4. Travis
FOUR
TRAVIS
I downed my drink and then poured another before I fixed my gaze on the storm hammering against the metal building; the wind reminding me how badly built our little shed by the water was.
“I’m so cold,” Jasper mumbled.
“Drink. It will warm you up. I think there’s a blanket in here somewhere. Let me look.”
I searched through one of the cabinets that were filled with odds and ends that Jas and I had collected over the years. More reminders of our time here together. I chewed my bottom lip as I tried to stave off my emotions. I didn’t want to get into another disagreement. Especially as neither of us had anywhere to run off to.
My hand touched something soft, and I wiggled it out, giving it a shake before I held it up triumphantly just in time to see Jasper down a full glass of rum.
“Woah,” I cried. “You don’t drink very often. You’ll end up hammered.”
He shrugged. “Maybe I want to mix things up. I’m always so safe, so in control. Maybe it’s time to let loose.”
I chuckled. “Mid-life crisis?”
He flicked me the middle finger. “Are we here for the night, do you think?”
“Well, we can’t drive now, so it looks like it. We can sleep on the boat if the waves calm down a bit.”
His forehead wrinkled. “In that tiny bed.”
“Well, one of us can sleep out there and one take the sofa in here.”
He nodded, his shoulders relaxing as my suggestion seemed to allay his concerns. Jas was uptight. He always had been, but it had got worse recently and tonight... well, he seemed like he was about to snap.
And as if he was proving my point, he poured another huge glass and downed it, hiccupping and then slamming his hand over his mouth, giggling. It was a beautiful sound, but a sign that the professor was halfway to being pissed.
“Sit, and no more booze.”
He dipped his head, looking up at me and batting his eyelashes. “Spoilsport.”
I stepped closer and took the glass from his hand, placing it on the workbench and replacing it with the blanket. He gave me a grateful look before he wrapped it around his shoulders and I tried not to think about him being naked under the towel that sat dangerously low, showing off his chiseled abs and the V in his hips that made me imagine where it was pointing and what it would look like hard and leaking precum as he begged me to give him some relief.
“Trav.”
Jasper had moved to sit on the floor, just like he always did at home, claiming he liked the firmness, but I’d never quite believed him. I think he liked the position we always found ourselves in. I know I did. Although I wasn’t sure how much I’d enjoy it tonight, wearing just a towel with nowhere to hide my erection when I popped some wood, which I inevitably did.
Jasper looked at me expectantly. I picked up the bottle on the way past, taking a large gulp of rum as I walked. Jas tracked my movement, gnawing on his bottom lip as his eyes traced down my body like he wanted to devour me.
No, I was reading into it. He was just looking at me like a friend. That’s all this was.
The wind slammed into the building again, lightning forking across the sky just as the lights went off.
“Shit,” I muttered. “I’ll find a torch.”
“Don’t.” Jasper’s voice was husky and slid over me like velvet. “It’s nice. We can watch the storm. The lights won’t be off for long.” He tapped the sofa next to him.
Against my better judgement, I sat.
He held his hand up, making a pinching movement as he reached for the bottle.
I shook my head and put it down on the far side of me. “Nope, you’ve had enough. Come here.”
In a practiced move, Jas leant his head on my thigh, and I buried my fingers in his hair, raking my fingers over his scalp. I wasn’t sure when this started, but it was how we ended every night. He turned up for dinner, whether I’d invited him or not, then afterwards, he sat on the floor, and I played with his hair while we watched a movie.
He let out a contented hum as we both focused on the way the boat danced on the waves and the storm raged relentlessly. The darkness was nice, offering a new level of intimacy to our movements.
“This really is the most perfect place on Earth,” Jasper announced quietly.
“It’s pretty amazing.”
“Thank you,” he said.
“For?” I was curious.
“I wouldn’t have wanted to do this... the last few years without you.”
I knew it was the alcohol talking, however, I couldn’t help but revel in the sentiment.
“You’re welcome. It wouldn’t have been the same without you either.”
He shifted his position, making the towel slip and expose my thigh. My cock twitched as his breath danced across my flesh. I held in the groan, not wanting to make this weird. I didn’t think he had a clue what he was doing to me, but his proximity, knowing he was almost naked, the ticking time bomb that loudly counted down how long he had left here, none of these things were helping the arousal coursing through my body. Instead, I tightened my grip in his hair, tugging his head back.
“So, why are you leaving, Jas? The real reason. No more bullshit. I can’t take it.” My tone lacked the lightness it usually carried.
I released my hold on him, and I brushed the loose strands of his damp hair back from his face, using every shred of willpower I had to stop myself from leaning down and kissing him.
