Chapter 7
VII.
I did not venture every night, certain that if I tread upon their genial company so frequently, they may no longer tolerate me.
I had already been ejected and shunned from those I had once thought friends.
I did not think I could bear it if I somehow misstepped and alienated myself from an even finer group of people.
And yet, I could not keep away, desperate to have any conversation that kept my mind away from my own miseries.
I amused them too, not as I did with the tsarina and her courtiers, but with genuine fascination that I, someone they had only known from afar and by reputation, found their companionship pleasurable.
Most of them were not just literate but well-read, women included, and their philosophical debates bordered on the genius much the way their amusements for the tsarina bordered on the infantile.
Politics, perhaps unsurprisingly, always maintained a prominent position in their discussions, and although most of the time I just wrapped my arms around the padded costume and listened, occasionally they asked for my input as someone who had possessed intimate knowledge of the highest ranks of nobility.
My contributions, though less than insightful and painfully naive from my years of having to be unconcerned with most of the politics of Ilyichia, always received gratitude.
“The stones they throw down at us come from the pile upon which they sit,” Drook declared one night.
“It’s a never-ending supply of stones though,” a man grumbled.
“That’s a fantasy they’ve told themselves that’s completely unsustainable.
One day, they will topple, and it will all be because they were too stupid to see how they themselves undermined their positions.
What ultimate good or service does it offer to have a title?
Even the lowliest serf has greater value than the highest prince.
” Drook remembered himself and added in my direction, “Sorry, Kvasnik, but it’s true. ”
I opened my eyes and raised my hands, palms to him. “No offense taken. You may be half my size, but you are double my worth. I find myself privileged to be among the true intelligentsia of Ilyichia.” Trokei handed me a vodka and I downed it. “Do go on.”
“Don’t encourage him,” Agara complained to me. “We have to hear this every night. It’s fun to gripe occasionally, and I am as tired of the current situation as anyone, but every night? Who wants to play a game of cards?”
“I could do with some music,” one of the group suggested instead.
“A bawdy song?”
One of the men rose from the cushions to take his place on a harpsichord bench.
“Something we can dance to,” Klessa demanded as she rose from her cushion and stood in front of her husband. “Hush your lectures and work your legs as hard as your mouth.”
As others partnered up, I stood from my own cushion as everyone who anticipated participating in the dancing began moving furniture out of the way to make space at the end of the room. I stepped off to the side to watch, eager to resume a quiet position again.
“You have no partner,” Agara said beside me and then added with a smile in her voice, “and I just so happen to be free.”
I looked at the diminutive woman and admired her forthrightness. “There are many others here who would make a far better partner than I.”
“I’ve always wanted to dance with a prince.”
“I can make your introductions to one who still bears his titles.”
“I know everyone at court.” She held her hand out for me to take. “There are none as pretty as you.”
“If you’re sure,” I said, taking it, “then I would be delighted.”
“You are a little tall for my taste, but I won’t hold it against you.”
She led me over to the side of the makeshift dance floor, music already inspiring other couples to dance.
And not in the typically courtly way. The boldness of the moves, the proximity of the bodies, the liveliness of the music reminded me of Varnasian country dances, the ones I shared with Irena when we danced in the street to musicians playing for the coins of passersby or in private in the foyer of our rented house.
Great Holy, I missed her. And thank the Powers That Be that she couldn’t see what had become of me. Although she might have loved me anyway.
“None of your silly stately court dancing though,” Agara warned. “You’ll embarrass me if you do a minuet to a jig.”
“I would never,” I assured her. I let her hand go and then bowed slightly at the waist in her direction. “Might I have the honor of this dance?”
“Of course, Kvasnik. I thought you’d never ask.”
It was a novel experience. None of us dancers was usual.
The heights varied wildly between partners, the grace at an extreme between tumblers and storytellers, the shapes of us all so unlike any other that we simply made the best of it.
