16. Riot
Riot
I got into my handful of scuffles in prison.
They were unavoidable. The wound that left the scar on my chin had been a doozy.
But it didn’t come close to the searing pain in my chest when I saw the look on Nicolette’s face after I’d halted our kiss and said, like an idiot, I didn’t know what came over me.
I had tried telling myself that I wasn’t attracted to her. That it had just been twelve miserable years since I’d been with a woman and even a bratty city girl like Nicolette was starting to be desirable. But it was a lie.
Because of course, I knew what came over me. She came over me. And I wanted her to come over me again. Under me. On top of me. I wanted her. I wanted every inch of her. I wanted her all over me and I wanted to keep her forever.
That kiss. God, that kiss. The discomfort in my jeans was outstanding but, goddamn, if that wasn’t the best kiss I’d ever had.
I felt like a pathetic nobody, begging her to stay.
I wasn’t sure why I’d done it. It would be easier to go back to my regularly scheduled, Katie-programmed life if Nicolette wasn’t sleeping thirty feet from my bed every night.
All Iknewwasthat if sheleft, I wouldhaveto come back to this empty house, void of the hope and life that shehadbroughtwith her.
I would go back tolivingin slow motion.
In black and white. It would happen eventually.
A woman like Nicolette Parkerwasdestinedfor bigger things than Godot. Bigger things than me.
I wrapped my arms around my uneasy stomach, dropping onto my bed.
I closed my eyes and relived every moment of the past half an hour.
Hearing her screaming terrified me to my bones but then the relief that flooded my body when I saw they were just playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em fucking Robots was too overwhelming to process and I snapped, dragging her out like the petulant brat she used to be to me.
And then she started packing and every cell in my body needed her to stay put. To turn around. To not be upset.
Why was I always upsetting her?
So I kissed her. I had to. I think I would have dissolved into a heaping pile of flesh and bones if I hadn’t kissed her in that moment.
I had wanted to apologize. And now I had made things worse.
I prayed she would stay. Not because I needed her at the Farmer's Market, but because I needed her to want to stay.
I needed her light. I needed the chaotic colors of her personality to paint the empty walls of my heart.
I think it’s just been a really long time.
God, I was such a fucking idiot.
The days that ensued were moving in reverse.
Whether it was on purpose or by happenstance, I hardly saw Nicolette once.
I would be up and out early before she woke up, and she’d be gone every night when I got home.
She used her outside entrance to come home, which hurt my soul because she had always used the front door before.
I would hear rustling now and then and I would make believe she was making noise to tell me she was here and got home safe for the night.
We were like ships passing in the night and I couldn’t help but feel like she was avoiding me.
Not that I blamed her. Kissing her had been foolish but telling her the kiss was a result of being a celibate jailbird for ten years was downright asinine.
She had to know that wasn’t the truth, right?
After the kiss, uneasiness crept through me the first time Katie came over.
I told myself I had nothing to feel guilty for.
Katie made it clear we were not romantically involved (yet).
But still, I had that guilty, jittery energy when she brought dinner over.
I hadn’t addressed the little tidbit of information Nicolette told me about Katie’s plans.
I knew I needed to but my entire soul was consumed at the moment and the idea of another heavy conversation almost broke me.
As Katielaughedobnoxiously loud,stakingher claim in the kitchen, I didn’t hear a peep from the lanai.
Not even a floorboardcreaked, and Iwonderedif Nicolettewashome.
She usuallywasat this hour and I couldn’t help but run through the possibilities of where she mighthavegone.
The uneasinessspilledover into anxiety. Ihadto talk to her.
“What’s going on with you?” Katie asked as I walked her to her car later that night.
“Hm?” I wasn’t good at playing dumb but I didn’t care.
I was already concocting an excuse to knock on Nicolette’s door.
But I froze when I saw a black Infiniti SUV idling on the street outside the house, Nicolette stood outside the car and leaned in the open driver’s side window, blocking the view of the driver.
“You’ve been distracted. All week. What’s up?” she asked, but I wasn’t paying attention. Had the car dropped Nicolette off? And who the heck was driving?
“Nothing…” I muttered, trying to see, but the windows had an irritatingly dark tint. “Just haven’t been sleeping great.”
“Okay, well I was thinking, maybe, if you didn’t have plans already…
” A jolt went through me when Nicolette spun around smiling, looking happy, more than happy.
“... go to the carnival together?” She turned back to the driver and tilted her head, giving whoever it was a big smile.
She started toward the house with an envelope in her hands when she spotted me and froze. She was several hundred feet away.
But I couldhavefelther eyes on me from across an ocean.
I saw her focus dart from Katie to me. She pushed her hair behind her ear and cast her eyes down.
My heart clenched and the veins in my arms grew prickly.
“... wouldn’t be a date or anything…” I was half-aware of Katie speaking but I was too focused on the brief profile of a man in sunglasses, rolling up the driver’s side window.
“But maybe a trial run? See what kind of reactions we might get and work from there…” The car pulled away.
“Riot?” Katie grabbed my chin and forced my attention on her.
“Sorry, yes that sounds good,”Isaid,tryingmy hardest to bring my attention back to the small womanspeakingto me.
“I’llbe at the church and I need to get there a little early, so pick me up around ten?”
“Sure.” I shook my head as Nicolette disappeared behind the house. “Sorry, when?”
“Saturday — for the carnival?” She started tapping her foot impatiently.
“Right,”Inodded, giving her my full attention.“Yes, I can do that.”
When her car door slammed, I booked it inside.
Nicolette’s sliding door was closed, but the curtain was open. I listened, but it was quiet. I took a breath before knocking on the door. She appeared a moment later and pulled the sliding door open a few inches.
Her high cheekbones were sun-kissed but her eyes were tired and I hated that she might have lost sleep over what transpired between us.
She peered up at me with raised eyebrows but her lips remained pressed in a thin line.
I tried not to look at those lips, tried not to remember what they tasted like.
“Hey, I was going to order a pizza. Are you hungry? Did you eat?” I asked. She suppressed an amused smile at my nervous shifting.
“Um, thanks but I’m all set.” She blinked at me a few times. Does that mean she had eaten with whoever was in that car? God, I was spinning out. I had no claim to this woman but here I was, analyzing every man she shared a meal with.
Because I want them all to be with me.
I nodded, shuffling my feet, trying to come up with a reason, any reason, to keep her talking to me.
“Oh, okay,”Istartedto turn away.“Hey, did the last of the woodland creature pieces sell this morning? Iwasthinkingofrounding out the bird line for the Field Days — maybe a couple more of the Northern Cardinals?”
“They did. And that sounds like a great idea, Riot.” She nodded and there was a finality to her voice. I offered a weak smile and turned to go. “Chelsea said she’d help out with the booth on Saturday. I have a few committee member duties — so she’s going to tap in.”
I clutched her gaze with my eyes and wanted to hold on forever. After the shitty way I’d treated her, she had still thought of ways to help me.
“Thank you, Nicolette. Really.” I hoped she recognized the sincerity in my voice.
“Of course. I have to…” She pointed her thumb over her shoulder.
“Right, good night.”
Sheoffereda weak smile andslidthe doorshut, taking all the beautiful colors of her personality with her.