Chapter 9
CATFISH
Iplace my hands on the wall outside my room and take a deep breath.
Then another.
When I was young and my thoughts raced like this all the time, I’d often act out in anger.
Willa was the one who—as I got a little older, and she was in the first year of her teaching degree—taught me how to control the feelings I had.
She helped me understand it came from all kinds of triggers. Feeling trapped.
Being bullied.
Not being able to defend myself safely.
Things would just bubble over.
She taught me how to breathe.
How to rein in the thoughts that got bigger and amplified until I said or did something I’d later regret.
But carrying Wren to my bed just now has triggered something inside me I’d long thought I’d put behind me.
Seeing Wren live with that kind of pent-up turmoil ignited memories of feeling the same. Hell, it’s almost laughable that I’m out here, dealing with my own raging emotions, while recognizing that’s why Wren is in there, one step away from a nervous breakdown.
All because I took them for a ride on a fucking horse.
“You’re gonna have to watch yourself, Catfish,” Wraith says, finding me in the corridor.
Yeah, just what I don’t need right now. “Why’s that?”
“Didn’t you hear everything Grudge said?”
I turn to face Wraith. “Oh. Is this what you’re going to do now with your VP patch? Just come talk to me to parrot what the president said?”
Wraith leans back against the wall, crossing his arms across his chest. “Let’s try this again. Catfish. What the fuck is going on with you?”
I stub the toe of my boot into a small gap between the floorboards. “Yeah, ‘cos that’s so much better.”
“Whether you like it or not, Wren is simply a job for us.”
I don’t tell Wraith how much that sentence rankles me. I don’t even respond.
“You listening, Catfish? Because this is important. She’s a job.”
I look at him out of the corner of my eyes. “They. Not she. They.”
He raises his hands in apology. “Fair. Taking a bit of getting used to. But they are just a job for us.”
“Where’s your fucking humanity. They’re not just a job, they’re a human being.”
He shakes his head. “They’re fifty grand a month, to make up for lost income.”
“Wren got most of it back.”
“Yeah. Two thirds. I heard. Still a gap, though. So, fall in line.”
I stare at the man I call my friend. “You saying I should fall in line because I’m treasurer? Because that cash was lost on my watch?”
“Fuck you.” Wraith purses his lips. “Not sure what’s crawled up your ass that you seem to want to deliberately misunderstand everything I’m saying.
So let me try and sum it up for you. The only job we have is to keep Wren safe.
And the most effective way to do that is to keep them in one fucking place.
Keeping them safe is our reputation. That we can do that for our national president.
And if you just find the usual mellow man you are inside somewhere, you’ll know that this is a big fucking deal for Grudge, given it’s his first real job from national.
He isn’t gonna want to let King down. Second, we have money still missing, so the fifty-grand-a-month payment to look out for Wren will fill a really significant void.
Hell, we could even end up cash positive.
So, it’s best for everyone that we continue to get that money for as long as we can and do nothing that makes King think Wren would be safer anywhere else. Am I making fucking sense now?”
That was a really long spiel for the man who usually uses weapons to punctuate his sentences.
And if I pause for a second and think about what he’s saying, I get it. “Understood. But Wren’s got anxiety or panic attacks or something. They can’t cope being shut up inside like that. That has to count for fucking something.”
Wraith lifts off the wall and turns to face me. “Wren should just be lucky we’re keeping them alive. And that’s where your job ends. Right?”
I don’t say anything.
Wraith grabs my shoulder. “Right?”
I shake his hand off me. It should be an easy question to answer. I’m usually happy to toe the line.
“You remember when Raven moved into the apartment above the hardware store?”
Wraith tugs a hand through his hair. “You better have a good reason for bringing my old lady into it.”
“You looked out for her, long before the two of you hooked up. Something inside you just told you it was the right thing to do. You couldn’t bear to see her and her kid living in that shithole of an apartment.
You put on new locks to keep ‘em safe. And when she was sick, you went out and got them food.”
Wraith smiles as if remembering good times. “Yeah. I did. But if I’m honest with myself, it’s because I had feelings for her before I ever admitted it. I spent most of that time hating myself for falling for her, even while I did all those things anyway.”
