Chapter 41
FORTY-ONE
SIXTEEN YEARS AGO
Camilla
I am awake all night. When the bleeding stops, I feel empty and lost. But, in the morning, I get up and have a shower, making sure that there is no evidence of what happened.
Clean and dressed, I sit on the bed and call my mother, suddenly longing for her voice. I will probably wake her but I don’t care.
It rings and rings and rings until it cuts off. And that feels like just one more rejection.
I have no one. The baby was my only hope of some kind of life and now it’s gone as well.
Nothing and no one chooses me.
I am startled by a ping on my phone and I see it’s a message from Lawrence.
I’ll be there in 20.
I read the words over again. He’s coming. He’s coming because he thinks I’m carrying his child. Panicked thoughts clash in my brain. What am I going to do? This was my only chance. Taking a deep breath to calm myself down, I close my eyes and try to think straight.
The thought flickers in my head like a light bulb. Maybe he doesn’t need to know that I’m not pregnant anymore.
Once I realise this, I’m filled with energy and I make sure that the room is neat and tidy.
He doesn’t need to know. I seduced him once and I can do it again. It’s very early in the pregnancy and I can fake it until I make it. I need to recover but, in a few weeks, I can try again. That’s what I’m going to do, fake it until I make it.
By the time there is a knock at the door, I’m brimming with excitement. I can feel the life I want to live in the air around me.
Everything is about to change.
Lawrence is at the door, a wide grin on his face. He looks so happy, as though I didn’t get him here by threatening him. He wanted to have a baby with Reese but he can have one with me.
‘You came,’ I say.
‘Well, that’s my baby you have in there.’ He laughs.
‘I’m sorry about telling Reese and everything but you and she weren’t really suited,’ I say, even though I’m not really sorry at all.
‘Don’t worry,’ he says. ‘It’s all in the past now.’
He’s holding two large cups. ‘I told my parents and they’re really excited.
My mother asked me if you were eating right and I told her we would start today with a smoothie, so here you go, filled with fruit and vegetables and dairy to feed both of you.
’ He hands me one of the smoothies and I realise that I’m actually famished.
‘Shall we sit on the bed?’ I say and he nods.
‘You said you had no choice but to tell Reese,’ he says, ‘and honestly, it’s okay, I get it and it doesn’t matter now but why did you feel you had no choice? Just curious.’
I nod my head as I sip my smoothie. He doesn’t sound angry so I explain. I tell him everything; well, not quite everything. I keep some stuff back. Lawrence and I are going to be connected for a long time and he doesn’t need to know everything just yet.
‘Right, I understand,’ he says when I’m done explaining and then he’s quiet.
We finish our smoothies, not talking, just grinning at each other now and again. I wish that Reese and Victoria could see me now. I know they’d be jealous and I would revel in that jealousy. I don’t need anyone but myself. I’ll get pregnant again and Lawrence will be none the wiser.
‘I wanted to talk to you about where I’ll live,’ I say to Lawrence as I finish, a yawn suddenly overtaking me.
‘Tired?’ he asks, without answering the question.
‘I am so tired,’ I say and it sounds like I’m slurring my words. I feel odd. The room is spinning and I want to throw up but I can’t actually move. I just want to close my eyes.
‘I don’t… feel,’ I say.
‘You don’t feel…?’ he asks.
I can’t make the words come and I flop back on the bed, my eyelids feeling like they’re weighed down.
‘You didn’t think I was going to let you ruin my life, Camilla, did you?
’ Lawrence says softly. I can’t move, can’t reply.
‘You screwed up everything with Reese. I was humiliated. My family was embarrassed. All the plans I had are gone. My whole life was perfect and you fucked that up because you couldn’t just keep your mouth shut.
I’ll never recover from what you did, Camilla, never. ’
‘But…’ I start to say and then I can’t think anymore. I am sinking through the mattress, through the floor, into nothingness.
‘Who in their right mind would want a child with you?’ are the last words I hear.