Chapter Fourteen
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The Wisdom of an Older Woman
“I ’ve got a date tomorrow,” Nadia blurted as her grandmother returned from the house, the screen door slamming behind her. She leaned back on the white veranda swing with the chipped paint, happy as she could be on Nana’s porch.
“Thank you.” Nana handed her a big glass of iced tea. Two thick wedges of lemon floated at the top, and the fresh lemon juice made it a bit cloudy. She took a sip and hummed, just like she used to as a little girl. “This is soooo good! You make the best sweet tea in all of Houston.” She kicked up her feet and swayed back and forth real slow, the swing squeaking and squawking from years of use, rust, wear and tear as she basked in the warm sun rays. There was a nice breeze, too.
“I didn’t catch that, baby. What you say ’fore the ‘thank you’ and ‘best sweet tea?’ I was comin’ out the door and feelin’ a little sidetracked.” Nana sat close to her on an old green folding chair with a plump floral cushion. The deck furniture had a retro bloomy design, but was fairly new. All of the furniture on the porch was in muted tones of orange, lemon and lime with bits of white throughout.
Nadia took another sip of her sweet beverage—this taste was even better than the first. The balance of lemon, ice, sugar and tea was just right. She gleamed up at the clear blue sky.
“I said I’ve got a date tomorrow.”
Nana’s narrow mahogany lips curved in a smile. Knobby, rich brown hands circled her slender knees draped beneath a black and white striped dress that was two sizes too big. She’s lost a lot of weight since she got sick.
“Isn’t that somethin’? I thought you was turnin’ into ya mama for a minute there,” Nana hooted, slapping her thigh. “Swearin’ off menfolk. The way you went on about that ex-boyfriend of yours made me think that was it for you.” The beautiful old woman with plaited salt and pepper sighed, set her glass down on the small table beside her, then shook her head.
“He somehow got me to change my mind. I think he has superpowers, Nana, because I meant what I said about being done with men. After LeRon, I didn’t want to be bothered. At least not for a long, long while.”
“Mmmm hmmm. I understand. I told you that man was trouble. The way he was all up under you. Wouldn’t let you outta his sight. Some men will make you wanna get on yo’ knees and pray God to snuff ’em out in their sleep.” She cackled, though a part of her believed Nana wasn’t kidding. “You ain’t mentioned no man in a long time. Say he got superpowers. That’s cute.” Nana took a slow sip of her tea. “Found someone you like, huh? That’s nice. What’s his name, and where’d you two meet?”
“Well, I’ve known him a while, many years really, but we ran into each other again a couple of months ago. His name is Lennox.” Nana nodded in understanding. “And yes… I really like this one. A lot, actually. We were kinda young when we first met, so it’s probably best things panned out just as they did. I think I told you about him a long time ago. It’s nice to get butterflies over a man again.”
“It shole is, ain’t it? I tell you, no other man made me feel that way but Samuel.” Samuel had been Nana’s third and final husband. He’d passed away a couple of years prior. She’d been first married at age sixteen, then again at twenty-two. The first husband, who she only called devil, used to beat her and was double her age. The second one, Princeton, was a cheater and would be gone for weeks at a time, with all the money gone right along with him. “I love to see you smilin’. I hope you have a fun time. Make sure you tell me all about it.”
“I’m sure I will, and you know I will.” Nadia took another sip of her drink. “Nana?”
“Mmmm hmm?” The old woman clasped her hands and yawned.
“Mama was willing to talk to me a little more the other day. Told me I could ask her a question. You know, about the stuff I used to complain about to you. How she wouldn’t open up and speak to me. You’ve always told me that it wasn’t your place to fill in the gaps. That she should tell me in her own time. Nana, that time has come and gone. I could tell she was trying though, and I appreciate that for what it’s worth.”
She leaned forward, set her drink down and clasped her hands, her gaze piercing. The sun hit the reflection in her dark-rimmed glasses, almost blocking out her inky, slanted eyes completely.
“You say you appreciate it, but it wasn’t enough. Yes, I said for years I wanted you to give her time. I suppose you feel time is running out. I’ve spoken to my child about this. She don’t wanna hear nothin’ I got to say about it, though. We ain’t promised tomorrow.” Nana’s complexion deepened, and she looked away.
There was a stillness between them. The wind even seemed to slow down, giving room and space.
“There wasn’t enough time in a day, a week or a year to make this make sense, Nana. I need something bad, but I’m not sure what it is.” She shrugged. “I used to feel selfish. I had most of what I wanted growin’ up. Naw, we weren’t rich or anything like that, but I didn’t struggle like some folks did. I felt bad for complaining. Mama used to tell me to stop all that fussin’ and cryin’. I’d ask her for things, but I didn’t want anything. I wanted her .” A deep pain buried inside of her was unleashed. “I am searching for a lot of things, Nana, but I think I’m partially blind. Maybe even if I saw what I was searching for, I wouldn’t recognize it.”
