Chapter Five
CHAPTER FIVE
A Candid Heart to Heart
V anilla musk candles flickered, casting streams of broken light across the cantaloupe-colored walls. Grey Goose Vodka and Ocean Spray cranberry juice was poured and served in frosted glasses. ‘Until the End of Time,’ by Justin Timberlake played just loud enough for one to hear the lyrics, but not at a volume that drowned out conversation or sidetracked from the outstanding vibe.
Shoes kicked off, Lennox watched Nadia stretch and yawn. She’d changed into something a bit more comfortable. Extending her long, shapely legs across her dark gray couch, she crossed her ankles and wiggled her dark blue painted toenails, halfheartedly looking at her diamond toe ring that sparkled under the small chandelier lights. Reaching over, she began to massage her soles.
Her small feet looked soft and smooth, as if she’d never danced, stripped, or even walked a day in her life. He sat across from her, slouched down on the matching gray loveseat, taking her all in. The lighting in the area did amazing things to her expressive dark eyes. Her skin glowed. Her aura shined.
The lavender globs of bopping paraffin wax floating slowly up and down a rocket-shaped lava lamp tossed reflections against her body and the entire room. Portions of the wall put him in mind of being poolside as the liquid and light merged, tossing abstract reflections here and there.
The aroma of a stick of Japanese cherry incense transported a sweet, smoky scent throughout the room. Time ticked by, dragging its feet. Taking a sip of his beverage, Lennox gathered his bountiful thoughts. There was a lot to say, but they hadn’t communicated much since they’d arrived at her apartment. Truth be told, words weren’t always needed to have a full conversation.
“I thought about you often.” She broke the silence like a tiny crack in a block of ice, still looking down at her feet as if understanding his reticence loud and clear. She’s a runner… Feet walk away.
“Then why did you leave from here and never talk to me again? I called you several times before I finally took the hint.” He brought the glass to his lips.
She slowly released her feet and turned to face him, her eyes flashing like gleaming volcanic rock.
“Because you were my greatest distraction.”
He took a slow sip from his drink and set it down.
“From what ? School?” he asked, clasping his hands.
“From life. Tonight, you want me to be honest, right? We’re just going to be frank? Let it all out? ”
He shrugged. “Why would I make all of this effort to have a phony conversation? I can be lied to without all the effort. Besides, I know of no other way to be. What it do?”
Her lips crimped in a tilted smirk. “I’ll keep it one hundred with you, Len,” he hadn’t been called Len in years. “I had feelings for you that a friend shouldn’t have for another friend. Things got uncomfortable. That’s it. That’s all.”
“Don’t. Just don’t.” He waved her off and picked up his drink from the table, taking a meager taste. Held the alcohol in his mouth for a moment, dragging out the flavor.
“Don’t what? Tell you the truth? You said you were ready, willing and able for that fried and piping hot honesty platter with three sides of certainty.” The fringe of her lashes cast shadows onto her high cheekbones.
“You can serve me whatever as long as you don’t sugarcoat what really went down. I’m hungry for answers, but not starvin’. Not any ol’ bone tossed my way will do. Don’t play games. You know what I’m talking about.”
“I’m not playing games. I’m being for real. I didn’t want our relationship ruined, Lennox, and yeah, I also needed to concentrate on my classes instead of being boy crazy—well, young man crazy.” She rolled her eyes dramatically. “But I didn’t even know what I was feeling completely at that time. It was new to me, that whole catchin’ feelings for a friend. It felt wrong. And before you say it, I had no idea you liked me, too. I didn’t know what to do. It was a mess.”
“My issue is, we could’ve remained friends. People have crushes on their friends all the time, but don’t act on it. I felt like I lost a friend. A real good one.”
Willow Smith’s, ‘Symptom of Life’ started to play, coloring the mood in shades of intangible discomfort and forlorn beauty.
