders and looked her in the face, cheeks wet, a brief glimpse of the caring man she’d married shining through.
‘Don’t leave me, Eliza. Things will be different. I promise.’
But Socks, dear Socks. Yet he sounded like he meant it this time. Eliza wiped her eyes and grasped the suitcase’s handle.
Howard stepped back and gazed at her hand. ‘That’s to take upstairs, darling girl, isn’t it?’ He lifted his head and smiled. ‘You wouldn’t break our wedding vows and leave, right?’
Maybe he’d change. Everyone deserved a second chance, right? She’d hand the five hundred pounds over. Perhaps he’d be kinder to Socks now.
Maybe. Perhaps. She’d used those words so many times. Old familiar friends, they were, except toxic ones that told you lies and let you down. Howard had already had so many chances. She tightened her grip around the suitcase and started to pull it across the kitchen.
He stood in front of her. ‘Where do you think you’re going?’
‘I’m leaving.’ Her voice shook.
His straggly eyebrows raised and then a rumble of laughter grew inside his chest. Howard wiped his eyes, filled with mirth. ‘You haven’t the nerve. You are nothing without me. Nothing, I tell you! Where will you go? How will you manage?’ He sneered. ‘It’s not as if you’ve got any family.’
‘Move, please,’ she said quietly.
‘Move, please,’ he mimicked and carried on laughing.
She pushed against him. Howard stood his ground.
The sound of Socks’s pitiful meow came into her head.
Followed by a muddled reel of so many things.
How Howard had made her distance herself from everyone she loved; the insults and shaming about her cooking, her body weight, the make-up that she no longer wore, the colourful clothes that he’d made her swap for greys and beiges; his control of the money; the nights in bed she’d gritted her teeth and kept her eyes closed; the false face she’d worn outside the house, to keep the peace.
Treating her like a child. Like a possession. Like an object.
Making her ashamed of who she was – and her believing his words that she was weak and pathetic.
A red mist blurred out these memories.
‘Get the hell out of my way, you coward!’ she shouted.
Howard jumped and stepped back, then his face curled into a snarl and he raised his fist.
Eliza offered him her cheek.
‘Do it!’ she shouted. ‘Make it easier for me to get you put in prison, where you belong. You’ve abused me for years.
Abused Socks. You’re a scared little boy inside, scared of any woman being your equal.
Well, I’ve had enough. You can’t hurt me any more than you already have. God, you’re an absolute monster!’
He stood, blinking, then a sob escaped his lips and he dropped to his knees, clinging to her leg.
‘Don’t leave me, darling girl, please, I’ll change.’
With all her strength she shook her leg free. ‘I’m taking the car and will get in touch about the divorce. Contest it and I’ll tell the courts everything.’
He raised his head, nose running, eyes blotchy, a sneer nevertheless crossing his features again. ‘Where’s your evidence?’
‘A journal. I’ve kept it for years, documenting your behaviour.
It helped in some way. A physical representation of everything you put me through, even though no one else could see it; even though you’d tell me I was making a fuss over nothing.
I’ve also had injuries recorded by the hospital.
I’ve got photos. Your career will end in shame; none of your friends will want to know you.
’ She stood at the doorway, for the first time in years, with the hope of that young woman who’d dreamt of dancing on the stage. ‘You can’t break me any more.’
She collected Socks and strode away from the house to the sound of smashing glass and Howard’s angry sobs coming out of the open kitchen window.
* * *
Eliza reached down and ruffled Boo’s ears, the sun having dried her tears.
Howard never did hurt her again. Nor did she ever have to produce evidence for their divorce. Because a couple of days later he was found dead on the kitchen floor, after the major heart attack that it seemed he’d had an hour after she’d left.
Out of all the memories she had of Howard – if, on a rare occasion, one had popped up over the years – it had always been the very last one of her standing up to him. And for this she’d be forever grateful.