Chapter Twenty-Two
Sterling
It had been a miserable fucking day.
“Sterling. One of the big cable news networks is looking for an anchor to take over a spot. Are you interested?”
I told Charles to send me the info because I was too busy to talk.
A half-truth because all day, throughout meetings and running the script before the six and ten p.m. broadcasts, the only thing I could think of was Denis propositioning Rip to have sex with him and another man.
I cringed at the thought, my entire body rebelling that this was the same man who claimed I held his heart.
Was that where his seduction of me was leading?
It was hard to reconcile that person with the sensual man whispering sweet words in my ear as he made love to me.
He’d said he loved me, and in doing so, had woken me up from sleepwalking through life.
I was so close to giving away a part of me I’d never known existed, but I was no damn Sleeping Beauty waiting for a kiss from Prince Charming, no matter how much he’d made me care.
And goddammit, I did.
So when I saw Denis waiting for me in my lobby, I had to restrain myself from flinging my arms around him and letting him take me upstairs, where I knew one kiss from him would make me tumble into another night of bliss.
But I hadn’t lived this long on my wits to be dazzled by a beautiful face or seduced by a smile and a big dick.
And Denis wisely kept quiet and stood in the center of my living room, waiting for me to speak first.
“I talked to Adrian today.”
Eyes wary and face pinched with concern, he nodded. “All right. And?”
I ran a hand through my hair, undid my tie, and tossed my jacket onto the back of the chair by the kitchen island. “He revealed something…troubling.”
“About me?”
“Yes.”
“Will you tell me so I can defend what I supposedly did, or have you already made me a condemned man?”
“Let’s sit.” I walked to my giant sectional and sat. Denis trailed after me and sat at the opposite end, far away from me, intuiting how upset I was.
“Dites-moi.” He clasped his hands.
“I don’t want you to be upset with Adrian. What he said was out of concern for me as his friend.”
“Funny. Here I thought he and I were friends as well.” He waved his hand. “Don’t worry. I understand. I am the outsider in the threesome of your friendship with him and Rip. Continue.”
“Before you and I…got together, I understood you had a history. Not only with Rip, but with many other men. I put that aside because I believed you when you said you’d changed and were satisfied and wanted only me.”
“And so? You’re still the only man I want to be with.”
“For how long?” The words tasted bitter on my tongue, and I watched his confusion war with anger on his face.
“What did Adrian say?” he asked, voice calm but tense. “Obviously it’s something bad about me.”
“No, not bad. But…he told me of a time when he and Rip were dating and you went to Rip and—”
“Asked him for a threesome.” Red spots burned high on Denis’s cheeks, and he bowed his head. “Not my finest moment, I will agree.”
“So it’s true.” A sour taste rose in my throat.
“Will you allow me to explain or condemn me outright?”
I undid the cuffs of my shirt and a few buttons down the front so I could breathe. “Go ahead.”
I might not have known Denis very long, but he was not a man to be at a loss for words or fumble what he had to say.
Yet he sat chewing the inside of his cheek, hesitant, and it made me second-guess my fear and ugly thoughts.
He wasn’t brushing me off with sarcasm and trite jokes, nor did he get defensive and snappish.
So I kept my mind and heart open and listened.
“That afternoon when I spoke to Rip, I wasn’t in a good place. I knew that Gordie and I had rushed our engagement and it wasn’t right, but I didn’t want to admit it. There I was, again, in another failed relationship. Plus”—he ducked his head—“I was jealous.”
“Jealous? Of what?”
“The two of them. Rip and Adrian were so stupid in love and perfect for each other. It came so easily to Rip after he and I broke up.”
“Because of your cheating.”
“I never denied that,” he said quietly. “It was a mistake.”
“Another one. So that’s two when it comes to Rip.” My lips twisted in an ugly excuse for a smile. “Are you sure you’re just not over him? That you’re not still in love with him?”
“That would only be possible if I was ever in love with him. Which I wasn’t. And I’m not. We tried to make it work, but we were too different, and I wasn’t ready to be with one person then. I had something to prove.”
“To whom?”
“Myself, the fans…who knows?”
