Chapter 26
XXVI.
Alaina joined me in the anteroom shortly after her maid left.
Freshly powered, her dark braids wrapped about her head, and wearing a dress that could probably hide an entire herd of sheep beneath it without anyone the wiser, her expression did not convey the same careful attention as the rest of her.
She twisted her fan in her hands and kept fussing with the ribbon around her decolletage.
“I fear it will be a late night,” she said.
“What’s tonight?” I stood from my place by the fire and crossed over to her.
“Some musicians from the south.”
“Is that not to your liking?”
“It’s not that,” she said. “It should be a pleasant night, musically anyway.”
“Then?”
“It’s me. Everything feels tight or scratchy, or it doesn’t lay right.
I think I need new stays. I went through eight gowns, all of them just wrong for no real reason except that I didn’t feel good in them.
” She shot me a glance. “And don’t tell me that I’m fortunate to have eight gowns to try on.
I know I am. And that’s the problem. All these beautiful things, and I don’t look or feel beautiful in them. ”
I didn’t think Alaina expected me to compliment her.
It was the right cue for any interaction between a lady and a gentleman, but so many things would never have happened between us if she had been just any lady and I still a gentleman.
And however cutting our teasing could be, I would not do anything to worsen her anxieties.
“I suppose, for a human, you look beautiful,” I said, maintaining an air of study. “Some plumage and respectable wings, maybe I might actually think you so.”
“Alas.” She smiled, dropping her hands that worried at her ribbons. “We cannot all be firebirds like you, with spectacular plumage given to us naturally.”
I would never have called my plumage natural, but I couldn’t say that to her.
“What is it you do not like?” I gestured with a hand that she should turn around and let me see her from all sides.
“I don’t know.” She twirled obediently. “I feel too fussy and ruffled most of the time. Right now, I think I feel... underdressed? This gown hardly has any ornamentation compared to the others, but it’s the only one I didn’t want to tear off the moment I put it on. And is it the wrong color?”
The blue was darker than it probably should have been for her complexion, but the creamy trims kept it from being unstylish. She wore small jewelry and nothing in her hair. I understood her reasoning for feeling underdressed. No doubt every other lady would attend the event dripping in jewels.
I couldn’t offer her jewels or dresses or anything that I might once have been able to provide, but I should have been able to help somehow, even with just moral support. Maybe something for her hair?
“It’s a matter of plumage, as I said,” I decided at last. “You need more.”
“That is remarkably unhelpful. What do you propose I do, sprout feathers?”
“I have enough for both of us. I have been struggling to find a way to repay you for the gift of the robe.”
“You don’t need to repay me for that. That was freely given.”
“And so too will this be.” I stretched out a wing. “Take one of the golden feathers for your hair.”
“Won’t that hurt you?”
“I am allowed to make my own sacrifices. Please. I want you to have it.”
“If you’re sure.” She approached, watching me all the while as if I might change my mind. Her choice, designed to deliver the least amount of pain, was not of sufficient size for what I envisioned.
“Alaina, a little tuft isn’t going to do it. One of the larger ones.”
“I can’t.” She dropped her hands and looked at me, an admonishment resting in the furrow of her brows. “I won’t. I saw how losing feathers hurt you. I won’t be one of those who prefer a feather over your wellbeing.”
“You’re making this difficult.”
“And you’re making this impossible. Thank you. No.”
I stared her down for a long moment. Her refusal to back down decided me.
I reached to my wing, found the longest red-gold feather, and yanked it out.
The pain that shot through my back rivaled the initial agony of getting wings at all, and the spot doubtless bled a little, but there it was in my hand. Alaina’s feather.
I presented it to her.
“The final ornament for your hair.”
“Kaylay, I can’t. That hurt you.”
“So, ensure my hurt was not endured in vain and take it. Please.”
She stared at the feather I held between us and finally relented. She took it and twirled it around. Then she brushed it against her cheek, her eyes distant, a sweet, thoughtful look on her face. When she remembered I was still present, she stopped twirling it.
