Chapter Forty-Five
Dear Diary,
I haven’t written much about this before, mostly because I never thought my prank would keep going this long.
But here we are, and what’s happening tonight is too good not to document.
I’m smiling right now at how well—no, freakin’ amazing—my plan has worked.
I had no idea it could go this far, but Beth is more gullible than I’d given her credit for.
For being so book smart, Beth’s actually pretty dumb.
I’ll start at the beginning. At the end of summer, I sent Beth a message from the fake MySpace account I created pretending to be Russell (she told me in fifth grade that she thought he was hot).
It was just for fun, and I’d planned to tell Beth the truth soon after.
I wasn’t even sure she’d reply. I mean, does she honestly think my brother would remember her, let alone message her?
But she did, and she was so Obviously into him. It was so sad and pathetic that I decided to let her live in her fantasy a little longer.
Beth’s never had a boyfriend (and probably never will if she doesn’t start counting her calories).
So it seemed cruel not to let her enjoy what it feels like to be in love, at least for a little while.
It’s sad to say, but her pretend online fling is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to her.
Being Beth’s friend, I planned to let her down easy before Halloween, saying that “Russell” was heading into a top-secret op and couldn’t contact her anymore.
But then, Beth got all jealous of me and Palmer’s friendship when I let Palmer stay with me.
The chubby bitch went so far as to tell Palmer that I was using her, calling me a fake friend.
Ha! Now that’s bullshit. What would I be using any of my friends for? I’m the one who has everything. I should be worried they’re using me. Plus, Beth was the one with a fake boyfriend. Hello!
Anyways, I was shocked. I’ve always been kind to Beth, taken her under my wing. I’ve stuck up to bullies for her since kindergarten. How dare she?
I’m the most honest one in our whole volleyball team. No one else has the guts to tell Beth she needs to lose weight. But I tell her because it’s the truth. And that’s what friends do.
When Palmer told me what Beth said about having a boyfriend, I was tempted to gloat, crush the pretend fairytale Beth was living in. But I held my tongue. Instead, I came on even stronger to Beth as “Russell.”
I’ve been told I’m not a good listener, but fortunately Beth talks about books so much that it’s impossible not to know what her favorites are. Normally, I space out pretty quick when Beth starts rattling on about books, but lately, I’ve been paying attention.
And get this: Now, Beth believes that she and Russell are not only soul mates, but that they also read the same books.
LOL, picturing my brother with a book in his hand (especially one of those super old boring ones that Beth reads) makes me laugh out loud.
My pen is jiggling because I’m LMAO right now writing this.
One night a few weeks ago after I helped myself to some peach Schnapps from my parents’ liquor cabinet, I proposed, asking Beth if she’d marry me (Russell) when he got home from his tour in Iraq.
After hitting Send on my laptop, I thought it was game over. I’d gone too far. Beth had to know she was being punked. But she said yes! I couldn’t believe it. What a moron. I honestly thought she was smarter than that.
I made Beth promise not to tell anyone about our secret engagement, warning her that not everyone would understand our love connection since she was so much younger than me. She agreed. (I know, shocker.)
The next day at school, Beth was practically floating on air, as if she’d lost those extra fifteen pounds. I caught her smiling to herself three times just in Spanish class.
But I was getting tired of having to keep up the fake messages.
While fun, it’s also exhausting. I even had to record the last episode of One Tree Hill!
I was going to stop responding to her altogether when Russell surprised my parents and me by coming home for Christmas.
It couldn’t have been more perfect if I’d planned it.
Beth thinks she’s coming over tonight to help me pick out a New Year’s dress, even though I already totally know what I’m going to wear.
She should be here any minute. My parents aren’t home, and Russell is downstairs watching football.
When Beth gets here, I’ll let him answer the door and watch from the upstairs balcony.
I can’t wait to see the look on her face.
Oh! The doorbell’s ringing. I have to go.
We’ll see who’s fake now.