Chapter 67
I rifled through the medicine cabinet looking for anti-nausea meds and the codeine tablets that Jack was prescribed for kidney stones.
I must have taken them all the last time.
There were loose bandages, a single ear plug, paracetamol (I took three), some cough medicine (I had a swig) and a pack of Xanax prescribed for Lucy, but my need was greater.
One would only take the edge off the jitters I was feeling, so I took two.
I ran a bath and stuffed the shoes I was wearing into the outside bin, the clothes into the washing machine.
I lowered myself into the hot water and relaxed my head on to the bath cushion.
She appeared at the bedroom door. ‘What are you doing in here? Where were you last night? I left loads of messages for you. Dad tried to pretend you were staying with a friend, but I know you weren’t. Dad’s a terrible liar.’
I ignored the questions. I had one of my own. ‘Why aren’t you at work?’
‘Some of them were talking about how much they missed Simon. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I had to get out of there. Why are you in bed? And why not in your own bed?’
‘And how are you feeling now? Do you want to take a Xanax?’ I hoped she wasn’t keeping count.
She ignored me and went downstairs again. It was a stand-off. If I wasn’t going to answer her questions, she wasn’t going to answer mine.
As she had grown up, our relationship had become more difficult, but this new Lucy was even more spiky and suspicious. So was I.
Lucy was always a sensitive girl. As a toddler, she was compliant and affectionate to Jack and me.
Her mouth naturally turned up at the corners.
She had a resting smiley face. She was smart too, quick to catch on to new ideas, and she could always outargue me using logic and facts.
As exhausting as this could be, she was still a sweet girl.
Despite some deviousness as a child, she was a natural empath, crying when any of her friends were hurt as if she felt their pain too.
Her adolescence, though, was hard on me.
She was angry that I didn’t know who her birth father was.
She judged me. And it got worse as she got older.
Everything that Jack said was right and I was always wrong.
She tried to drive a wedge between Jack and me.
I’m not sure how aware of it he was, but it was blindingly obvious to me.
It was clear that Jack loved her more than he loved me.
It awakened all those old feelings. Erin, Isobel Lucas, and now, my own daughter.
Lucy had visited my mother regularly and often took her shopping.
She loved school and participated in all the social activities except for drama club, probably to annoy me.
She had been an excellent student, a good netball player.
She did a stellar Leaving Certificate. She was fiercely ambitious.
She had loved going into the office every day because she was a social creature.
I should have been delighted with such a high-achieving child, but the way she hung out of Jack and avoided me was irritating.
It was her fault that I was drinking again. How was I supposed to help her when I couldn’t help myself? I pulled the duvet over my head and went back to sleep.