Maybe that’s what’s happening to me.
Maybe I’m not being honest enough with myself.
“Is that what’s happening?” Wraith asks. There’s a hint of surprise in his tone. “Because that can’t happen here. There’s a hands-off clause.”
Something stops me from answering truthfully.
I shake my head, denying the fragile feelings that are forming.
“It’s a human-goodness thing. When you needed furniture for Raven, I helped load ‘em up. When she needed protection, I had her back. When we needed to make sure all this happened unseen while letting Fen recover from the emotional wounds of his father, we did it. We managed to find a way to give them a life while they recovered but were protected. I’m gonna fight for Wren’s right to have the same. ”
“Is this becoming personal for you?” Wraith asks.
I shake my head again but then sigh. “Don’t ask me that.”
“Then keep your fucking head, or I’ll be moving Wren in with Jackal and Shade.”
I grab the edges of Wraith’s cut and shove him back against the wall. “You fucking won’t.”
I have no idea where Atom comes from, but one minute I’m staring down my vice president, and the next, my best friend has me hauled back against the wall.
“You, go,” Atom says to Wraith while his forearm pins me by the neck.
“Remember what I said,” Wraith says, straightening his collar, before heading down the hall.
“Easy, brother,” Atom says, releasing me. “Punching the vice president is a real bad idea. Might be the worst idea you had today, which is saying a lot.”
I let my shoulders and head drop. “In my defense, he was a dick.”
“You worried about Wren?” he asks.
“Honestly, I don’t have the energy to go through all that again.” I tip my head in the direction of the hallway Wraith just disappeared down.
“Then give me the summary.”
“All the people we’ve protected have had space.
Been allowed out. Shown up here. Raven and Fen, Ember, Quinn, Greer, Lucy.
Wren is struggling with anxiety or some shit, and we’re forcing them to stay inside.
And when I try to fix that, by bringing them here, the safest fucking place I know, I get shit on from a great height. ”
Atom moves out of my space and leans against the opposite wall.
“Fine. I’m the club sergeant at arms. Safety is part of my role.
Plus, I own most of the land around here.
Let’s make a proposal, to move Wren. You can stay in Dad’s old place.
It’s got the benefit of being far enough from the clubhouse for privacy but benefitting from the proximity. And the renovations are nearly done.”
Atom’s family has owned this ranch for over a hundred years. It’s rare that Atom talks about his father, a traitor to the club who was excommunicated. But the house he lived in on the property has been undergoing refurbishment.
“Don’t you want to move in there?” I ask.
Atom shakes his head. “Nope. I’m going to move into Gramps’s place, eventually. Too many memories attached to my father’s place. Plus, I like the life Em and I have in our current home on the property. Feels like I get to leave work in the evening and go home to my old lady.”
I wonder what the non-binary version of husband and wife is. Partner seems so boring. Husband and wife is something reverent. Something I think is important. Spouse would work but feels…less. I also don’t know what the non-binary equivalent of old lady is either.
Pretty sure Wren might take issue with something so…possessional.
“Let’s go talk to Grudge,” I say. “We can make a plan to move Wren here this afternoon and—”
“Catfish.” I hear my name before the door is fully open. Greer steps out into the hallway. “I’ll be back to check on Wren in a few hours, but they’d like you to go talk to them.”
The door closes shut. “What do they need? Anything?”
Greer shakes her head. “What I suggest they need is a month-long holiday, on a beach, with sea air and no organized crime. But I think some peace and quiet without everyone all living in the bakery and a release of pressure from whatever you all have them working on. Maybe their security can be outside wherever they live. And as I’ll tell Grudge on the way out, if they want to ride on a fucking horse, let them. ”
“Thanks for seeing them,” I say, squeezing Greer’s shoulder. “How much do I owe you?”
Greer places her hand over mine. “No charge. But the first time Butcher’s sick this winter and I have no security for the night clinic, I’ll call you and you’ll say yes to helping me, and we’ll be even.”
I smile. “It’s a deal.”
Greer walks down the hallway as Atom slaps my back. “Let me go talk to Grudge. You got other things to deal with.”
