Chapter Thirty-Three
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Girl Talk
“A bout three days.” Mama handed Nadia the basket, then sat down on her living room couch. “She’ll be released tomorrow. She told me to tell you not to worry.”
“That explains why she didn’t call me back. Nana is always trying to sneak back home before I know she’s in the hospital. This is the fourth time she’s done this to me. Next time she doesn’t call me back right away, I am driving straight over there.”
Nadia took the basket of homemade jams Mama had made into her kitchen. She then went to sit next to her mother on her couch, hugging her knees next to her. On her television screen was displayed a twenty-four-hour live viewing of swimming fish. Her attempt at a relaxing, laid-back feel.
“Why’d you want to talk to me, Nadia? Ask me to come over here?” Mama cut to the chase. She smoothed her faded, plain black shirt that was a little too big for her frame. Her jeans were dark, with a bit of distress around the knees. Her hair was wrapped in a colorful silk scarf and secured with a knot in the back. Two shiny gold hoop earrings hung from her ears and her full lips gleamed with clear gloss.
“Thank you for the jam. It looks delicious,” Nadia began, soon realizing she was going into her usual stalling mode. Dr. Saint Aknaten’s words crept into her mind, and she cleared her throat. “Mama, I want to talk to you about some of the things that happened in the past that we never really addressed.”
Mama dramatically rolled her eyes and slumped against the couch as if she’d been asked for her left kidney. Nadia continued, not discouraged by the reaction.
“When I was a little girl, I didn’t always feel wanted. I sometimes felt you believed I was an inconvenience, or that having me made you unhappy in some way. I know that may not have been true, but—”
“Now what would make you think that?” Mama barked. “I took care of you, didn’t I? I never let you go hungry, unclean, or unclothed!”
“Mama, taking care of someone doesn’t always mean that someone is wanted.”
“Who you know out here takin’ care of shit they don’t want?! Ain’t nobody I know washing their car every week, if they don’t want it, or cleanin’, decorating and painting a house they don’t care about. That don’t make a lick of sense.”
“I’m not a car or a house. Neither is Nelson, but I’m not going to bring him into this. I am just going to talk to you about me , from my own perspective. You can’t compare me to inanimate objects and expect things to improve.”
Mama sucked her teeth. “Ain’t nothing broken that needs improvement. You just makin’ up stuff tryna give me a guilt trip, Nadia!” Mama waved her hand dismissively. “What is this really about? You need to borrow some money or something? Now that you’ve stopped shakin’ your tail feather, has the money run dry?”
“Mama, I don’t need your money, but what I do need is for you to at least pretend to want to hear my side of the story. You’re doing all of this yelling and carryin’ on because you’re afraid! You fear the emotions that come with these discussions, the same way you feared being the mother that I needed, which caused all of this in the first place.”
“Your grandmother told me that you said you talked to some shrink from out there in New York. Now it all makes sense.” Mama looked her up and down with disgust. “That man done put a bunch of silly shit in ya head. Next thing you know, you’ll be saying he said you were a three-legged clown in some carnival in Peru in a past life, and that you now identify as a circus tent! Pronouns: Barnum and Bailey.”
Nadia ignored her mother’s interruptions and sardonic jabs once again, promising herself that she’d stay on track. “Do you hear what you’re saying right now?”
“Of course I do. I’m not deaf. I’m sitting here, aren’t I?”
“Whenever I say something that makes you uncomfortable, Mama, you try to boomerang it. Shift it right back to me.” Nadia kept her voice calm, yet assertive. She looked her mother in the eye, never wavering from her feelings or the mission at hand. “You never take accountability, even if you don’t quite understand my viewpoint. I’m always wrong, or being silly or overly sensitive, and you are always right, or the only rational person in the room. In your mind, I must be making it up, or I remember it wrong. I’m not making any of this up, Mama, and even if you don’t remember my childhood and teenage years the same way I do, it doesn’t mean that’s not the way it happened.”
