16. Jasper
SIXTEEN
JASPER
I waited for the videocall to connect, sitting on the sofa in my hotel room, my laptop balanced on my knee. I’d messaged my therapist an SOS text on the way back and she’d agreed to speak to me, despite the late hour.
“Jasper,” she asked. “Is everything okay?” She pushed her glasses up her nose as she waited for me to reply.
I sucked in a breath and let the words free again.
“I’m gay. I think I’m gay.”
Her thin lips curled into a smile, and she tucked some grey hair that had broken free from her bun behind her ear. “Okay.”
“Okay? Okay? You don’t seem shocked. Why aren’t you shocked?”
She coughed as if she was hiding her laughter. “I mean, I’ve had my suspicions for a while.”
My mouth fell open, anger bubbling inside me. “If you ‘had your suspicions’—I did air quotes to emphasise my point—“why didn’t you tell me?”
Tilting her head, she gave me a look. “We’ve discussed this. It’s not my job to tell you how you feel. It’s my job to help you explore your feelings and come to your own conclusions. How would it have felt if I’d said that I thought your friendship with Jackson was, in fact, a gay awakening, and his leaving left you feeling vulnerable and confused? That you blamed yourself for his loss from your life; as if your feelings drove him away. That even now, years later, when you know he left because he had a cancer his dad didn’t want anyone to know about, you still blame yourself. Would you have liked it if I pointed out that your inability to form friendships is from a deep-seated fear that someone else important in your life will discover your secret and leave you too?”
Silence.
“Jasper, there is a reason that we’ve not got anywhere with your therapy, but you continue to show up to our sessions, week after week. You wouldn’t or couldn’t face your past. I can’t force you to look deeper or try harder. You had to do that, and this… well, this is you finding your own way there.”
“I’m gay,” I whispered. “I’m gay and I was in love with my best friend.”
“I know.”
“He left.” Tears broke free, pain cracking me open, leaving me raw and vulnerable. “And I was so scared it was because he knew what I’d been thinking. He was so disgusted by me that he moved away.”
She gave me a pointed look. “But that wasn’t true, was it?”
I shook my head. “I think I was scared to come home because it would all come out. He showed back up in my life, and I unconsciously ran to the other side of the world for five years. But now I’m back, I have to tell him… God, my mum will hate me. They’re married, for fuck’s sake. I mean, how messed up is that?”
“Do you still have feelings for him?”
I recoiled. “Ew, no.”
She chuckled. “Well, then, you don’t have to tell him, and even if you do, your feelings are in the past. No one can make you feel bad for things you felt as a teenager.”
“I guess,” I muttered, picking at my nails as we chatted.
“Can I ask, what do you think caused this revelation tonight? Because I have to be honest and tell you that your feelings have been buried deep.”
“I watched my PA dance.” I sighed, thinking about Finn moving on stage. “He was stunning. And I’ve been having feelings for Travis… you know, who I worked with before I came back.”
“So, there are two people.” I opened my mouth to defend what I’d said and explain away my comments, but she held up her hand. “No judgement, Jasper. You’ve repressed your feelings for a long time. It’s okay to want to explore them.”
“You think?” I asked, sounding terrified.
She smiled wide, giving me a nod. “I think it is. So, what comes next for this new chapter of your life? One where you get to be the real you.”
Nervous laughter bubbled from my chest. “I have no idea.”