“I was a complex person. I was young, too… didn’t know how to process this sort of thing. My emotions misfired. I cut off what I perceived was the problem.” He nodded in understanding. “One minute, you’re like the White brother I never had, and the next, I am feeling things for you that I shouldn’t. I didn’t want the friendship ruined, and I couldn’t trust myself to not say anything to you. Besides, let’s say everything might have turned out great after I confessed my feelings—it would have been a long-distance thing, and I may have done something stupid like not go away to school like I’d planned, or worse, been lousy to you. You know I’m fucked up.” She swallowed hard then confidently met his gaze.
“I would have never let that happen. The whole, you not finishing school. I’m one of the people who encouraged you to go on to college in the first place. You told me a million times that you wanted to be a lawyer. I fully supported that because I knew you’d be good at it, and you needed to find yourself.”
“Yeah, I found myself. I just didn’t like what I discovered.” A glimmer of what appeared to be dread appeared in her eyes.
“After talking about your dreams for so long, finally, you decided to go forward with that particular one. Make it come true. You said your mother wasn’t completely supportive, and most of your friends weren’t, either. But I said, ‘Do that. Don’t listen to them.’”
“I know you want to know if I finished law school, and the answer is no—not that that would be a big surprise, considering my current occupation, Though in all honesty, I make more money dancin’ and doing online gigs than I ever would have as an attorney. Regardless, I didn’t finish because money ran out, I got distracted with other shit, and my demons came back to collect their due.”
“There’s always going to be a past. Scars. Naysayers and evil. That’s no excuse to run from your destiny. The people with the most to say have the least to offer, too.”
“I can’t argue with that.” Her eyes glistened even more. “I also recall you giving me money for my books to cover the first semester of undergrad.” Her cheeks darkened, and her lips curled while she looked away… as if the rush of emotions from yesteryear had returned and poked her in the heart.
“Yeah, but my main objective at the time was to do everything I could do as a friend to you, Nadia,” He placed his hand over his chest. “And just be a decent human being.”
“You were always good. Always decent. You’re rare.” She reached for a tissue from a golden box and blew her nose.
“I wasn’t always a decent person.” He chuckled mirthlessly. “But when dealing with you? Yeah, I was civilized.” You reminded me of my mama. “You had so much to offer. Your potential was too big for that place. You needed to be outside of that restaurant. Bein’ a waitress. Don’t get me wrong, waitressing is honest work, but I knew you wanted somethin’ else. You weren’t happy there. You were… no, you are intelligent, and you wanted to help society in a different way. By going into family law.”
“Yeah. I can’t believe you remember the specific type of legal practice I was goin’ to school for after all of these years. I did want to be somebody, didn’t I?” She smiled sadly, then tossed up her hands. “It wasn’t meant to be, and I didn’t want to take up your time, either, Lennox. You deserved someone who wasn’t… wasn’t like me.” Now, the truth is finally out. “You wanted to have your own gym. I remember your dreams, too. How’s that working out?”
“I’m still trying to get there, Nadia… still tryna get there.” He cracked his knuckles and looked down at his sock covered feet. “You wouldn’t have been taking up my time, and I wouldn’t have been taking up yours, but it doesn’t matter now anymore.” His eyes met hers. “We’ve spent ten minutes talking about why you never called me, and no answer you’ve given I find good enough.” She swallowed. “I know it made sense to you at the time though. I understand. All I wanted to do was make sure you were okay. That you were good. For you to check in with me every now and again. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but just to let you know I was a little hurt by that… actually, a lot hurt.”
She looked up through lidded eyes, then her expression turned sheepish. “You stopped calling. I’m not all to blame.”
“Like hell you aren’t. After I left the third or fourth voicemail for you, Nadia, I had to take a step back. I’m not someone who has ever had to force myself on anyone, and regardless of how much I cared about you, you weren’t going to be the first. ”
“What haven’t I explained to you that you still wonder about?”
“What makes you think that I still wonder about anything?”
“Because of how you’re looking at me. You used to look that same way at me so long ago, when you knew I was hiding something. Avoiding a conversation.”
