Chapter 21
LIV
The day of the next game, I’m feeling on edge.
I’ve been surrounded with love and support ever since that night with Angel and the viral videos.
It turns out that a whole lot of people related to what I went through back in school, and there are ugly ducklings like me piping up all over the internet saying they wished they could confront their bullies too.
It’s kind of nice, but also a little heartbreaking. How can so many people have suffered through school? How can so many people have hurt them?
Hailey and I stayed on at her parents’ place even though Tessa headed back to the apartment to hold down the fort. We’re baking so many cupcakes that it’s just been easier with the equipment at the Morgans’ place.
I think I’d be walking on air if I weren’t still missing Caleb and Daisy so much.
Caleb is still calling and messaging my phone, at least according to Hailey, who on my instruction isn’t reading or listening to any of it.
But I can’t stop thinking about the look on his face. That was his automatic, visceral reaction to knowing what I used to look like and who I used to be.
Who I am.
And I deserve someone who can accept all the versions of me.
But I am going to do something to help him today. Just because I can’t be his girlfriend doesn’t mean I don’t wish him well. And I definitely want the moon and stars for Daisy.
So I’m going to show up for Caleb Stone one last time, for the sake of his career.
His agent, Travis, called Hailey yesterday, and she relented and put him on speaker so I could hear him out.
“Caleb would like to call you out onto the ice after the game, Liv,” Travis explained. “If you’ll allow it, he would like to apologize to you publicly. And I’m going to be honest with you, I think it could help his career.”
“Blast his career, and the horse it rode in on,” Hailey yelled before I could even answer.
“Not sure if it makes a difference to you, but if his career gets back on track, it could mean he goes back to Philadelphia for good,” Travis said quietly.
Even Hailey couldn’t argue with how much easier life will be for me if Caleb wasn’t in Bluevale anymore. Although the idea of never seeing him and Daisy again hurts like a knife in my chest.
Anyway, I agreed. So Caleb is going to call me out on the ice after the game to apologize for his role in what I went through in high school. And I’m going to go out there and accept it gracefully.
In spite of everything, I do hope for Caleb’s sake as well as mine that Travis can spin the apology well enough to get Caleb on his way back to Philly.
If that happens, I’ll go back to hearing his name come up during hockey season, but I won’t have to worry I’ll run into him every time I’m in town. Then I can move back into Hall House and it will go back to being my sanctuary.
As mad as I am at Caleb for not actually managing to evolve since high school, I want what’s best for him because that’s what’s best for Daisy. And Daisy deserves the world.
I finger the macaroni bracelet I still wear every day as I think about going out on the ice in front of all those people.
Hailey and I manage to get to the arena and fully stock up the stand without Caleb showing up, which I consider a blessing.
Even though we made almost double the number of cupcakes, today we sell out even faster than the first time. And the fans are really sweet to me. I hadn’t realized I was steeling myself to hear my old nickname until we’re sold out and it hits me that not one person said it.
It’s also not until the last cupcake is gone that I realize how nervous I was that people were only buying my stuff because of my association with the big hockey star. But I think we really do have a viable business here. Cupcakes make people happy, and they can tell that mine are made with love.
Hailey and I clean up slowly and carefully, and I’m grateful that she’s picking up on my vibe. I don’t want to go to my seat down by the penalty box.
The truth is though, that I’m secretly enjoying the game from here, just watching on the big screen. The Stallions are doing well, which is a big deal, since the Albany Flying Dutchmen are the defending champions. Caleb seems especially focused today.
I heard whispers that the razor guy is back to watch him again, so I guess passing the puck and giving Rivers the glory didn’t kill his chances like his dad thought it would.
And just like that I’m thinking about Caleb again. Ugh.
“You okay?” Hailey asks. “You don’t actually have to do it, you know?”
“I know,” I tell her. “I’m doing it for myself, to get him out of here. And for Daisy.”
“I know,” she says. “You’re a saint, Liv.”
But I’m not a saint. I wish I could kick and scream and set the world on fire. I’d rebuild it a whole lot kinder and more accepting than the one we’re stuck with.