“I’d like to,” I urged. “Talk to me.”
“I was young and living in New York City all by myself. Rip was gorgeous, a little older, the captain…I wanted him. I’ll never deny our sexual attraction, but it was really all we had in common.
When that burned out pretty quickly, neither of us wanted to be the first to walk away from such a public relationship. So I decided to be the bad guy.”
All this still didn’t address my main concern. “I’m aware of your past relationship. I knew from the start you weren’t a saint. But the threesome?”
“Je suis donc bien épai.” He rested his head in his hand.
“I should’ve known my stupidity would eventually return to haunt me.
Listen. I can be that fool, you know? I had to try to build up my silly ego.
I saw how happy Rip was with Adrian, and my life with Gordie was turning to shit because I’d made the same mistake with him that I did with Rip.
I was flailing, lashing out, trying to hurt the world.
Deep down I knew Rip would say no, throw me out, punch me in the face… pick one.”
“I’d have done all three,” I answered.
“I know. And he would’ve had every right to. And once I came to know Adrian better, I apologized for what I did. That’s why I’m hurt he brought it up to you. I thought we’d moved past it. He’s got his happiness. Why is he trying to destroy mine?”
“He’s concerned you might be playing me.”
“Playing you? For what reason?” He huffed. “I don’t need to tie myself into knots to get a man into my bed.”
I winced, both at his bluntness and the truthfulness of his statement. “Maybe for that very reason. It was no secret we didn’t like each other very much when we first met. Maybe you saw me as a challenge.”
“Mais oui.” The edge of laughter in his voice had me biting back my own smile. “You were and still are my greatest challenge. But not because of what you think, mon cher.”
My heart rate picked up. “Really? You know what I’m thinking?”
“I know what people want you to think. That it’s all about sex for me.”
“With good reason.”
His eyes glittered. “Dammit. Can people not fucking change?” he swore.
“I’m a human being who’s made mistakes. I’ve apologized and regretted them all.
And guess what? I’ll probably make more mistakes in the future.
Am I the only one who’s supposed to be infallible?
Does that mean I’m never to have any peace? That I’m not to be trusted ever again?”
“I understand, but it’s hard for people to—”
“I don’t give a damn what other people think,” he shouted and smacked his thigh.
“They’re always going to color it with their own opinions or see what they want to see.
I care about you. Your thoughts. Only yours.
Because you’re the one who matters to me.
Not some random person who doesn’t know shit about who I am, aside from what they’re reading or hearing on the news.
That’s only an image on the screen or in the papers. ”
Hearing his passionate explanation broke down the walls I’d built around my heart.
I didn’t want to lose Denis at the expense of something that had happened years earlier, before I’d even known who he was.
My stomach took a dive. “I’m sorry. I should’ve waited to talk to you before forming an opinion.
I was wrong not to trust you, and I hope you can forgive me.
I don’t ever want to hurt you like that again. ”
“And now?” he asked quietly. “Do you trust me?”
“With everything I have.”
The man I once was wouldn’t have even listened to Denis’s explanation. That Sterling would have dismissed him outright. I was so glad not to be that cold, locked-up man any longer, and I owed it all to Denis pushing me to accept that I deserved love. And that my love was worth giving.
“Then we’re good, and I’m happy.”
We sat quietly for a while after that. I could only see the outline of his profile in the gloom, but somehow the darkness was fitting, neither of us willing to reveal our faces or discuss hard truths. Maybe it was time to let the light shine in.
“I need you to know, I understand image. It’s what shaped my life and created a person who’s learned not to trust. My own mother, while saving my physical life, did nothing for my emotional well-being.
She chose to reject me and motherhood to become a superstar based on the fake persona of a young, virginal girl.
But along the way somewhere, somehow, she could’ve stood up to them.
For me. Her son. She could’ve gained sympathy for what she’d endured and acknowledged me.
But she didn’t.” Horrified, I heard my voice wobble and catch.
I drew in a deep breath to continue, but Denis left his seat to wrap his arms around my shaking shoulders.
“Shh, it’s okay, mon c?ur, mon amour. Tout ira bien.”
“No, but I’ve learned to be strong and live with it.”