“Just say it.” His body heated as a strange anger and sadness merged within him. Until now, he hadn’t slowed down enough to process how truly upset he’d been back then about her vanishing into thin air. He hadn’t sat in the feelings, stewing until they were hot and boiling. Now though, he could feel the full force of his disappointment. It repeated like hot sauce crawling up his throat from a bad burrito, and burned more than an August afternoon in Texas.
“Because I loved you, Lennox. It wasn’t just a crush, or a mere need to have sex with you. You know what it was.” Her fingers fluttered against her neck. “…I didn’t think I was good enough to have somebody like you. Didn’t matter how pretty people said I was. Or how smart. Or how funny. You were on another level. I know now that isn’t true, but I had to work on me first. I wasn’t fit to be with anyone, especially not a person with your sense of self, and your level of esteem. You’re a lot… in a good way.”
He leaned forward, clasped his hands, and nodded in understanding. He got it now. It was sinking in.
“I was broken, Lennox. Broken people look for others to put them together again. Trauma bondin’. I wanted to pretend with you, ya know? Act like I could handle the pressure I was under, but a part of me wanted you to glue me back together after I fell off my mental wall. Humpty Dumpty. That never works. Nobody can fix a broken soul but that person and God.”
“True.”
“You know what?” she said with a smile.
“What?”
“I was so busy back then dumping all of my problems on you, that I rarely asked about how you were doing. Your own life and feelings. That was selfish when I think back on it,” she stated contemplatively. “I’m sorry about that.”
“I preferred it that way.” With a sigh, he flopped back against the couch and closed his eyes for a brief spell.
“You know what blew my mind about you? When I found out that you came from a rich family. I was pissed you didn’t tell me. I couldn’t believe you were working in a greasy spoon,” she prodded, her gaze searching his. “Lennox Wilde, from the Wilde family clan. I didn’t know nothin’ about that until Jalil told me.”
Jalil was a bus boy who’d put two and two together, much to Lennox’s disappointment.
“We can’t help the family we’re born into.”
Her gaze turned inquisitive. “You told me not all money is good money, but at the time that didn’t make sense to me.” She started fidgeting with one of her long pink nails. “Now it does.”
“It sunk in, huh?”
“Yeah… so now that we’re grown ’nd sexy, I want to ask why you got a minimum wage job when your parents had all that money? You wouldn’t answer me directly back th en, but I want an answer now .”
He mulled on that for a second, then went with, “I want you.”
“Yeah, you said that, Len, but that doesn’t answer my question.”
“Just listen. It’s part of the reason why I’m going to answer you. You’ve always been the deep end of the pool to me. I want to damn near drown. I want the heat, the intensity, the heart and soul you possess. My wanting a chance with you is what will make me talk about this.”
“So you don’t talk about your family?”
“Sometimes, but not like this. I don’t talk about my family’s business.”
“Respect.” She nodded and reached for her drink.
“I don’t discuss it with my friends, and not much with women I’ve been with in the past, either.”
“Are you afraid of gold diggers?”
“Nope. If a woman is mine, she won’t have to worry about being provided for. We’ll work together to reach our goals, but she’ll never struggle or have to be the main breadwinner. I’m not broke, and I’m working my way to owning that fitness center, but I do expect some things in return. Loyalty, love, affection, devotion. Anyway, to answer your question—long story short,” he ran his hand along his leg, trying to find the right words, “My grandfather runs a large enterprise, a family business. Us Wildes are everywhere in Texas. Houston is still the main hub, if you will. Some are seen, some are not. People know us though, especially in this day and age.”
“Yeah, I found that out after the fact. What type of business does your grandfather run?”
“It’s a, shall I say, arduous industry. Most people know that it’s not exactly G-rated, so to speak. Some of it is legal, some not so much, and I’m not admitting to anything that the police and Feds don’t already know. It is what it is.”
