Chapter 42
MAGGIE
Today I’ve lived a life I never thought I would have.
I’ve been welcomed into this gloriously flawed family and been made to feel, just for a day, like I could belong here.
Between the banter, the food, the party preparations, there’s been a pull in the pit of my stomach.
Because the more they bring me into the light, the longer the shadow grows over me at the thought of losing it all.
I’d always thought that getting-ready montages only existed in movies.
But there Jack was, looking up at me from the bottom of the stairs, like I was the only woman in the world.
And in that moment, I believed it too. That I could be the girl they would all want to keep.
Even if he didn’t take my hand or hasn’t touched me since his talk in the library, and even if, for most of the party, I’ve been here, on the veranda.
Once again, the outsider looking in. Jack has tried to stay with me, but I’ve encouraged him to go and mingle.
It’s not fair for him to be the outsider too.
And I haven’t missed the glances from his family when he’s been outside with me rather than inside with them.
Gilly joins me.
‘Phew! It’s getting warm in there. Mind if I join you?’
She places a glass of prosecco on the small patio table.
‘Not at all. Jack’s just nipped to the loo,’ I say as though I need to remind her why I’m here, that I’m not a random person who has pushed herself into their lives.
‘I want to thank you, Maggie,’ Gilly begins.
‘Thank me?’ I ask, catching Jack’s eye from across the room. Something shifts inside, as I meet his eyes.
There is no point trying to deny how I feel about him any more, but being here, with him and his family, just reminds me how difficult it will be for us.
But this is how love should be, right?
I can’t keep ignoring the fact that I’m in love with Jack. I think I fell in love with him right from the moment he walked into Flicks.
And love… It’s not supposed to be easy. That’s what Riz said: that’s what love is, pain and joy and everything in between. But still…
‘Thank you for helping him find his way. Before he met you, he was closed off, barely came out of his flat. And now’ – she looks over at Jack – ‘I feel like I’ve got my son back.
He tells us you’re helping him find out more about what happened?
’ she encourages. I pause, wondering if he’s told them the real truth, but there hasn’t been any sign that they think I’m nuts.
‘Yes. I mean, I just listen… It seems to help him feel calm?’
‘Right, right. Well hopefully, with your help, we’ll finally find out why he was on Fleetwood Road in the first place, instead of heading towards home.’
Fleetwood Road? Something stirs in the back of my mind. The room tilts, like the moment we’d taken off from the runway. Fleetwood Road. Red hair.
She pastes a smile on her face as someone calls her name, distracted. My mind reeling as I repeat Fleetwood Road, red hair over and over. Gilly placing a hand on my arm jolts me back.
If only she was normal.
She’d be perfect for him.
But he can’t have the life he needs.
Not if they stay together.
Each thought lands with razor-sharp edges.
‘Anyway. I wanted you to know that we do appreciate everything you’re doing for him. It’s funny isn’t it, how life turns on its own axis. One stranger ruins his life, another saves it.’
I pull my arm back as discreetly as I can, my throat dry. ‘Oh fuck. Maggie, I’m sorry, I—’
‘It’s fine. I just… I need to…’
I begin walking into the house. She is calling my name but it’s swallowed by the noise of the party, my own doubts amplified by Gilly’s words screaming inside my head louder than any of the partygoers that I try to unsuccessfully avoid.
I hurry up to Charl’s room and sit down on the bed. I look to the photos on the wall, of Jack and Vicky, the engagement ring, the easy way she fits with the family. I can’t be with Jack, not in the way he needs.
We don’t fit in the real world.
We only fit outside of it.
And Jack is too wonderful, too kind, too alive, to be living a life hiding away in the shadows with me.
I reach for my phone scrolling through my camera roll, until I find the photo I’m looking for. Me and Luke, pre-breakup, but the same night.
I examine the photo.
At least now I can give Jack the answers he needs to move on with his life when I walk away.
Because around my neck, being tugged in the sea breeze, is my red scarf.
And that night, I was on Fleetwood Road.