“You would recognize it. Don’t doubt yourself.”
“Well, let me rephrase it. It’s like a treasure hunt, you know? But like I said, I don’t know what I’m lookin’ for. Maybe I will when I see it, just like you said. I don’t like this. ”
“Like what? Feeling helpless?”
They smiled at one another. Smiles of pain. Smiles of recognition. Twin grins beaming bright.
“Nana, you my soulmate, you know that?” Nadia giggled.
“…And you’re my favorite granddaughter from your mama. Keep that to yourself though.” The old woman brought her finger to her mouth in a shushing motion. “Wouldn’t want none of my other grandbabies gettin’ jealous.”
“I’m your only granddaughter from my mama! Nana, you so silly! Goodness, I love you!”
They had a good laugh at that, while a bird chirped in a nearby tree. She must have her babies in there.
“I’m figuring some stuff out, Nana. I feel like I’m learnin’ about myself at a rapid rate. I still don’t know what to do with the information, but I’m learnin’ it anyhow.”
“Well, what clues do you have? Maybe I can help you out.” Nana winked at her.
Nadia felt warm within, as if she were being hugged from the inside out.
“Work. I like the money. I’ve saved up a lot. Financial insecurity scares me, and I never want to have to depend on anyone else to make it.” I learned that from my mama. Not everything with her was bad. “I don’t like work as much all of a sudden, though.”
Nana shook her head. “Naw. It ain’t all of a sudden. I don’t believe that.”
“You don’t believe me? I’m not lying though.”
“I know you aren’t lyin’. That’s not it. It may feel like you just woke up and felt this way, but it ain’t. It’s been building. I know, because I know you .” Nana pointed a finger at her. “You been chewin’ on this meat for a minute now. I am curious though what got the ball rolling.”
“You might be right, but I don’t remember the starting line. I imagine it was a bunch of things that led me here. I feel some type of way. Because of that, I’ve started being unreliable. Fickle with it. That’s not even in my nature. I stand by my word, and an appointment is my word. I’ve canceled a few of my appointments recently, and I am not looking forward to them as much anymore.”
“Appointments?”
With her fingertips, she chased a rush of prickly heat that crawled up the back of her neck. “You know, the online stuff I told you that I do.”
“Showin’ ya milk and cookies?” They looked at one another and burst out laughing. Just then, ‘Pride,’ by Kendrick Lamar, played from someone’s parked car a few houses down. For a split second, she recalled hearing that same song while feeling lonely in a crowd of people.
“Yeah… that. Chocolate milk and chocolate chip cookies. No nuts.” She smirked.
“You feel guilty?”
“No, not really.” She reached down and ran her hand over the top of her white sneaker. A pair of Pumas with gold trim. “I never felt ashamed about it, and still don’t. It’s art. A performance. So, it’s not guilt. I just… I just don’t want to do it right now.” She offered a weak smile. “Thank you for never judging me about it, Nana. When mama ran and told you about it a long time ago, hollering and carrying on after I was honest and told her where I worked, I just knew you were going to hit the roof, too.”
“Baby, I ain’t got room to judge nobody!” Nana snatched off her glasses, grimacing. “You dance for menfolk. Show skin.”
“Some women come, too.”
Nana shrugged. “I don’t know much about all of that, but I do know that men look at pretty women all day and night, and most of the women being ogled are none the wiser, and aren’t even getting paid for it. A man screwin’ you with his eyes alone… Lust.” Grandma gritted her teeth. “It ain’t what I want for you ’cause I know God want better for you.” She threw up her hands. “…But I ain’t God. I ain’t surprised you’ve made a killin’ at it, though.” Nana’s lips curled like handlebars. “You’re a beautiful girl, and you’re my grandbaby, but there are worse things in this world.”
“According to Mama, me being an axe murderer is the only thing that would be worse,” she teased.
“Oh, that’s hogwash. There’s plenty worse. Like making the whole world pay for something one person did. That’s the wrong way to make a livin’. Can’t no debt that big be repaid no how. In the end, it just leaves everyone broke.” Nana reached for her own drink once more and slurped it loudly. Nadia waited while the old woman got her fill, and simmered in the words Nana was cooking. The stove was hot like white fire.
“I like that. Good food for thought. I’m changing. Change is good, I hope,” she scoffed.
