Chapter 36 Erin
Erin
The smell was the first thing I noticed when I entered the Whiteshore Prison complex.
Stale sweat, urine and decay. Normally you get used to a smell quickly, but this was cloying.
I felt like I could taste it and it revolted me.
The arrangement to visit had not been straightforward.
I had to write to the prison to request to be added to Milo’s visitors’ list and then there was a two-week wait until I was approved.
The amount of bureaucracy and red tape to get into the visiting area took over an hour, but Margie had warned me about this.
There were rules about how to sit in the plastic chairs provided; some touching was allowed, though I had no intention of touching Milo or allowing him to touch me.
My heart was pounding and I found myself feeling excited at the thought of seeing him.
At the same time, my stomach was flipping and I was terrified of facing him.
I had to be very cool. Like ice. I spotted him immediately.
We were both nine years older than we had been the last time I’d seen him.
Milo’s sandy hair was streaked with silver at the sides, he was leaner in his sweatpants and shirt than I remembered, but the sparkling blue eyes were the same.
He didn’t look particularly sick. He stood up as I approached.
A guard yelled at him to sit down. I sat in the chair opposite his, a white painted line on the floor the only thing dividing us.
I could not tear my eyes away from his face, which seemed to express many emotions all at once – hope, desire, fear, confusion – and then he grinned. That familiar grin.
‘I … I didn’t think you’d come.’
I’d forgotten how deep his voice was. Many years previously, I had thrown out every memory of him, the love letters, the photos, the silly drawings, the small trinkets of affection.
But here he was, older, and though this place had taken its toll on him, he was still handsome.
I was momentarily stunned as we locked eyes.
‘I heard you were sick,’ I said.
A flash of angst crossed his face and the grin disappeared. ‘I didn’t do it, Eri, you know I didn’t.’
He was the only person who ever called me Eri. I’d forgotten. I shoved the sweet memories aside. ‘You’re sick?’
‘What?’
‘Where is your cancer?’
‘Can we not say hello first?’
‘Hello. Where is your cancer?’
‘I would never force myself on anybody.’
‘I came because Margie said you had cancer.’
‘Think about it. Why would I attack her? Your family were good to me. Why would I risk losing you, and them, and losing everything else I was working towards?’
I had to look away and ignore his words.
‘Do you have cancer or not?’
‘If I had raped her, wouldn’t it have been easier for me to say it was consensual? I’m not saying your family did anything wrong but that could not have been my DNA. I did not have sex of any kind with your sister, she was just a kid. They made a mistake or the DA lied –’
I dragged myself up from the chair. This was pointless.
A guard looked questioningly in my direction.
Milo reached for my hand and pulled it, and the memory of his touch, the heat from his hand, now calloused and red, made me collapse back into the chair.
I had to gather myself. I must not cry. I couldn’t let him win.
I looked at the guard, a nod to assure him that everything was okay. Then I snatched my hand back.
‘You did rape her. DNA cannot be faked. It is impossible. You will never convince me otherwise. Now, do you have cancer or not?’
He dropped his head, and I realized then that it was a ruse. Margie and Milo had concocted this cancer story to make me visit him.
‘More lies, Milo? Really?’
‘It was Margie’s idea. I’m not allowed to write to you. I needed to see you. You’re still my girl, Erin.’
‘Stop talking like that. I am not your girl. I don’t know why you thought you could force me to come, use emotional blackmail like that. You know I only came because Ruby said I could –’
‘You came because you still care.’
Did I? In the moment, I was utterly confused. Even though I wanted to leave, I found my feet wouldn’t carry me away.
‘Every single day, I’ve thought about you,’ he said. ‘In the beginning, I tried to hate you for not believing me, but –’
‘Stop. I can’t stay if you talk like that. You lied to get me here, or Margie did, and you went along with it. You’re smarter than that, Milo. Why would you think that lying now would make me believe that you didn’t lie then?’
‘Please, I wanted to see you, to see if there was any chance –’
‘Of what?’
‘Of you believing me.’
‘There isn’t. You are a monster. You destroyed my family. My parents divorced. Ruby is an alcoholic –’
I faltered. I’d sworn to her that I would not reveal anything about her to him. The tears came.
‘I’m sorry, that’s tough, but none of it is my fault. My ma took her own life.’
‘I’m sorry about that.’
‘There’s something wrong with your sister. You didn’t lose anyone except me. Please stay a little longer. We don’t have to talk about any of that, but please, don’t go.’
I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand and, again, I saw the concern in Milo’s face. I sat back in the chair. ‘Your mother. She was a real lady.’ He smiled a wan smile. I had to stop myself from reaching out and putting my hand on his cheek.
‘Thanks for those care parcels. I really appreciate them.’
‘What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Sure you do. Every month? I get these parcels with candy and socks and toothbrushes, stuff like that?’
I wasn’t sure if this was another manipulation. ‘I never sent you one thing, Milo.’
He looked puzzled and then disbelieving.
‘If you say so.’
‘I do.’
He changed tack. ‘How are you, Eri? Are you still writing those amazing stories? You know how I loved them.’
I remembered that Milo never knew that the story he had submitted on my behalf had been accepted, and then withdrawn. I wasn’t going to tell him. I shook my head.
‘Why not? They were wicked smart stories. Why are you publishing other people’s stories?’ Margie clearly kept tabs on me for Milo. ‘Where are you living? Do you have room-mates?’
‘I live with my boyfriend, Fabian. We’re getting married next year,’ I lied.
His brows lowered. ‘You love him, this Fabian?’
‘With all my heart.’ My eyes skipped away.
There was a short pause and then he said, ‘Nah, you don’t love him. It would be a big mistake to marry him.’
I couldn’t say anything to that. Milo always knew when I was being evasive.
‘Why now, Milo? Why did you contact me now?’
‘It’s been over eight years. I got my first parole hearing coming up next month. My guy says that if I confess to it, I could get out of here. But I’m not going to admit it because I didn’t do it.’
‘Well, then you’re a fool,’ I said, ‘and please tell Margie to stop with the hate mail, she’s wasting her time. I don’t read them any more.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Margie would never do something like that.’
‘Yeah, well I never thought you’d do something like rape my sister, yet here we are.’
I saw anger then. ‘I did not do that. I loved you.’
‘Shut up.’ It was all too much. I couldn’t bear to stay any longer.
I got up to leave and he said, ‘Don’t go, Eri, please don’t go.
We can sit here and say nothing. You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
Please, Erin.’ I continued to walk away.
‘Write your stories, don’t waste that talent, write your stories, Eri.
’ I never looked back while I waited for the guard and heard him shouting as I went through the door, ‘I never did nothing with your sister, nothing. I’ll swear that on a stack of bibles until the day I die. ’
I left and had to go back through all the gates and doors, and sign all the forms on the way out.
It was a half-hour before I got back into the privacy of my car where I could cry like a child.
I was done with Milo Kelly, the lying bastard.
I hadn’t thought that he was stupid too.
Denying his crime would never go down well with the parole board.