“He makes pornos or something?” Lennox burst out laughing and shook his head. She looked so serious. “What?” She laughed lightly. “I do OnlyFans. I keep it on the low from people I know though. Shiiiiit, there’ a lot worse things in this world.”
“Nah, he doesn’t make pornos. He deals with loans, you could say. Rentals…” He winked at her. Her lips curled in a smile.
“Okay. So big poppa is a land shark.”
“That and many other things…” Bookie shit, arms sales, extortion, online gambling enterprises, strong arming, middleman for feuding companies that owe money… the shit Grandpa is involved in and running would make your head spin. Satan in the flesh.
“You didn’t flinch when I mentioned OnlyFans.”
“Why should I?”
“You pulled a stunt tonight and not only watched me dance, but tossed money at me. So you’re okay with all of this, huh?”
“Sex sells. You’re a beautiful woman. You use your feminine wiles to stack a bank roll. This isn’t anything new.” He shrugged, not certain what she was getting at.
Her brow rose in suspicion. “Why would someone like you be interested in a woman who does that?” Her voice was velvet, though bordered with sharpened blades. Through darkened eyes, she peered at him. Waiting .
“That doesn’t have shit to do with me. And what is all this about, a man like me? I’m not better than you, and you’re not better than me.”
“I know you’re not better than me. That’s not what I’m saying. Women are superior to men, actually, but that’s another topic for another day.” They both laughed at that. “You seem more traditional is what I’m getting at.”
“You think I’m a square?”
“No, not at all. But you always came across as having a certain, I don’t know, expectation of the roles women and men play in relationships.”
“Hmmm.” He thought about that for a few seconds. “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it turned me off or swayed me in any way. I mean, I haven’t deviated from when I told you that you’re mine, even with what I know now regarding how you make your cash.”
“You think if I give you a chance, you can change me, don’t you?” She smirked.
He shrugged. “I don’t give a shit about tryna change you, Nadia. You’d change for yourself.”
“Oh, so you’re just hopin’ and wishin’, huh? A change is going to come, like the gospel song says, right? Born by a river… praying to God, and wishing on stars. Thinking you can influence me in some way, maybe like a YouTuber lyin’ about how good some product is that don’t nobody else give a fuck about until they say it’s incredible, and then they go cash a check off of folks’ gullibility. Be slick with it, why don’t you?” She sucked her teeth.
“You sound bitter and defensive.”
“I am, Lennox. But I also can see a plot a mile away. My mother raised hell and bail, but she ain’t raise no dummy.”
“Good, because I don’t want a dummy. Stupid people are time consuming and energy draining. Raise? I don’t raise women or try to. Women aren’t children and I don’t treat them as such. I’m the top dog, but I never try to boss my woman around.”
“Nobody has ever been able to boss me around since I was a child, and you of all people should know that. That’s the least of my concerns.” She reached for another tissue. Perhaps she had allergies. Allergic to her own bullshit.
“Like I said, Nadia, you’d want to change your occupation on your own because this isn’t what you really want. I don’t have to do shit for you to come to that conclusion. But in the interim, it’s your life, and I’m not really concerned about that. I’ve read a lot in the last few years about women. Relationships. Love. I had a lot to learn. I was wrong about a lot of things. You ever heard of Dr. Saint Aknaten?”
“Ache-gnat-tan who?!”
“No,” he laughed. “Dr. Saint Aknaten. He’s a sex therapist out of New York. I had an online consultation with him sometime back. I was goin’ through something. Anyway, he wrote all of these books about how women think, how men should treat women and stuff like that. A friend of mine told me about him. He’s brilliant. Some have said he’s psychic, but in the interviews I’ve seen of him on YouTube, he dances around that question or acts like that’s silly.”
“Do you think it’s silly?”
“What? That people say he’s psychic? ”
“Yeah.”
“I would not have until it happened to me. I don’t believe in psychics, well, I didn’t. I’d still never go to someone claiming to be one but this guy, this man was different, Nadia. He is so in tune with people that it’s scary.”