“Nadia, we all change over time. Well, we should.” Nana rolled her eyes as if thinking of someone specific that had arrested development. “Some folks act like five-year-olds all their lives. Ain’t nothing anyone can do about it. My point is, we’re supposed to grow as people. As for me? Now, I could make a lotta excuses for myself.” She pointed at her chest.
“Excuses for what?”
“For some of the ways my life turned out. Like, for instance, I could talk about how my mama didn’t protect us from our daddy. On and on I could go about all the things she didn’t do. Or how our daddy worked so hard that he resented us being extra mouths to feed. He hit us, just like he hit my mama. He died in a nursin’ home with nobody caring about him because of all the wrong he’d done. I could use that as a reason for some of the mess-ups in my own life. Yo’ mama could make excuses, too.
“Blame it on her daddy’s bad blood that runs through her veins, the devil that he was, and me bein’ overprotective of her as she grew up—never letting her breathe, as she used to say. Said I suffocated her, and was so religious that I didn’t use common sense.” She shrugged. “Your mama been fightin’ with God since she was a lil’ bitty thing. Her ’nd God was on good terms for a long while until your Daddy come along. Everybody’s mama, Nadia, got a reason as to why they’re like they are, but the bottom line is this: nobody is perfect. One day, if you’re ever a mother, you’ll understand me firsthand.”
“…I know. I never expected faultlessness though. I just wanted her to be truthful with me about her feelings. About how she felt ’bout life. About my father. About everything. Sh e only wanted to talk about right here, right now, and when the day was done, she was done talking about that, too.”
“I know you didn’t expect perfection, baby, but a tiny part of us always wants our mothers to live up to the fantasy we have of them in our minds. That’s what you had. A fantasy. We all fall short, honey… we fall short, and then the pedestal crumbles.” Nana sighed, then continued. “I do know that my daughter loves you and Nelson something strong. She sacrificed a lot for you two.”
“I know, Nana. I’ve thanked her for that many times. We were never homeless or starving.”
“I didn’t always agree wit’ how JoAnn went about things, but she was trying her best. I also know that she’s a hard nut to crack.” Nana coughed, snatched a balled-up tissue from her dress pocket, and blew into it. “Yo’ mama was the first. JoAnn is my oldest child, and her soul is old, too. People used to call ’er the teacher.” She smiled sadly.
“Yeah, I remember you telling me that. ’Cause she was real brainy, and a little bossy, too. The bossy part is definitely still there.” Nana burst out laughing.
“Yes… She taught me some stuff, too. She’s the one child that taught me just how awful I was… and in her own way, she never lets me forget it.” Nana’s forehead crimped.
“What do you mean by that? I never knew that mama resented you. I know that she didn’t like going to church every Sunday, and some little stuff here and there, but not her being angry at you. She never said anything like that to me personally.”
“Of course she didn’t.” Nana crossed her ankles. “That would then be her admitting, in her own way, that she was hurt by something that I had done to her personally . And you know JoAnn can’t dare do that.” Nana sucked her teeth. “She never told me directly that she despises me, can’t stand me, nothin’ like that. It’s the way she looks at me… takes forever to call me back… I can see it. I can feel it. She don’t want me to have no power over her, so she won’t say nothin.’ Confessions to JoAnn is weakness. Silence is power.”
That’s why the caged bird sings…
“Point taken.”
“When she was a child, well, that was a different story. Your mother always had a mouth on her, Nadia. Back then, when she was a kid, I didn’t take no sass, but it wasn’t because I thought it was disrespectful of children to talk like that to grown folk. If we’re being honest, baby, it’s because I know that is what us adults used to say to our children so we didn’t have to answer for our own shortcomings. We ain’t wanna be questioned by something we made. Something that came from us, but smaller than us. We wanna rule over that, control it ’cause everything else in the world feels bigger than us.”
Nana dropping gems today!
“We didn’t want to tell the truth, either. Pride and ego. Kids can be blunt. They’ll speak they mind. Ask why ya Aunt Toya always asking to borrow money when she got a job, or why Uncle Demarcus ain’t got no teeth, or why yo’ cousin Nita always yellin’ at her babies when they ain’t done nothin’.”
“That’s the truth right there. Who wants to explain that Aunt Toya is bad with money and spends it all up at the club and on weed, then expects the family to bail her out? Uncle Denny ain’t got no teeth because he drinks wine all day, and the sugar ate his grill up. Nita always yellin’ at her kids because she’s afraid they’ll end up like their father if she don’t get their butts in check right now. Nobody in their right mind wants to get gritty like that with little kids. It’ll break them into the realities of life. The real world. We wanna keep them in a protective bubble for as long as possible. At least that’s how I feel about my little cousins. Keep them away from heartbreak.”
