4. Penelope
“Iwant you to have sex with me.” Even as the words are coming out of my mouth, I can’t believe I’m actually saying them. Since the day my parents sat me down and read the contents of my great-grandfather’s letter to me, I’ve had it drilled into me over and over again that I was not to have sex until my wedding night. Touching a man like that and letting him touch me has been the source of almost every single one of my nightmares for the last three and a half years, and yet here I am asking a man I don’t really like and who openly hates me if he’d be willing to take my virginity.
Despite all of the rules I’ve been forced to live by for the last few years, a part of me still romanticized the idea of waiting to have sex until I was married. I think in my head it seemed like a nice idea that I’d saved myself for my husband, and not because it was demanded of me, but because I wanted the person I married to be my person. The one man I’d protected my innocence for.
I know it’s a stupid notion. I know that my parents had planned to arrange the most advantageous marriage for me, and that love wouldn’t ever have anything to do with it. But asking Hawthorn to fuck me like this seems like it’s shattered the very last slither of hope I’d kept that I might find some happiness at the end of this hardship.
“What?” he cries, actually jerking back like I hit him, the shock and disgust obvious in his voice.
“You know the rules. If I want to inherit, I have to remain pure. If you…have sex with me, then I’m used goods, and I’ll forfeit the inheritance. I know you don’t like me, but as long as you can put your penis inside of me long enough to break my hymen, then this can all be over and done within a matter of minutes.” I’m trying to sound blasé, like this is absolutely no big deal, but I know I’m not fooling him. Even though this is the first time we’ve spent any time alone together, he seems to be able to easily see through the front I normally use as a shield.
Using my virginity to break the will is my last resort, but I’ll take cold, meaningless sex with Hawthorn over ever allowing Geoffrey Bancroft to touch me. My skin actually crawls when I think about my parents promising me to that man. His bisexuality doesn’t bother me, it’s the fact that he is a truly reprehensible person that repulses me.
I’m not as blindly obedient as my sister thinks I am. Like I said to Hawthorn, I’m not a victim. I’m every bit as much of a villain as my parents are. But stupidly, I never thought they’d try to give me away to someone that they knew would treat me badly. Not only is Geoffrey almost twice my age, but he’s been accused more than once of being inappropriate with both girls and boys. Each time, he’s paid off the families of his victims and then moved on like nothing happened. My parents sold me to an abusive predator, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that he never gets near me.
“Is this a joke?” Hawthorn demands, his voice firm and commanding.
“No, there’s nothing funny about any of this.”
“You want me to fuck you?”
Flinching at the coarse word, I close my eyes and suck in a slow, calming breath. “Yes.”
“Why?” he growls.
“Why?” I echo, unsure what he means.
“Why me? Davis offered to fuck you the other week, so why me?”
“Because…” I snap, then look away from his probing eyes.
“Princess, you better get those eyes back on mine. I’ve warned you twice about looking at me when you’re speaking to me, I won’t tell you again,” he snarls.
I don’t know why I comply, but I do, instantly looking at him, then immediately wishing I hadn’t. His face is granite, his lips set in a hard line, and his eyes tight as he watches me.
“I want a reason. Why me? Why not Davis or Kip, or hell, one of the minions who follow you around sniffing at your cunt even knowing they’re never going to get a taste?”
“Because…” I stop, not wanting to admit the truth.
“That’s not an answer, Penelope.”
“Because I’d rather it be with someone I’m at least attracted to,” I confess in a rush, my cheeks blooming with heat as embarrassment consumes me.
Hawthorn has been silent for so long that if I wasn’t staring at him, I’d think I was alone in the room. I’m grateful for the reprieve, but I hate that he made me confess that I’m attracted to him. Why couldn’t he just accept that I’d asked him and not dig any deeper?
His lips part, and before he says a word, I know he’s going to say no.
“This wouldn’t be a big deal,” I insist. “This is just about breaking the will. Don’t think of it as having sex with me, this is just a way of helping my sister get free of our parents.”
“Let’s say we have sex, and I take your virginity. What happens if your parents pay off the lawyers the way they have the teachers?” Hawthorn asks warily.
“That’s why we’d need to record it,” I whisper, completely incapable of looking him in the eye, no matter how much he might demand it of me.
“You want us to make a sex tape?” he questions cautiously, like he wants to make sure he’s asking slowly enough that we can both understand.
“No,” I say quickly. “Oh my god, no.”
“Penelope, if we record ourselves having sex, that’s a sex tape,” he says drolly.
“All the video would be is evidence. As soon as the lawyers confirm that I broke the clause by having sex, I’ll destroy it. I’m hoping my parents never considered bribing the lawyers and no one will ever have to see it, but I need a failsafe in case they figure out this is my next step. I know how messed up all of this is, but we can make sure that no one knows it’s you, that the only person that’s identifiable is me,” I tell him, trying to sound clinical and detached, and failing miserably because I don’t feel clinical or detached, I feel panic-stricken.
