Tovah 14.
“Why am I here?” Moshe glares at me from across the conference table at the Goldman Girl’s Realty offices.
“Witness.”
I smirk at Seril. “Honey, the Kosher Nostra ain’t keen on witnesses…for anything.” I lick my lips and look her up and down. “Though, I can’t say I mind being watched now and then.” Moshe growls angrily and it delights me, but not more than Seril’s blush.
“Fuckin’ hell, Tovah. Stop using your demonic x-ray vision to look at my wife’s tits…through my son’s body!” Moshe puts his hands over his wife and son. Seril gasps and clutches Shon tighter to her, admittedly, decent rack. They’ve grown with pregnancy and breast-feeding and I won’t lie and say they aren’t nice.
Rolling my eyes at my cousin, I glance at Blanche seated at the head of the table. My pussy clenches at the sight of her in a position of power. She’s fucking delicious like crème
br?lée, but best in moderation. She winks at me as the doors open.
“Kinky kitten,” I greet Ruthie, smirking when her entire face blushes bright red. “How’s Zeppo treating you and your kitty?”
“Her kitty is none of your fucking business, Tovahbub.” I love riling up my cousins, especially Ezra and Zeppo. It’s my own punishment for Zeppo waiting too long to claim Ruthie. I fucked Dottie, Ezra’s woman and Blanche’s sister, before she and Ezra met. I’ve fucked Blanche too. Tried my hand at the other two sisters, but they weren’t interested. No hard feelings. Sex is sex. But sex with Ezra’s sisters-in-law would irritate him for years and that makes me all tingly.
“Why don’t we begin,” Blanche states calmly, drawing our attention. She opens one of the folders in front of her, retrieving several pieces of paper and passing them to Moshe. He and Seril quickly read them over, nod, and sign. Blanche then gives them to Ruth and Zeppo.
“What’s this?” Ruth looks at her brother and sister-in-law, then down at the papers. A few seconds later, she gasps dramatically, her hands coming to her mouth, tears instantly falling down her full cheeks. “Seril—”
Seril stops her with her free hand raised. “I would love to take credit for this, but it was Moshe’s idea. And I don’t think he’s ever had a better one.”
“Marrying you.” Moshe and Seril share a look. My stomach flips, like it usually does when the couples I’m surrounded by do romantic couple-like things. Seril cups his face, kisses him sweetly, then looks back at Ruth as she switches Shon to the other shoulder.
“Moshe,” Ruth begins in a quiet voice. “I’ve forgiven you. You don’t have to—”
“Ruth, this isn’t about that.”
“Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on that I’m supposed to be witnessing?”
Zeppo, overcome with emotion of his own, clears his throat and answers me. “Moshe and Seril have appointed Ruth and I guardians of Shon and any future children in the event of their deaths.”
“And you’re all verklempt because of it? Do you not want the crotch goblins?”
“TOVAH!” I think the windows actually rattled. I don’t know if that’s a record, but 5 people screeching my name at once is certainly up there. Even Blanche is staring at me in shock. I wink, like she did earlier.
“Of course, I’ll take care of Shon…and any others. I just don’t understand…why?” Sweet, naive Ruth. She has no idea who she is to all of us.
“Ruth, Zeppo, I can never atone for what I did, my actions, the events I set in motion. But that’s not what this is about.” Moshe rubs Shon’s back, then kisses the side of his head. “You will protect his heart, Ruth. You will nurture him, nourish his soul, teach him compassion, trust, and humility. And Zeppo will protect you both. He will stand between you and anyone who seeks to harm you.”
“With my life,” Zeppo vows.
“This seems like a no-brainer. If I ever had the misfortune to reproduce, you can bet I wouldn’t need to die…I’d just give them to Ruth as soon as my vag expelled the cock snot boogers.”
“Moving on.” Blanche shakes her head at me, sliding a pen in front of Ruth and Zeppo. “Do you consent to guardianship of the Holofcener minors in the event of Moshe and Seril’s untimely deaths?”
