17. Jasper
SEVENTEEN
JASPER
I stared out of the window, wondering what I was doing. I was fully aware how many boundaries I was overstepping simply by being here—let alone the ones I crossed when I ran my PA a bath or carried him to it—but I couldn’t face being alone, and he needed someone to take care of him.
I could do that, couldn’t I?
As a friend.
A knock on the door drew my attention, and I walked across the large, plush space to answer it.
“Room service,” the man announced as he pushed in a tray. “Where would you like it?”
I looked around the room. The movie was on pause and my trainers sat, discarded on the floor in front of the sofa, where I’d kicked them off earlier.
“Movie night?” he asked with a smile.
“Something like that.”
“Can I make a suggestion?” He pointed at the large footstool. “These fit perfectly here.” He moved it against the sofa and then took a second from where it was tucked against the wall and added that to the set up, so it transformed the L-shaped sectional into a huge daybed. “Blankets are in the cupboard at the back. Shall I set up on the side here?” He pointed to the dresser.
“Perfect. Thank you.”
* * *
I was dishing up when Finn appeared from the bathroom wearing nothing but a short, silk black robe that barely covered his arse.
“Did I hear the door? Let me put some clothes on. I won’t be a second.”
“Don’t,” I barked, taking us both by surprise, but my eyes were fixed on his toned legs, and I suddenly hated the idea that I wouldn’t be able to see them. “I mean, not on my account. I’ve crashed your evening. You should be comfortable, so don’t get dressed on my account.” His pale skin had a beautiful sheen to it from the heat of the bath, and his hair was damp and pushed back from his face.
“What would you wear… if I wasn’t here?”
He looked down at himself and then said, “This and maybe some underwear, but?—”
“Wear what you feel comfortable in, please. And hurry up because I ordered pizza, mac and cheese, burgers, and your milkshake.”
His face lit up, and he clapped his hands together, moving a little easier as he walked to the bedroom, coming out minutes later still wearing the robe.
“Underwear,” he explained. “Now I don’t feel like I’m about to flash you. Right, where’s that food?”
* * *
“How have you never seen this?” I asked, pointing at the screen as Molly Ringwald talked to the drunk bride in Sixteen Candles. “It’s a classic.”
“From the olden days, maybe.” Finn laughed, putting his plate on the side of the sofa. He then shuffled down, turning on his side, and pushed his hands under his cheek. “I like this layout,” he mumbled, sounding sleepy.
“You’re going to miss the best bit,” I joked.
“I’m listening. I might just close my eyes.”
“I should go.” I stretched out one leg from beneath the blanket we were under, but Finn reached for me, putting his hand against my forearm.
“Don’t. It’s still early.”
“It’s after midnight.”
“Party pooper. We need to finish the film at least.”
I tutted. “Fine. There isn’t long left.”
“You could sleep over.” He chuckled.
“Watch the film.”
I might have told him to watch the film, but I wasn’t paying it any attention. I mean, I’d seen it a hundred times, but that wasn’t why. No, all I could concentrate on was how close Finn was and how he seemed to be edging closer, and I didn’t even think he’d noticed.
“Did you have a nice evening tonight? How was dinner? Actually, how can you be as in shape as you are if you’ve eaten two dinners?”
“I didn’t eat,” I said, focusing on my fingers that were wrapped together in my lap. “I left early.”
“Why? God, was my dancing that bad?” His eyes locked on mine, but he was smiling because he knew how talented he was.
I didn’t reply, raising my eyebrow.
“Did something happen?” he asked, sounding more concerned.
I huffed out a laugh. “You could say that.”
He leant up on his elbow, giving me a stern look. “Professor, don’t make me force it out of you.”
“Fine. I think I’m…” I paused. “Actually, no, there’s no thinking about it. I know I am. Had a bit of an epiphany tonight.” I lay back against the pillows, looking upwards, as words continued to spill from my lips. “Well, I think you caused it. Well, actually, I think it started in Ecuador. I… there was a moment, with Travis. And I freaked out and ran back to the UK. I didn’t say goodbye. He won’t talk to me. He hates me. Don’t think he’ll ever forgive me. And then tonight, you were dancing. But I didn’t know it was you. And I was staring. Couldn’t take my eyes off you. And I was feeling… God, I was feeling… and then, after you’d finished, Jax… Jackson… my mum’s husband came over and put his arm around me, and it was like a dam broke. It all came rushing back. How I used to feel about him. I think I pushed it down. Denied it all these years. But you. Travis… I had no idea, but now… it all makes sense. How unhappy I’ve been. How crap I am in relationships. I’ve been denying it. Not hiding it, because I had no idea. None. No memory of ever feeling that way, but now. It’s like I’m seeing clearly for the first time in my life. But I’m scared and I have no idea what I’m doing. I mean, none. At all.” I sucked in a deep breath, my head feeling a little light from offloading. I turned my head to find Finn staring at me like I’d lost my mind.
“Professor, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I think you need to spell it out for me. Nice and slowly.”
“I just told you.”
He rolled his eyes. “No, I think you just told me everything but the point of your story. You realised what? Denied what? I made you do what?”
“You made me realise… well, you were a part of why I realised.”
“Realised what?” His frustration was clear. “I’m still not clear what you’re getting at.” He paused, and his tone softened. “Sorry, it’s been a day, and my brain appears to have gone to sleep before my body.”
I ran my tongue over my teeth because he was right. I was saying it all, but the actual word I needed to say to make the rest of it make sense.
“Gay.”
Finn sat up like he’d been catapulted, spinning to face me, the force of his movement making his robe come loose, exposing his chest. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I’m gay.”
“Gay?”
“Gay,” I whispered because this was the first time I’d really admitted it to someone in my life. “I’m Jasper Fischer, and I’m gay. I think I realised I was gay when I was fifteen, when I fell for my best friend, but he moved suddenly, and I somehow blamed myself, pushed down my feelings, and tried to force myself to like women. Which I don’t, by the way, I didn’t. I mean, I hated it so much that when I tried it, I cried. And, well, tonight, I realised that I’m gay.”
I let out a massive sigh, but then my relief at saying it out loud turned to panic. I sat up too, wondering if Finn was about to throw me out. “Sorry, this was a massive overshare.”
He reached forward and took my hand. “Totally knew my gaydar wasn’t faulty.”
We stared at each other for a second before we both burst out laughing.
“Congratulations on knowing I was gay before I did.”
“Do I win a prize?” He winked.
“Some new Post-it notes.”
“You know the way to my heart, Professor.” He let go of my hand and clapped, flopping back against the pillows, giving me another look at his hairless chest and his dark red nipples that were puckered from the cool air.
He sat up again, staring at me wide eyed. “Wait,” he gasped. “Rewind a little. You were watching me dance, and you felt something… that’s what you said, right?”
I threw off the covers, suddenly feeling too hot for my own skin. I did say that, didn’t I?
“No. You misheard. I mean, your dancing was beautiful. Stunning.”
He leant closer, poking me in the ribs. “You thought I was hot, Professor,” he teased, his voice sing-songing playfully. “Oh, my gosh. I was part of your gay awakening.” He clasped his hands in front of his heart. “How dreamy.”
I shook my head, laughing. I liked that he was making light of the whole thing. It was nice. He lay back against the pillows, rearranging his robe, covering himself up.
“Don’t worry, Professor. I’ll keep an eye on you while you find your baby-gay feet.”
I turned my attention back to the movie, trying not to notice how disappointed I felt that he didn’t seem to have any interest in me.