Chapter 57
I didn’t sleep a wink the night I sent the email.
I knew Simon would probably check his emails on his phone, and I waited and waited for a response.
Then I panicked when I thought, what if he showed Adanna?
I even tried to retrieve the email, but I couldn’t, I knew he’d read it.
Eventually, at dawn, I fell asleep and woke up sluggish.
I was running late for work. My eyes were puffy from crying and my skin was blotchy.
I got to my desk at ten minutes past nine and kept my head down.
Simon didn’t usually get in until closer to half past. The Monday morning chatter around me seemed normal.
Daniel came over to my desk. I tried to pretend I hadn’t seen him, but he pulled up a chair beside me.
‘Jesus, what’s happened to your eyes?’ It was obviously worse than I thought.
‘I think I’m allergic to this new shampoo.’
‘Well, you never replied to my texts over the weekend. Is everything okay?’
I hadn’t replied to any texts and had kept my distance from my parents. ‘Yeah, sure, I was busy with my cousin. Sorry, I should have replied.’
‘Friday night was fun, wasn’t it? You caused a stir.’
I paused. ‘What?’
‘Gina had a stand-up row with her boyfriend, Romero? He couldn’t stop looking at you all night. She threw a glass of beer in his face at the end of the gig. Didn’t you know? How did you miss that? I couldn’t find you – that’s why I was texting you.’
The relief I felt was overwhelming, though I hadn’t seen Simon yet. At least it appeared that nobody had seen us leaving together. And everyone was talking about Gina, not me.
Just then, Simon breezed in. ‘Morning,’ he called and got a lot of responses.
‘Thanks for the gig, Simon.’
‘Great night out on Friday, cheers!’
Some of them started singing the chorus of ‘Birds of a Feather’ and broke into laughter. I kept my head down again but he passed close to my desk. ‘Lulu, will you pop into the meeting room in about five minutes? I need to put you on the Burton project.’
My heart walloped in my chest. I’d never heard of the Burton project. Anything could happen. I could be fired, suspended, or at least moved to a different department on a different floor, with a strike against my name.
As soon as I stepped into the room, I burst into tears. Simon was sitting at the head of the long table. ‘Hey, shush,’ he said, and his voice was gentle. ‘Come, sit here.’ He indicated the chair beside him. I sat obediently, pointing my knees away from him.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m such a fool.’
He pushed a box of tissues towards me. This was the room people were brought to when they were fired from the company. There was always a box of tissues.
‘I don’t want you to be upset, Lulu,’ he said. ‘But I don’t think I gave you any reason to think –’
‘No, no, you didn’t, I was drunk and, like, stupid, oh God.’ Fresh tears poured down my cheeks.
‘I think you should go home,’ said Simon.
This was it. The end of my career before it had begun.
He continued. ‘You’re clearly in no condition to work today, but there’s no need to be anxious about it.
It was a silly mistake, and we can chalk it down to too much alcohol and overexcitement.
Go home, watch some mindless daytime TV and relax, maybe get yourself a massage, and please stop crying.
There’s no need. I deleted that email the minute I read it, and I suggest you do the same.
I’ll see you in the morning and we shall continue as if nothing has happened, okay? ’
My heart lifted with every sentence. No dismissal, no suspension, no HR involvement at all.
I couldn’t believe it. I stopped myself from hugging him obviously but thanked him profusely and promised him it would never happen again.
I closed the door behind me, overwhelmed with relief.
I told Daniel I was going to see a doctor about my eye infection and left the office.
I couldn’t believe I had gotten off so lightly.
On Tuesday, everything was as normal in the office, though I avoided eye contact with Simon, even though he included me in all the meetings and, as usual, praised my work.
Then it came to Thursday of the following week, and Daniel asked me to come to Angelo’s, a new gay bar, with him on Friday.
He was a bit of a lost soul in Dublin. His friends and family were in Mullingar.
He was living in a soulless apartment block fifteen miles from the city centre, sharing with strangers.
I sensed he was lonely. I agreed but, as we were discussing it, Simon appeared and invited himself along.
Although I was nervous, I replied, ‘Of course.’
But Daniel was peeved. ‘It’s a gay bar, Simon.’
Simon laughed. ‘I’m sure they won’t throw me out. I’m popular with the gays, you know.’ There was a bit of an edge to his voice and Daniel knew his place.
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘The karaoke starts at eight – we’ll need to be there by seven to get a seat.’