“I love you, Mosh.” Ruth wipes under her eyes, her lips stretching into a smile. “Seril. I’m so happy that he found you.” Ruth’s eyes fall on her sleeping nephew. I think of my little man. Arlo’s been home for almost a week. Tevye was a different man. I have never seen him so...emotionally involved. “I am,” she snuggles into Zeppo’s side, “ we are honored. But…um…don’t die, ok? Like not for many, many decades.”
“We’ll do our best.” Moshe promises solemnly. Give him credit, he’s not laughing at his sister’s absurd request. We’re part of the mafia…our average life expectancy ain’t exactly long.
Everyone signs, including me as witness. Business concluded, we stand, but Blanche stops us, “Ruth, Zeppo, and Tovah, stay seated.” My eyebrows crease in confusion, but I smooth them out and sit back down.
“Is there more to sign?” Ruth asks excitedly. “I love paperwork!”
I cough in my fist, “Nerd.”
“Subtle.” Zeppo glares.
“Oh, hush, Tov, I’ve seen you sniff new notebooks.”
I stare down Ruth, but she doesn’t cower. Good girl. “Touche.”
Moshe kisses the top of Ruth’s head in passing, Seril patting her shoulder, then the three of them are gone. Less than a minute later, my dear brother and Arlo come in. I snicker but otherwise remain quiet as Ruth peppers Tevye with questions.
“Are you done?” he asks impatiently, once she’s exhausted herself.
“I guess,” she shrugs; her lips pursed in a pout.
Blanche produces another folder, with similar papers.
“Really?” Ruth asks, “What about Tovah?” I appreciate her concern, but I’m good. I’ll do whatever it takes to give Arlo, Shon, or any other kids in the Kosher Nostra a happy, safe life. But I don’t want them full time. That sounds…loud, and gross, and a hindrance to loud spontaneous sex.
“Are you seriously wondering why I, of sound mind and body, would choose you, the heart of the Kosher Nostra, over the living embodiment of ‘your mama should have swallowed’?”
“You say the nicest things, ‘dad should have nutted in a rag’.”
Ruth glances between my brother and I. “Right. Sorry. Stupid question.”
“Ruth.” Tevye swallows hard, avoids eye contact with anyone, and wrings his hands in his lap.
“Tevye. Are you nervous?” Ruth taps Zeppo’s thigh. “Where’s my emotion chart?”
“I don’t need it, Ruth.” Tevye reassures her. “I… am… grateful… tohaveyouinmylife.” Dropping my head, my shoulders shake, but for the benefit of my brother, I keep my laughter silent. “Should something happen to me and…my future wife,” Ruth squeals and claps her hands, “I will rest easier in Gehinnom knowing Arlo is with you and Zeppo.”
“Hey, uh, it’s nice that you and Moshe trust us with your offspring and all, but kids are expensive,” Zeppo points out. “And I’m trying my damndest to have some offspring of our own…day and night.”
“Fuck off,” Tevye replies with a chuckle.
“Tovah, both Moshe and Tevye have named you trustee. They felt that you were the most qualified—”
“You ain’t afraid to tell anyone no. Or make people wait for what they want.”
I blink rapidly, overcome with emotion for a moment. “ Thank you .” Tevye dips his chin in acknowledgement.
“Do you need the emotion emoji chart?”
I smile obnoxiously at Ruth. “No.”
Much like before, papers are signed, details explained, copies given out. The room empties, leaving Blanche and I. Sidling up next to her at the head of the table, I lean my hip against the table. My foot on her chair, I force it to turn until her legs are bracketed between mine. She looks up at me, fire and amusement. Trailing my hand across her jaw, I pinch her chin between my fingers. “Wanna seal the deal with a fuck?”
“I believe your signature already accomplished that.”
“True.” With my other hand, I grip the back of her head and force her to arch her neck. She hisses, her eyes dilating, lips parted. “But my way’s more fun.”
“My place?” I’m already shaking my head; she knows the score.
“Mine. I’ll meet you there in half an hour.” Releasing her head, my hands drop to her legs. Under her skirt, I brush my knuckle along her seam, smirking when I feel the moist heat of her pussy. Hooking my finger in the gusset, I pull her thong down and off her legs. “See you soon.” I open my purse, drop her panties inside and stroll on out of Goldman Girls Realty.