He closed his eyes. “I’m depressed.” My jaw went slack as I stared down at him, not expecting that answer in the slightest.
“I’m lonely and I have depression. That’s why I’m going home. I thought being somewhere familiar, with people who knew me better than anyone, would help. The new job—even though it’s not ideal—it gave me a way to go home without having to explain to my family what’s wrong.”
“You couldn’t just tell them?” I replied quietly, not sure if I should be asking questions or if he just wanted to get it off his chest.
“I can’t explain it. I’ve been speaking to a counsellor for three years, and I still can’t get to the bottom of it.”
I let my fingers trace down his neck and across his collarbone, not sure what I was doing, but unable to stop myself. Jasper didn’t stop me or open his eyes. Instead, he tilted his head, extending his throat, giving me more to touch. “It can just be a chemical imbalance.”
He licked his lips. “I know. And I tried the tablets, but nothing worked. And, well, it just feels like there is something wrong with me, but I can’t work out what.”
“Hey, look at me.” He sat up. “There is nothing wrong with you.”
He shrugged and placed his head back on my thigh. We sat in silence for a while as I continued to play with Jasper’s hair, giving him space to keep talking if he wanted to.
“Do you know I met Astrid Strickland once?”
“The rock star?” I had no idea where this was going.
“The one and only. Except she told me her name was Halle Whitaker. I had no clue who she was, but we were staying in the same hotel and had a ball for two weeks. She was so much fun.”
“Right.” I let the word out slowly.
“She came on to me. I thought I was interested. I mean, she’s a beautiful woman.” He let out the saddest sigh. “I told her I loved her after two weeks.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah, and then she ran in the middle of the night. So desperate to get away from me, she ran. A few months later, I followed her to London. She was playing this big gig, and I tried to get to see her, but her bodyguard wouldn’t let me anywhere near.” He picked at his fingernail. “I told myself that I chased her because I couldn’t stop thinking about her, but that wasn’t true.”
“No?”
“No. I was embarrassed.”
“If she didn’t see how amazing you were, then that’s her loss.” I hated that he didn’t see how anyone, even a famous rock star, would be lucky to have him.
“I couldn’t get hard.”
“W-what?” I spluttered, not expecting any of this to come from Jas. I mean, he’d never really dated since we’d lived out here, but I thought that was more because of how much we worked rather than because he didn’t want to.
“I told her I loved her because I couldn’t get hard. We’d kissed, she’d touched me, made it very obvious where she wanted to take things, and I couldn’t get hard. I told her I loved her to deflect. I was mortified about what happened. I chased her to London to try to explain and make sure she wouldn’t tell anyone that I was some broken freak who couldn’t get hard for a hot, famous singer.”
“Jas,” I whispered.
“Don’t be nice to me or tell me it’s normal. It’s not. I’m not. There’s something wrong with me, Travis.” His voice cracked. “And don’t tell me that it was a one-off because that’s not the worst of it.”
I was speechless.
Jasper sat up, pulled his knees to his chest, and wrapped his arms around his bent legs.
“The first time I had sex, I cried.” His hair hung forward, making him look afraid and vulnerable, as if I would judge him for his admission. I couldn’t resist turning towards him and tucking the strands behind his ear, loving how he sighed in response.
I tried to refocus back on what he’d been telling me. “But you’ve had sex and enjoyed it?”
He shook his head a tiny amount. “No. I’ve only done it a couple of times. There was the crying time that was over before it started, the next time I faked my orgasm as I couldn’t come, and then one time, I got so drunk I’m not sure what happened, and then there was Hallie... Astrid.”
My mouth fell open. I should have tried to hide it better, but I couldn’t. “Jas?—”
He didn’t let me speak. “Yeap, I know. I told you. I’m fucking broken. My therapist thinks I’m depressed because I fail to make meaningful relationships, as I’m scared of rejection.”
He yawned, and I glanced outside, noticing the rain easing. Jasper pushed himself onto the sofa and lay down, putting his head in my lap. “Sleepy,” he muttered.
I readjusted the blanket so it covered him.
“We have a meaningful relationship,” I reassured him.
He sighed, rolling on his back, his long legs hanging over the arm of the sofa. His eyes creased around the edges as he stared up at the ceiling in the lit-by-moon room. “You’re so easy to be around.”
My cheeks heated. “Maybe you’ve not met the right woman, or...” Was I really going to say the words that were sitting on the tip of my tongue?
“Or?”
I twisted my lips, trying to decide if I could vocalise what I was thinking.
“Maybe you’re not into women.”