“Are you finished? Because I have someplace to be.” Mama reached for her purse that was sitting next to her on the couch.
“I’m sorry, Mama, that you aren’t brave enough to have this discussion.”
Mama swiveled sharply to face her.
“What did you say?” she asked in a harsh, raw tone.
“You told me a moment ago that you could hear just fine… that you’re not deaf, and you’re sitting here, right?” Nadia offered a slight smile as her mother’s eyes narrowed upon her. “You can’t rewrite my memories for me, and you can’t create a false history, either. That’s not how this works. What you’re doing is gaslighting. Do you know what gaslighting is?”
“Yes, I know what the fuck gaslighting is!”
“Well then stop it, because you’re doing it right now !”
Mama’s mouth twitched as if a tiny invisible electric current was making it jump. She looked stunned. Speechless. Dumbfounded.
“Mama,” Nadia placed her feet on the floor and took a deep breath, briefly closing her eyes, “I love you so, so much. I am not saying that you were a horrible mother. I am telling you that there are more things I needed, really, truly needed, that you didn’t provide.”
“Well, what in the hell do you want me to do about that now, Nadia? I can’t build a time machine and go back!” Mama threw up her hands in frustration.
“I don’t want you to do anything but listen. That’s the hardest thing for you to do. You never want to do it because it makes you feel bad. I feel bad, too. We’re just feeling bad together, but we can also feel better together. Please let me—”
“Listen, Dr. Nadia Phil Maury Povich Oprah Winfrey the third, I don’t feel bad about a mothafuckin’ thing!”
“Well, that’s too bad because anyone who thinks they are perfect isn’t fit to even have a conversation with a puddle, let alone their own child.”
“You are a real piece of work, Nadia. You ain’t even a mother, so you have no idea how hard it is to raise children, yet you have so much to say about my parenting skills. I went through hell tryna take care of you and Nelson on my own, and you have the nerve to sit here in yo’ little sundress and red lipstick, and look at me with those big doe eyes of yours, like we on a movie set. Like this is some soap opera, and I’m just supposed to say, ‘Yes, you’re right, Nadia! I suck. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?’ Then I burst into tears, falling on my knees and grab ya ankles, begging you to not walk away.” Nadia sat back and shook her head in disbelief. “You touch me with a magic wand, and then we start dancin’ and planning a mother-daughter picnic on top of a mountain. This is real life, Nadia. We not White! This ain’t The Sound of Music, and I’m not Mary Poppins, either. I had—”
“If you care about me at all, you will be quiet, stop going off on these silly rants and tangents, and give me the floor, Mama!” She lifted her chin, meeting her mother’s icy stare. “Taking care of a child’s basic necessities is not enough to make them whole, especially when there is no father in the house! You’ve gone my entire life only addressin’ what you want to address, picking and choosing what you will ignore and give energy to.” She pointed her finger at her mother. “I am a person! I am your daughter!”
“And I never said I was perfect. I said that I have no regrets.”
“And I’m telling you that I never asked for perfection. I asked for a mama who wasn’t scared to hold me! I needed a hug, even if you didn’t always understand why I was upset. Somewhere in your mind, you saw that as making me too soft! I needed a kiss on the cheek, just because. I needed to be told that I was smart, that I was beautiful! Instead, I looked for validation out in the world! I needed to be told, ‘Everything will be okay,’ even when you weren’t sure!”
“So now, you wanted me to lie to you?”
“I just wanted you to love me! Not with just your actions, but your words! We have ears for a reason! All children would be born deaf if it wasn’t important. You sit here telling me you can hear me, but you ain’t never listened to me a day in yo’ life!”
Mama gave a black, layered look. She sighed, falling back against the pillow. Staring blankly at the coffee table.