“Yes we do want to keep them in a bubble, and that’s what I did with JoAnn.” Nana’s lips crimped in exasperation. “Despite your mother being so resilient, smart as a whip and independent as she was, she was a delicate child… felt things deeply. JoAnn was a sensitive soul. Right to her core.” This news hit Nadia by a big, whopping surprise. Mama didn’t come across as ever possessing a sensitive bone in her body. “But then, something in her changed, honey. The lights inside got dim. JoAnn got a hold of the family curse it seems. I wanted her to break it with you. But now, you’re upset and lost, too.”
“What family curse?”
“The one you tryna get up and around from, apparently. Got you thinking about life and your decisions. I pray every day, baby. Sometimes God answers. Actually, God answers all the time—it’s just sometimes the answer is no, and I don’t like that. I’ve learned that I gotta accept the no’s though. They’re there for our own protection. Struggle sometimes is a part of life. ”
“Misery ain’t though, Nana, and we should never get used to it. Too many of us Black people have accepted misery as part of our lifestyles. Like, it’s part of a normal day for us. Despair is a death sentence.”
“You’re right, baby, and that’s why I don’t want you to end up like… never mind.” Nana began to fiddle with a loose thread on the side of her dress. This was the most she’d spoken of her mother, and Nadia was so grateful for it, but it was evident she still wouldn’t come clean. She was holding back.
I need all of it. I need to know more about my mother. It’s been part of the reason why she and I butt heads. Why do I feel like I can’t talk to her, or go to her when things get tough. I don’t know who she is deep down. When I get too close, she barricades herself, tells me to stop it, or goes silent. Nana knows the real JoAnn. I want to know the real JoAnn, too…
Lennon moved slowly through the aisle. He paused, slipping a shirt over his arm as he continued to shop in the upscale store. ‘Back On 74’ by Jungle played through the speakers. He glanced down at his watch, went to the cash register, and paid for the nice sage green Polo shirt, as well as a bottle of his favorite cologne. As soon as he walked out the front doors, an attractive older Black woman, shaped like an old-fashioned Coca-Cola bottle was coming into the store. Being the perfect gentleman, he held the door open for her, allowing her to enter.
She thanked him, her long platinum blond hair swinging with each step on silver stilettos. Dark smooth skin wrapped around a physique that was straight out of a dream, defying her age. As he turned to release the door, he felt a gentle tug on his arm. He paused and looked into her eyes.
“Boy, you smell good ! What is that?”
“Thank you, I just bought some more, actually.” He waved the bag about. “It’s Tom Ford’s, ‘Fucking Fabulous.’”
“You’re damn right it is.” They both laughed. “I’ve smelled that on other men and it always smells good, but something about the way it blends with your chemistry just takes me there. You’re easy on the eye, too. Tall, dark tan, and handsome.”
“It’s what I always wear. Thanks for the compliments.”
“You’re welcome. You like older women, baby? A little flavor, too? The Blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” She placed her hand on her hip and leaned back, sizing him up as if he were some new outfit she was debating on purchasing and taking home.
“I’m flattered, but uh, I’m kinda seein’ someone right now.”
“Well, now you can’t blame a cougar for trying. Yum, yum, yum. Wit’ yo’ sexy self. You take care now.” She made a sort of growling sound as she looked him up and down once more, winked, then headed inside the store. A Chanel bag rocked back and forth over her arm as her ass bounced from side to side in a form-fitting cream dress.
He chuckled and made his way to his truck. He could appreciate another woman’s beauty, but something about the interaction made him even more excited for his upcoming date with Nadia. Once he was seated in his truck, he turned on some music: ‘Frogs,’ by Lucy Chris. Taking out his cellphone, he proceeded to get directions to another store he’d heard just opened. They specialized in baseball caps. Before that though, he re-read the strange text message Nadia had sent earlier in the day. The interaction with the lady at the store solidified that he needed to go on and respond instead of ignoring what he considered a silly question.
This is pointless… I’ll answer though. Obviously she feels it’s important.
He began to type:
No, you’re not the only Black woman I’ve dated, Nadia. Just because you never saw me with one didn’t mean it wasn’t happening. A lot happened before and after you were in my life. Rest assured, I’ve flirted with Black women, dated Black women all of my adult life, had sex with Black women frequently, as well as a few relationships, too. I have dated many races of women. I love ALL women. I wouldn’t say I’ve dated more White or Mexican girls than Black girls. It’s probably been about even. I have a type– but skin color has nothing to do with it. See you tomorrow xoxo
He lit up when KARRAHBOOO’, ‘Running Late’ came on. Placing his dark sunglasses over his eyes, he turned up the music and rolled out.