“Want me to sneak down there with you?” she asks. “Honestly, I wish you’d come up to the family box with me.”
“No, thanks,” I tell her. “I’m okay on my own, and I definitely don’t want to be up there today.”
“I guess it’s better to keep you close to the ice,” she allows. “So you can get out there and get it all over with quickly.”
I nod, trying to imagine how I’m actually going to do that.
A few minutes later, there’s nothing left to even pretend to clean, and I’m making my way to my seat. A couple of people seem to recognize me, but I try not to engage. I just nod and smile and keep moving.
The game is still going well for the Stallions. They’re ahead by a point and I think they’re about to win.
Once I get settled, I’m surprised to find myself cheering with everyone else right away. There’s something about the shared energy in this arena that makes it fun to be part of the game, even sitting alone like I am. And now that I know all the chants and songs, it feels good to join in.
I can tell the moment Caleb notices me in my seat. His eyes flick over and he practically does a double take.
He must have been checking my seat throughout the game.
I watch him pass the puck to Van and then fall back to defend his guys.
But a moment later, he shoves another guy against the boards for no reason I can imagine. The next thing I know, he’s skating my way, and I realize what just happened.
He just sent himself to the penalty box on purpose so he can see me.
With a possible corporate sponsor watching him.
I focus my eyes on the ice, willing myself not to turn to him.
But when I inevitably do, his big form is angled toward me and his bright blue eyes are filled with regret.
He gives me a look so intense, it’s like he’s trying to communicate with me telepathically.
I tell myself he’s probably just begging me not to tank his career when he calls me out there. But the tug on my heart is almost unbearable, and it’s all I can do to stay in my seat.
Why am I so weak?
When they call him back out, he touches the plexiglass between us with his gloved hand before shooting out of the box.
The game goes on, but now I feel like I’m watching it from a distance.
My eyes keep trailing up to the family box where Daisy watches her father play from her grandmother’s lap.
I wish she were in my lap right now. I miss the way time slowed down when I shared it with her.
Seeing the world through a child’s eyes is such a special thing, and Daisy is my favorite kid in the world.
At last, the game ends with the Stallions up by two. A decisive win like that against the champs is huge for them, and the crowd is going wild.
I’m caught up in the excitement, but my heart really starts to race when I picture going down there in front of all those people.
Thankfully, I don’t have long to wait.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer says as soon as the thunderous cheers begin to break. “Number fifty-eight, Caleb Stone, has something he would like to say.”
My feet carry me down toward the ice, and it feels like I’m just along for the ride.
A couple of the guys from the team are there waiting for me, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised when they lift me onto the bench, but it’s so weird to be flying through the air.
I hear half the arena let out a girly squeal, like I’m in a Madonna video. But they can’t smell how sweaty these guys are, or hear them whispering things to me that I don’t want to hear, like that Caleb is sorry and he cares about me a lot.
They deposit me carefully onto a bit of carpet that’s been put down on the ice to keep me from sliding around like a loose puck.
How did I not even think about that until now?
It’s a respectful distance from Caleb, which I appreciate.
I’m willing to hear him out so he can move on.
But that doesn’t mean I want to be close enough to fall under the spell of his blue eyes.
As things are, I feel my resolve to not meet those eyes slipping. He’s taken off his helmet and he looks so gorgeous with his dark hair damp with sweat. In spite of myself, I’m transported back to that day in the stairwell when he told me he wanted me to be his real girlfriend.
“Liv,” he says into the mic they’ve given him, his deep voice echoing slightly. “I’m ashamed of so many things in my life. There are things I’ve done and failed to do that keep me up plenty of nights. But none feel as bad as knowing I was complicit in causing you pain.”
Complicit in causing you pain?
Sounds like something a publicist wrote.
But my job here is to gracefully accept, and so I nod my head, keeping the expression on my face serious and hoping it’s over.
“I’m ashamed every time I think about my behavior in high school,” he continues.
“And I guess that’s why I don’t think about it much.
I wanted to forget about who I was, and the easy cruelty that was part of my day-to-day life.
It’s probably why I didn’t recognize you when we bumped into each other again this year. ”
I don’t like thinking about high school either, so I guess we have that in common.