“What happened?” Her eyes widened and she leaned forward, soaking in every word.
“He uh, he said some things he couldn’t possibly have known about me. They were very specific. Like, you’d have to be a fly on the wall to know this shit. Super precise. The entire consultation was hair-raising. Not only is this man extremely intelligent and down-to-Earth, Nadia, the guy lives what he talks about. He walks the walk. I have some of his books if you wanna see them.”
“Is he a cult leader or something? This some emotional pyramid scheme?” She smirked.
“No, of course not. I learned a lot from him. About the world. About women. About me. I’ll just leave it at that.” He shrugged. “I don’t really wanna get too heavy into that right now, but just remind me about the books if you’re interested.” She nodded in agreement. “Back to the topic. My point is, in regard to you thinking I want to change you, like I said, I won’t have to. There’s a season for everything.”
“I see you’re still a deep thinker. I think people were always surprised about that… findin’ out you’re not just some meathead. You like to learn. To read. To discover. All of that aside, Mr. Universe, you don’t actually know me anymore, not enough to be able to tell me what I want. No offense, and as far as— ”
“None taken.”
“And as far as you not being concerned about any of this, well, I find that hard to believe.”
“Why?”
“I remember you being a little jealous and possessive when a guy would hit on a woman you were with, or—”
“You just said that I don’t know you anymore. Alluding to the fact that too much time has passed, and you’re all grown up. Well, that can go both ways. In some ways, like a leopard, a man or woman never changes their spots. Who we are at our true core rarely changes, but we can evolve. We can improve.”
“We can devolve, too.”
“That goes without saying. What’s understood doesn’t need to be explained, but I can control myself better now. You’re not the only one who is older. Time snatches everyone at the same seconds, minutes, and hours of the day. We are all revolving around the sun. The same calendar rules every living thing. No one is left out. There are no Benjamin Buttons, either. Life is not happening in reverse. In honesty though, ’cause no other motherfucker knows me better than my own self, I’m still a little possessive, yet not jealous. Don’t confuse the two.”
They went quiet for a spell.
“I sell my body, but I’m not a prostitute. And I like how I look naked. I like it when people wanna fuck me, but can’t.”
Now she had to know she was poking at the bear. Saying things to try and gauge his reaction. She was almost getting off on the idea of tormenting him this way. Testing the waters. Not that she wasn’t being one hundred percent honest, of that he was sure. She licked her lower lip as if trying to gather a drop of sweet nectar before it dried up. Her gaze narrowed on him as she did so, then she leaned forward ever so slightly, allowing her Asian style silk robe to fall open, exposing part of her breast.
“Are you trying to convince me, or you?” She didn’t respond to his question. Instead, she grabbed her glass and took a sip of her drink. “Makes me no difference. Like I said, I don’t have anything to worry about. One day, you’ll stop, and not because I asked you to. Not because you’re ashamed. Not because your mother didn’t raise no dummy and I’m not the boss of you. Not because you were bullied into it, either. But because you’ll remember that your body is worth more than any price you could charge to see or touch it.”
“It’s just skin. Who I am on the inside is never for sale.”
“If it’s just skin, then you wouldn’t care if someone tattooed the word ‘SHITHEAD’ across your titties. If it’s just skin, you wouldn’t care about how moisturized and firm it was for your shows, and what clothing you put on it to make yourself look even more beautiful. The expensive perfumes… You wouldn’t be concerned about piercings, covering scars with makeup and the like. You glow. You take damn good care of yourself. If something is worthless, you wouldn’t put so much effort into it.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want my outer appearance to look good, or that physically I’m worthless. I’m saying that it’s not as important as my mind,” she pointed to her temple, “and who I am on the inside. ”
“You’re right, but you’re still contradicting yourself.”
“How so?”
“If it’s not important, give it away for free then. If who you are internally is the real pot of gold, treat that as such, and not the other way around.”
She nodded with a taut jerk of her head, then ran her fingers through her mane.