‘Karaoke?’ said Simon. ‘How wonderfully retro. Do I have to be in drag?’
We laughed, and I felt another wave of relief. Simon wasn’t afraid to socialize with me again, and this time I was going to be keeping my hands to myself.
The next day, I dressed carefully. My skirt was short, but it was summer. I wore a high-necked blouse that revealed nothing and a jacket over that.
At the end of the working day, Simon suggested we go to Bar Four before Angelo’s. Daniel said, ‘Okay, but only for a short while.’
We all walked down to the bar together. I was quiet, not wanting to be seen as too gregarious or needy.
When we got there, I asked for a glass of wine, but Simon insisted we should have gin and tonics.
He went to the bar while Daniel and I found a table.
‘Are you okay?’ he quizzed me. ‘You hardly said anything on the way over.’
‘Sure, I’m tired.’ And I was tired. The previous two weeks had taken their toll on me, and I hadn’t slept well, thinking of all the things that could have happened.
Simon came back with the drinks. I hadn’t drunk spirits before.
Maybe growing up in a house with two alcoholics made me wary, but on a night out I’d have three glasses of wine max.
The gin relaxed me, though. Simon was good company, telling funny stories about his tiny daughter whose first word was not ‘mama’ or ‘dada’, but ‘tractor’.
Adanna was spending the weekend back at her parents’ farm in Cork with little Sadie.
Simon ordered another round of drinks. Daniel didn’t want one. He wanted to get going to Angelo’s.
‘Will you go ahead and save us a seat? We’ve only just started these. We’ll follow you down,’ said Simon.
Daniel gave me a look, but Simon caught it. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t let her try to ravish me again,’ he said, laughing.
I blushed to my roots and Daniel looked confused. ‘I’ll see you down there, okay?’
‘Sure,’ I said.
Once Daniel was gone, Simon turned serious. ‘You know, I’ve been thinking about it and I may have led you astray after all, that day in the restaurant when I met you coming out of the bathroom. Remember, I twirled you around and kissed you on the cheek?’
I remembered, though I clearly recollected he had kissed me on the mouth.
‘I’m sorry, Lulu. I did it to a few of the girls that night. I remember worrying afterwards that some of them might think I was a lecherous old perve.’
I didn’t think anyone thought of him like that.
But I appreciated the fact that he was owning up to this.
I felt better. I hadn’t imagined things.
Simon was just one of those flirty guys.
He didn’t mean anything by it. We got into talking about relationships then.
I told him about my first boyfriend in school.
I also told him that, strictly speaking, I was queer – that I’d had a girlfriend in college but I was into guys now.
I wanted him to know that I wasn’t as buttoned up as it might appear because I was such a work nerd.
He then had me rate the guys in the office on a scale of 1 to 10. It was cruel but funny.
I think we mutually decided that we weren’t going to join Daniel.
I texted him to say that I was too tired and that I was going home.
It was a lie, and I should have gone to Angelo’s, but it was nice to have a proper conversation with Simon, knowing that it wasn’t going to lead anywhere.
I could relax and be myself. He told me about his childhood, a weak mother and a father who left them both when he was fifteen.
We had more drinks and then he announced he was starving and suggested we go to L’étoile Bleue for dinner.
I remember arriving at the restaurant; I remember trying to refuse more alcohol, but Simon insisted on a bottle of expensive wine.
‘You’re going to love it,’ he said, but after four G&Ts on an empty stomach, I wouldn’t have known the difference between champagne and cider.
He filled my glass but not his own. ‘I’ll have some in a minute,’ he said, and he ordered food.
I had fishcakes to start and duck confit for my main course.
My glass never seemed to be empty. I remember saying ‘No more wine’ and he mimicked me in a baby voice, and we laughed hysterically. Everything was funny.
After that, I remember little. Moments came back to me.
Simon leaning over me outside somewhere. I must have been on the ground. Did I fall?
Simon struggling to get the key in the door of his apartment.
I must have fallen asleep in the chair because I remember being woken up and Simon giving me a glass of wine. Did I drink any of that?
The next thing I remember was waking up naked, and in terrible pain, not just from being hungover.
I didn’t dare to count the welts and bruises all over my body.
There was a terrible ache between my legs.
A discarded used condom was on the floor beside me, and an empty wine bottle. Simon was fast asleep on the bed.
As quietly as I could, I gathered my clothes and my bag, and left. I hailed a taxi on the street and went home.