“I didn’t call you over here to dissect you, to break you down, to make you upset or feel any type of way. I called you over here to tell you how I feel, what I wished for us, and how I’d like to move forward. I wanted you to come here, instead of me coming to you as I usually do, because I wanted to make sure I had no escape. I didn’t want to run away from this discussion. We’re more alike than we realize. I do the same damn things you do. I. AM. YOU!” Mama slowly turned back in her direction. “I was a workaholic, just like my mama. I am about making money and saving it, too. Just like my mama. I am ambitious, and I have difficulty with men, just like my mama. I was afraid of true connections and vulnerability. I was afraid to fall in love, just like my mama…”
“I don’t think that’s fair.” Mama’s voice shook. Her eyes sheened over, hitting Nadia right in the gut. “I never told you to never fall in love, I told you to not trust these mothafuckas. You chose bad men and so did I, but maybe that’s because the majority of men ain’t shit. The bucket has slim pickin’s, Nadia, and it is nothing more than that!”
“Mama, you and I chose bad men, and it’s not because most men ain’t shit. A lot of ’em aren’t, but I wouldn’t say most,” she offered with a sad smile. “It’s because we attract the ‘ain’t shit’ men. Because trauma has a stench, and vultures can smell it on us. That’s how they find their prey.”
“Speaking of vultures, your father shares some of the blame don’t he, since you out here handing out verbal and emotional ass whoopin’s? Because last I checked, he wasn’t there for you at all, but he’s not available, once again, per usual, to receive this tongue lashing, now is he? It’s just me sittin’ here being the pi?ata for both of us.”
“This isn’t about blame. It’s about love. Yeah, my father would be responsible, too, but like you said, he’s dead. You and I are still alive though. There’s hope. I hope that you’ll listen to me. I hope in some ways, after today, we can start fresh.”
Mama’s face clouded with uneasiness.
“I have something important to tell you.”
“What?”
“I am engaged!” She reached her hand out, and flashed the ring. Mama’s eyes grew large, and she leaned forward, eyeing at the stunning diamond. “I’m getting married, Mama.”
“I ain’t even know you were dating anyone. To who ?” A faint wave of panic could be detected in her voice, taking Nadia by surprise.
“I’m engaged to a man I’ve known for a mighty long time, but we’ve reconnected as adults. Well, we were grown when we met, but just young. His name is Lennox Wilde. Mama, it’s been quite a ride with this man. He’s special. He loves me to the depths of my soul.”
Mama looked away. “Baby, that’s fairytale stuff. Men are incapable of loving anyone. It’s all cosplay.”
“Mama, Lennox and I are not fairytales, soap operas or Hollywood stars. We’re very much real, and so is our love for one another. We’re adults who are trying to process our pain, take accountability for our own actions, and not repeat the same mistakes of the past. We are both going through trials and tribulations. We are both trying to grow.”
Mama kept her gaze averted.
“Where’d you meet this man? I ain’t never heard of him.” She slowly turned back towards her.
“At a job of mine before I left for college.”
“That restaurant? The Rooster spot?”
“Yes ma’am.” Nadia leaned into her mother, and scooted closer. “You and I have our ups and down, Mama, but I’m fortunate. His mama is dead. Been gone a long while. I am so glad that mine is not because I know my fiancé would turn this world upside down to get just five more minutes with her.” Mama’s hands tensed in her lap. “And here I am, with a mama that is alive, and sometimes it doesn’t even feel like we have a true relationship, let alone talk.” Mama stirred restlessly in her seat. “I envied his relationship with his mother when I understood how close they were. I dare to say, when he described it to me, I was jealous. He could talk to her! She was strict, but she cared!” A tear streamed down Nadia’s cheek as her pain burst. A shower. The rain. “Not a day went by when her children questioned her love for them. I didn’t have that with you, Mama.”
“I always loved you, Nadia. Always.”