By the third dance, I was laughing along with the others at the energetic abandon of the activity and the depraved lyrics sung so sweetly by our accompanist. And nothing mattered.
Not Klessa’s hair or Agara’s height or my bulky costume.
We came as we were, and that was enough.
I ended up having to sit out a few dances due to my costume’s excessive warmth. I took a place on the settee where I could continue to watch as the others enjoyed themselves.
“Kvasnik.” Klessa, from behind the settee, offered me a plate heaped with delicacies from the dining table.
I took it and set it beside me. I gestured to the empty seat on the settee so that she might share the plate with me.
She disappeared for a moment and then returned, taking the offered seat. She downed a vodka and gave me another.
“It’s warm,” she warned.
“Still better than kvass.” I downed the vodka also, indifferent to the temperature.
We both watched the dancers, picking cheese and meats off the shared plate.
“You know that’s why the tsarina had to embarrass you, right?
” Kless asked half a dance in. At my confusion, she continued.
“There’s not a woman here who doesn’t want to dance with you.
I suspect it’s the same with your former set too.
” Klessa dabbed a napkin at the corner of her mouth elegantly.
“The tsarina could take away your name and your wealth, but that wouldn’t be enough, would it? ”
“I don’t understand,” I admitted. “It was enough. No one from my ‘former set’ wishes to associate with me now.”
“That’s because she had to make association with you as shameful and embarrassing as she could.
She couldn’t take away anything that made you who you are, so she had to hide you.
” I went to protest, but Klessa gestured with her chin towards Agara.
“I don’t want to hear it. Agara is one of the most cynical and hardest to win among us, and yet, you’ve won her over.
She blushes and titters like a child when you’re mentioned.
And maybe you didn’t notice it, but you flashed her a smile tonight while dancing, and she just gazed at you like a Kind and Fair Protector had come in the flesh to give her special attention.
While she adores her husband, I have never seen her like this.
” Klessa didn’t let me respond before she pointed to another woman on the other side of the room who sat the dance out too.
“Grigga has loudly sung your praises to all of us. She’s witnessed your insolent replies to the tsarina, and she’s confessed that while she admires your spirit, she has feared for your life many a time in how bold you are.
” Klessa leaned towards me conspiratorially.
“And that’s why the tsarina had to hide you, with costumes and with shame.
You have everything she wants and will never have.
And despite a beak and a costume, others can still see you shine. How she must hate you!”
I didn’t know how to feel about Klessa’s assessment. Flattered? Hopeless?
“I’m off to bed.” Klessa patted her lap and then stood. “Be a dear and tell my husband.”
“Of course.”
“And,” she added, “I’m not advocating that you do anything to put yourself in greater peril with the tsarina, but there’s nothing she can do about you taking ownership of who you are, even confined to the role you must play.”
I nodded, not certain that I should respond.
I wasn’t even certain what she was suggesting because, to my mind, I was only a pathetic former prince who was just managing to survive.
I wasn’t anything like what she said. All the epithets and praise while possessing my titles and fortune rang hollow, given simply because I was titled and wealthy, not because they were true.
Could Klessa be correct? Could finer attributes still be seen even without the glamorous conditions of my former status?
One too many vodkas later and only Drook remaining for company despite telling him of Klessa‘s departure, I had found a semi-less-uncomfortable position on an armchair, a pillow tucked behind my neck to ease and support the stiffness of the collar.
I stared up at the ceiling, thoughts whirling about my current circumstances.
I probably should have been more cautious about my intake, knowing how susceptible my forefathers had been to heavy drink, but did it matter? Did anything matter anymore?
The tsarina had always resented me. Even as lovers, it had never been anything but her satisfying her needs, and my relations shoving me in the back to regain her good opinion of the Karilitsyns.
And, foolish me, I hadn’t realized there was anything else but compliance and submission.
What would have happened if I had said no then?
Banishment, probably. Would that have been so bad?
But I had never considered that she just outright hated me. I had been careful never to give her reason to. But if so, at least now it was mutual.