I glance to the door.
“You’d rather go in there, wouldn’t you?”
I don’t know how to answer that. It’s too complicated to get my head around. But Wren asked to talk to me, and that makes it the most important thing I have to do right now.
“Listen,” Atom says. “You’ve been my best friend a long fucking time. And you knew about me and Ember long before anyone else did.” Ember is Butcher, our former president’s daughter. And for a while, the two of them hid their relationship from him. “I’ll keep your secrets if you need to talk.”
But I’m not ready. It’s too soon in whatever this is between Wren and me, if there even is something. I glance down the hallway and then back to the door to my room.
“Tough, isn’t it?” Atom asks.
“What?”
“Deciding if it’s worth it when you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.”
“What do you—?” But Atom’s headed down the corridor before I can finish asking him what he means.
When I push the door open, there’s a stirring rightness in my belly at the sight of Wren in my hoodie in my bed.
“Don’t even try to be nice to me right now,” Wren mutters when I step inside and close the door behind me. “It might be more than I can handle.”
I smile at that and move to sit on the edge of the bed. “I promise not to.”
“What happened, when I passed out?”
“You mean, after you decided I needed protecting against a man literally twice your size?”
Wren places a hand over their forehead and closes their eyes. “I didn’t want him to hit you.”
The fact Wren was protecting me isn’t lost on me. It’s becoming clear that the roles I’d normally fall into, the roles I feel strong in, are also important to Wren. “Yeah, because him hitting you was a much better alternative.”
The corner of Wren’s lips twitch in a smile, and they open their eyes. “What happened, Catfish?”
“I managed to grab you before you hit the floor, hopefully saving that stubborn skull and impressive brain from future damage. Smoke is a firefighter, former smoke jumper, and a trained first responder, so he got over real fucking quick to check you were breathing and shit. Then, I carried you here.” I don’t tell Wren about the raging panic I felt when I saw them go down like a fallen tree.
“Did you undress me?”
“Wasn’t sure what the protocol was for undressing you.
If it was one of my brothers, I’d have done it.
If it was one of the old ladies, would have asked Greer.
Not sure who you would have felt most comfortable with.
So, I asked Greer to help me. She’s a wicked smart surgeon.
I did your boots and jeans. “We were just debating your”—I reach for the word Greer had used—“chest binder when you came around.”
Wren places their hand over their hoodie-clad chest, their cheeks turning pink with embarrassment. “Guess it’s no surprise I have these.”
“I happen to like tits, regardless of size, especially if they have pretty nipples. But I swear I wouldn’t have peeked unless you wanted me to.”
“It doesn’t change who I am and how I identify now that you know I wear a binder.” They glance up at me beneath dark lashes. “I’m very agnostic about them. I think, one day, I might feel brave enough to remove them if I settle in one place long enough.”
I feel a jolt of surprise, not at what they’re proposing, but how supportive I am of it. I can picture Wren, more at home in their body, happier with how they show up in the world.
Isn’t that what any of us want?
“That’s brave of you.” I place my hand on their thigh and squeeze it gently. “How are you feeling?”
“Like a hot mess. Greer says it’s a panic attack on top of an anxiety attack. She explained why she thinks I can’t seem to escape the pressure in my chest right now.”
“Is she right?”
“I hate feeling weak, Catfish. Intellectually, I know I’m not under attack here, for now, but I just can’t seem to climb down off this…I don’t know. Every small thing feels like the straw that will break my back.”
I shake Wren gently. “Hey, I wouldn’t use the word weakness to define the person who stepped in front of a six-and-a-half-foot, two-hundred-and-forty-pound monolith to defend me.”
Wren places their hand over their face again. “God, I can’t believe I did that.”
I chuckle as I reach for their wrist and drag their hand away.
Was enjoying looking into those slate-gray eyes.
Never seen a color quite like them before.
“I don’t know. I kind of liked it. Especially the look on Grudge’s face immediately after.
Never seen the guy so shocked. Might need to give you a nickname based on the fact you tried to beat his ass for me. ”
“Maybe we save that decision for another day.”
“You hungry?”
“Starved.”
“Let me go get some food. And then we should talk.”