“I had a roof over my head, but no kisses on my scraped knee. I had a meal in the oven, but no one was home most days to eat it with me. I knew how to change a flat tire, but no one showed me how to change my life for the better! Yes, you were there, Mama. Some moms aren’t. I acknowledge that. Yes, you made sure Nelson and I could take care of ourselves and be independent, self-sufficient, but you also showed us how to not trust by example. You showed us how to fester resentment. You showed us how to stay closed off, and emotionally off the grid!”
“I don’t want to be blamed for everything! I just… I didn’t know what to do! Wanted to protect y’all! I just wanted you safe!” Mama’s voice was shrill, chock full of pain. She buried her face in her hand, and cried. A black, soft silence sat between them.
“Mama…” Nadia wiped a tear from her own cheek and rested her hand against her mother’s bowed back. “Your son’s marriage ended because he’s emotionally cut off. He can’t connect with folks well. At least, not from the heart. We’re not blamin’ you. We’re… let me rephrase. Nelson isn’t here. He can speak for himself so I need to stop trying to intervene on his behalf. He’ll have to do that on his own. This is actually about me . I’m trying to tell you how I felt, Mama. What is so wrong with that?”
Mama sat up and dabbed at her eyes. She took a deep breath, then chewed on her upper lip.
“Mama, let me say it again… I love you so much. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t even try to talk to you right now. You taught me how to ride a bike. You showed me how to put my head in the sand when the truth was too hard to take, too.”
“It would’ve been funnier if you said, ‘You taught me how to ride a bike, and showed me how to ride off from the truth, too.”
They both looked at one another, tears and all, and burst out laughing.
“Mama, why are you like this?” Nadia teased, still laughing. Mama shrugged.
“I’m sorry I disappointed you, Nadia. I’m sure there’s some things I could have done differently. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you know you tried your very best, but you failed. I had a lot going on. ’Specially back then. I… I loved my babies.” Mama’s voice rattled. “I was just trying to safeguard y’all. Never wanted to cause you no pain.”
“Mama, you didn’t fail. I’m not a mother, just like you said, but motherhood isn’t a test. I know now, as an adult, that you loved me, but as a child, sometimes it just was hard to tell, and that affected me psychologically. I know you were doing it all on your own. I have my own demons to wrestle regarding my father. He walked away and that devastated me.”
Mama sniffed, then reached for her hands, cupping them in her own. “Nadia, I’ve been through some things in my life that I wouldn’t wish on nobody. In my day, we ain’t talk to no shrinks. Sometimes, we took it to the pastor of our church, but many times, we just kept stuff to ourselves. I’m not the most eloquent woman on the planet. Sometimes I say stuff rudely, I suppose you could say, but I just don’t believe in sugarcoating anything. When I’d jump on you about the strippin’, it wasn’t ’cause I was ashamed of you. It was because I knew deep down, you was mad at me and your father, and trying to punish us. Then the money had gotten good to you, and I felt like… I felt like I’d lost my baby.” Nadia paused, measuring her for a moment. “You brought up your brother. I have something to say about that. Nelson’s marriage fell apart. We all know that.
“His ex-wife called me one night when they were still married, talkin’ about Nelson hates me and takes it out on her.” Mama slipped inside of herself, lowering her head, turning away. Pain showed in her dark brown eyes. Mama wrung her hands, fighting emotions as she did on a daily basis. “Another time, Nelson had been drinking one night, ’bout three or four years ago, and called me hollering and screaming. Told me I was coldhearted and ugly. Said I must’ve been whorin’ around, ’cause I ain’t know who his daddy was.” A slow tear traveled down Mama’s face. And Nadia’s, too.