“Let me explain something to you, Nadia. Everything we do in life, if it’s not our ultimate goal, is just a stepping stone. You’re an amazing dancer, that’s trill, I can’t deny that, but it’s not the end game. No judgment.” He raised both hands as if in surrender. “I’m not perfect. I’ve done my dirt. We live and learn. I decided I wanted to clean up my act and do better, though. No more chasing skirts, as my grandfather would say. Being a dog was in my nature. I was never shitty to you because I felt something different for you, and you weren’t one of my conquests.”
“I’m the one that got away, then. A challenge. Time has passed, and—”
“I don’t care how much time has passed. You are the same, where it counts, Nadia. Look, you or I can read a book from thirty years ago, and though some of the jargon and music mentioned may have changed, the premise is still the same, and relatable. You are the same. In here.” He pointed to his chest. “I could see it in your eyes right away. That little broken girl is still inside of you, Humpty Dumpty as you said, but you’ve been taking care of her the best way you know how. You took a detour. You’re still traveling though, and that’s all that matters.”
“Oh, so you’re Dr. Phil, Dr. Seuss, Mother Goose, and a travel agent now, too? As I said, you don’t know the real me. I wish you did, Lennox, but you don’t. Do you want something to eat?” She glanced down at her watch. “You might be sitting here starving. I should’ve asked earlier, but I—”
“No, I’m not hungry. At least, not for food. Anything I don’t know about you, I can learn. I have no problem being a student, especially when it comes to a woman I want.”
Her lips pursed as she crossed her arms. “Why are you single?”
“Is this an interview for the position of your man? Why are you asking me that?”
“You’re not supposed to answer a question with another question,” she simpered. “Look how attractive you are.”
“Okay. You got a mirror around here so I can?”
She snickered. “Silly. You know why I said that. You appear to be a good catch. You’re employed. Two jobs. The gym and the club. You have some money saved up, I imagine. Your own place. Nice truck. You told me you don’t have any kids, so that makes you a unicorn. If you’re anything like you used to be, a nice guy, too.”
“Wrong. I chose who to be nice to. That’s a small number. Nice guys finish last. Anyway, it’s simple, really. I’m single because I want to be. Then I saw you, and I no longer want to be so…” She swallowed. He watched her throat tighten, and delighted in her embarrassment and flushed complexion. “Name somethin’ you think I don’t know about you.”
“I’m not that sweet girl just out here tryna make it anymore. I may look the same, but I’m different. And I’m okay with that.” Her fingers twitched as if she were holding an invisible cigarette between them.
“Nadia, I didn’t love you back then because you were sweet. I loved you because you were hurt, yet still motivated to move around that discomfort and elevate yourself. You’re a survivor. You’d cry to me, but then do things to help yourself. I’ve never seen you as helpless or a victim. The hand you were dealt was unfair—still, you never believed you deserved that pain. I recognized that pain. I wasn’t there for you just to be a shoulder to cry on. Rather, I could identify with it.”
“What you know about that type of pain, rich boy?” she taunted, smiling big and wide—pretty, but there was a sinister quality behind it. “They say money changes people and is the root of all evil. I’m not so sure about that. Maybe if my mother had more cash and a happily ever after, she wouldn’t have taken her frustrations out on me, and maybe if my father had had some cash, he wouldn’t have treated me how he did, acted in such an ugly way. Dead men can’t make no money, but he signed his own death certificate.” She snorted.
Her choppy, cruel laughter sounded like an echo from an empty tomb.
“Money doesn’t change anyone, Nadia. It just shows who a person really is. You wear dark humor like a suit of armor.” Her smile slowly faded. Then he continued, “What do I know about that type of pain?” He gently grabbed his right earlobe and cured an itch. The hot swell of emotions made him sweat. “You didn’t know much about me. Just what I wanted you to see. Like I said, I was nice to you, but I’m not nice, by blood. It was a calculated choice. To love and protect you. That’s all I cared about back then, and that’s all I care about now. Always remember that…”