“I will treasure it always,” she assured me.
“I expect you to.” I took her by the shoulders and physically redirected her towards her bedroom door. “Now, go pin it in your hair with a brooch. After, you can help me with my robe.”
She stopped and looked at me over her shoulder. “Your robe?”
“What’s the use of having it if I cannot show it off a little?”
“You’re coming with me?”
“Of course, I am. You did not invite me, but I will forgive you for the oversight just this once. What better ornament than your very own firebird?”
She rewarded me with a brilliant smile and then dashed off to her bedroom to fix the feather in her hair.
The woman who came out of the bedroom the second time was not the same as the one who had come out the first. This Alaina laughed and grinned and teased as she helped me with the robe, the brilliant, gleaming feather tucked neatly in her braids and held with a small blue jewel.
“I didn’t think you would want to go,” she said when she finished fastening the clasps.
“I do not savor my time among others of court, but who would I be if I did not come to my lady’s aid in times of need?”
“Am I?” She blushed. “Your lady?”
“Naturally,” I said, downplaying the possible import of her words because I did not know how to grapple with that in my current situation. Especially since I had to ask a question I did not want to ask. “Will you be using the lead for me tonight?”
“I hadn’t thought about that.” The frowning discontent princess of earlier returned. “I don’t want to.”
“Should I stay a few respectable paces behind you then?”
“Ugh, I hate that too.” She nibbled her bottom lip. “Couldn’t you just, you know, escort me properly?”
“I could, but is that realistic for a creature who is not supposed to understand what is going on?”
“Mute doesn’t mean stupid or unintelligent.
Who’s to say that you haven’t been observing proper behavior?
I can direct you like I would a toddler, if I must: sit here, go there.
And maybe, you can make enough noise with your ankle bells tonight that the tsarina will finally let me take them off you too. ”
“Not likely. She likes it when I.... When she....” How could I relate that delicately? “She likes the noise during.... You know.”
“I hate them even more now.”
“I endure.” I did not wish to dwell on the sad reality of my time with the tsarina because I was with Alaina now, and I did not want the tsarina to taint our time together. I offered Alaina my arm instead. “Shall we?”
“Thank you, Kaylay.”
She took my arm and beamed up at me. And in her delight and joy and eagerness, I didn’t feel like the abomination the tsarina meant me to be. To my strange little princess, maybe I wasn’t a man, but I could still be her evening hero in feathers.
As Alaina predicted, the music offered a pleasant night’s entertainment.
Everything else, not so pleasant. Most gave us strange looks when we entered, her on my arm, my feather in her hair.
It took all my restraint not to fall into the manners I had been practicing my whole life.
I couldn’t guide her, seat her, or get her anything.
She guided us. She pointed me to a settee and settled the cushion at her feet.
I had to not stand for the tsarina when she entered, and the tsarina did not notice me until well into the entertainment.
In keeping with the role assigned to me, I hissed at one of the ladies who came too close to Alaina.
My feral incivility kept everyone away from us, beyond the occasional servant compelled to offer food and drink.
Alaina played her part too and petted me to ensure I behaved throughout the festivities.
The tsarina cast dagger-sharp glares in our direction once she noticed us, but I just looked at her wide-eyed and innocent.
How could I refuse the princess’ offer when I wasn’t supposed to speak?
A tantrum? Hardly. And if the tsarina interrogated me on our next encounter, I would tell her the truth of Alaina being good to me.
Nothing the tsarina saw would contradict what either of us would be telling her.
This was not a game anyone but the tsarina could win, and I hoped Alaina realized that by now.
We couldn’t play to win our freedom or our happiness.
We could play though to endure until something more effective at disrupting the tsarina’s odds stepped in, like illness.
And if we reassured the tsarina that she was winning, then we could also play to give ourselves moments of rest. A dangerous way to live, but we had no choice.
I might have even been more reckless with how I played, but I had to think of Alaina now.
While it didn’t matter what happened to me anymore, I refused to let her suffer because I did something rash. Befriending her was rash enough.