“I wasn’t no whore. I never slept around. Nelson’s… Nelson’s father and I used to be acquaintances. His name was James Avery. James was a traveling electrician. Contractor. He was handsome, handy, and funny, too.” She smiled sadly. “We’d go drinkin’ together after work on occasion. One night, we’d both had a bit too much beer and liquor. It was the holidays. We were lonely and plastered, so we slept together. A couple months later, I realized I was pregnant. James was in another city by then. I tried for weeks to track him down. Wasn’t no cellphones back then. I was thinking about all the things he’d told me about his family, and used that information as leads. Finally, I found his mama. She lived in Tennessee. She said to me, ‘What you need James for, honey?’ I responded, ‘Ma’am, I worked with James in Houston. I need to talk to him. I’m pregnant with your son’s child.’ She replied, ‘Baby, I can’t help you. I’m old, in poor health, and don’t have any money. Can’t help with raising no grandkids, and I have more bad news. James can’t help you either. James died.’ Apparently, he overdosed. I never knew James had a heroin problem… but he did. I asked some other folks about it, and some of them suspected it.
“I realized his mother didn’t seem terribly concerned about having a grandbaby, or maybe she was so wrapped up in grief over the loss of her child, and I so shocked by the news of his death, that we momentarily lost our minds. I got off that phone without leavin’ my name and number, without even saying goodbye. I just hung up. I thought about that after the fact, but I was mighty upset. Not just for me, but for my baby yet to be born. Now, here was the second child I was going to bring into this world without a father. I’d fucked up again. One man was alive, one was dead, but the one living wasn’t doing anything for his daughter, so, he may as well have been in the ground, too.
“I didn’t want to tell Nelson about his daddy because I ain’t want him to be self-conscious. I didn’t want him to feel lesser than. I was afraid of how he’d take it knowing his daddy was gone, and had been a full-blown drug addict. A damn junkie. I ain’t want to tell him we was drunk, and not even in a real relationship when he was conceived. Friends, but no commitment. It sounds bad. Real bad. I was raised better than that.” Mama’s complexion deepened, as if she was living the embarrassment all over again. “I figured if I said nothing at all, he’d be okay. He could make up, in his mind however he wanted about his daddy, you know? He could pretend James was an astronaut, doctor, football player or something… but Nelson eventually just stopped asking me about his father. At the same time, he also stopped looking at me with love and adoration.”
Mama’s voice broke into a million pieces as the tears poured down her cheeks. “It brought all the bad gunk inside of me up to the forefront! The abandonment from my own daddy, Nadia… it felt the same when I found out James had been messin’ with that shit! I felt tricked, just like yo’ daddy had done me. I was confused. Too much had happened. Seein’ my mama get beat up by my daddy when I was a kid! It never left me. James never laid a hand on me… he was kind. He would bring me lunch, stick up for me when some of the guys in our group would act stupid in our company. He had a real good soul… but he left me, Nadia, just like your father did, only in a different way.
“Didn’t matter if he didn’t mean to do it. The results were the same. He wasn’t there for his child. He never got to meet his son, and I now had two children to raise on my own. Nelson looks just like him, too… I saw James every day through our child. He haunts me, but still, it’s like he was never here. A ghost that rides on a washed-out memory. Daddies can walk away, Nadia. Mamas have to stay put. The babies end up growin’ up, and hating the one that stayed. Just the way of the world… just another day in this thang we call life.”
The sprinkler and the garden…
Mama faced her fully, smiling sadly. “I wasn’t the best mother… I know that now. But I tried to do right by y’all, Nadia. I promise I did.”
“And now I understand you better. I admire you so much, Mama. You taught me how to cook a delicious five course meal. You showed me the importance of making my own money to create my financial security. You showed me how to be afraid of the world, and want to rule it at the same time! You are a dynamite woman. You are beautiful. Strong. Capable. We both could have done better. I should have taken accountability earlier for my own choices that I made as an adult. I can’t blame you and my father for everything. That’s not fair. And that’s just reality. You are a tiger in human form, but you had cubs, Mama… If the good Lord’s willing, one day, I will be ninety years old. Even then, at that ripe old age, I will still be your baby—because I will still want my mama!”
And with that, she wrapped her arms around her mother and squeezed all the hurt away…