Unable to look at him and see the way I know he’s looking at me right now, I drop my chin and focus all of my attention on my hands in my lap. It feels wrong to slouch, but good posture doesn’t seem that important when I just asked a boy who openly hates me to have sex with me on video. Truthfully, I’m not sure if I’m more terrified that he’s going to agree to do this or that he’s going to say no and I’ll have to ask someone else. Davis did offer to have sex with me, but the thought of being with him just feels wrong—not that anything about this could ever feel right.
When I realized that losing my virginity was the only way to end everything and break my great-grandfather’s will, I knew it would have to be one of Gulliver and Izabella’s friends, because they’re the only people I know who would willingly go against my parents. I know that they all hate me, but Hawthorn is the only one who doesn’t look at me like I’m some pathetic little victim. He sees my evil, and he doesn’t try to pretend I’m something that I’m not. Knowing that he’s not sugarcoating my role in everything that’s happened to my sister helps, and if he says yes and we have sex, he won’t feel sorry for me after, because I refuse to be pitied when all of this is my own fault.
“Okay.”
“What?” I cry, snapping my head up to look at him.
“Yes, I’ll have sex with you, but I have some conditions,” Hawthorn says calmly, his voice so collected that it sounds more like he’s agreeing to lend me a pen, not help me lose my virginity.
“What kind of conditions?” I ask warily.
“I’ll agree to have sex with you, on camera, but I’m in charge. From start to finish, I’m in control, and you’ll do what I tell you to do when I tell you to do it.”
I nod eagerly. “That’s fine. I have no idea what I’m doing anyway,” I say a little too quickly, feeling a blush fill my cheeks.
A sly smile crosses his lips, and I wonder if I’ve said something wrong, but dismiss it when he starts to talk again.
“Are you on birth control?” he asks matter-of-factly.
“Yes, I have the implant,” I admit.
“Where? Let me see it,” he demands.
Pulling up the arm of my sleeve, I run my finger over the tiny scar and the raised lump that holds the implant.
“Good, then I’m not going to wear a condom. I’ve never taken a virgin before, and I want to feel it. I got tested recently, and I haven’t had sex with anyone since. I’m clean, and I’ve never had sex without protection before.”
“I’m clean too,” I say stupidly.
“I assumed you would be, but thank you for confirming it,” he says, a smile curling at the corners of his lips.
“Oh, well, I guess it’s obvious with the whole virgin thing,” I say, embarrassed. “Are those your only conditions? You want to be in charge and not have to wear a condom?”
“There’s just one more thing I think we both need to agree on.”
I’m not sure what he’s going to say, but I lift my chin and look at him, knowing how insistent he is on having my eyes on him when we’re talking. It feels like his gaze sees right into my blackened, evil soul, and I have to fight the urge to look away.
Instead of speaking, he waits until I’m practically itching with discomfort. “I want to make sure that you understand that this is a one-time-only thing. Taking someone’s virginity is usually a big deal, but that’s not what’s happening with us. I need to know that you know this is just sex. I don’t want to end up being called out for fucking you, then not calling.”
“I understand,” I scoff. “This is just about breaking the will. We’re not going to end up falling in love or anything stupid like that.”
It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to allow my voice to break. Because even though I’m the one who asked him to do this, it still hurts to know that my first time won’t be with my husband or someone I love. It’ll be with a man who hates me, because he’s under no illusion as to who I am. This is a business arrangement, a quid pro quo situation where we have sex so I can save myself from having to marry a monster, and he can help my sister with her quest to break the will and ruin our parents.
Narrowing his eyes, he looks at me, then nods. “Okay then. When do you want to do this?”
“Now,” I say decisively.
“Now?” he rasps, then clears his throat.
“The sooner we do this, the sooner I can break the will. It’s the engagement party tonight, and after everything that happened with my parents last night, I think it’d be prudent not to give them enough time to come up with any more crazy ideas. They started blowing up my phone the moment I left last night, and I think it’s safe to say that they’re probably losing their minds trying to track me down right now. I don’t have the luxury of waiting any longer.”
“You want to have sex for the first time, right now?” he asks incredulously, a smirk tugging at his lips.
“I want this to be over,” I reply, locking my gaze with his. “I just want this to be over.”
Exhaling, the smile falls from his lips, and he nods solemnly. “Okay. Stay here, and I’ll go to the store and buy a video camera; cell phones are too easy to hack.”
I nod in agreement, because I really hadn’t thought this far ahead.
“Do you want your sister here, for…after?” he asks awkwardly.
“God, no,” I gasp. “Izabella doesn’t need to know anything about this until the will is broken. You saw the note I left for her telling her you were helping me to break the will, but she never needs to know the details. No one ever needs to know.”
His stare is unblinking, his lips dipping down into a slight frown as he pulls his cell out of his pocket and turns it off, showing me the dark screen. “Agreed. No one ever needs to know,” he says coldly, standing and striding over to the door. “The master bedroom is the second door on the right, I want to find you in there waiting for me when I get back,” he orders as he steps out onto the deck and disappears from view.