Chapter 12
Rose
Carter: Please give me a call when you can, just so I know you’re alive X
Carter: Let me know when you can meet me and I can explain X
Carter: I saw a copy of that book you lent me when we first met – The Final Year. Do you remember it? X
Carter: Fallon accosted me today. She doesn’t look great. Is she looking after herself? X
Ihadn’t responded to any of them. I’d taken note of what he’d said about Fallon, which concurred with what I’d noticed.
She’d gone to bed really early f when we were in Stratford and had fallen asleep in the car on the way back.
Fallon was brave and strong and fierce and the person who made me do the thing I was too scared to do, but I’d seen her vulnerable.
Once, in our early twenties, she’d had an episode with her heart, passing out on the floor in my student accommodation.
It had been just after two in the morning and no one else was about.
I hadn’t panicked, managing to keep a clear head and go into operational mode, phoning nine nine nine and following what the caller had said to do.
She’d not let me tell anyone about it, apart from Carter.
He’d been in Edinburgh at the time, but he’d come home the following weekend and slept on my floor, just being around which had always made me happy, and he met with Fallon.
I’d no idea what they’d talked about, neither of them had ever said.
I’d gone over the night he slept on the floor, a mattress made out of cushions and pillows and bean bags.
My bed had only been a single, and I’d offered to sleep tops and tails, but I didn’t want his feet in my face because I did have some standards, although my latest boyfriend had made that questionable.
It had been strange, lying in bed, awake and not able to sleep, hearing Carter stirring on the mound of stuffed polyester.
The room felt even smaller than it was, and my body felt too hot and awake, no position comfy.
It would’ve been strange if he’d been in bed with me, and my head spent a lot of time thinking about it, how it would be with him lying next to me, his skin close to mine.
“I can hear you thinking.” His words had broken the night.
“As long as you can’t hear exactly what I’m thinking.”
“Why?” He’d paused. “Is it about me?”
I’d let silence fill the gap. I couldn’t lie, but if I’d said yes, what would’ve happened?
“Rose, are you thinking about me?” I’d heard him turn over.
“Maybe.” It wasn’t the strongest of answers. “What were you thinking about?”
“You.” He didn’t miss a beat.
“Why are you thinking about me?”
“Because. I do think about you sometimes.”
“Oh.”
“Have you finished with that boyfriend yet?”
“No. Not yet.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I knew Carter wasn’t keen on him but Carter wasn’t the one going out with him.
He sighed, irritated. I heard him turn over again and nothing else was said.
Carter hadn’t been seeing anyone at the time. It was about nine months before he did his first stint in America, and a couple of weeks after he’d stayed over, he’d applied for the post.
Now I wondered if there was more to that night, all the things we didn’t say under that cloak of darkness in a small dorm room when I was doing my masters.
Me: I’m okay. I’m keeping an eye on Fallon. She’s been tired.
I didn’t put a kiss, my one act of rebellion. I also didn’t respond to his request to speak. That cloak of darkness could stay silent for a little longer.
“So I told him that another date wasn’t on the cards.
” Erin bit into a slice of avocado on toast, made by me, without chilli flakes because they were two years out of date and tasted like cardboard.
I really needed to go through my cupboards and have a clear out because at the moment there was a risk I could poison any guests.
“He really said that he was looking for a wife who’d give up work?
” I didn’t know why I was surprised. I’d been on enough dodgy dates to have heard most things, including comments about my weight, hair colour and why I should only wear contact lenses because my glasses made me look like a librarian, which I actually liked.
“Amongst other classics, like did I agree that I should vote for the party he was, because he would be the one to know best.” She made a growl of frustration.
“Why is it so hard to find a decent bloke to have dinner with? I’m not looking for a husband or someone to finance my shopping habit, just a man with a good sense of humour, ideas that aren’t downloaded from the manosphere, and half a clue where the clitoris is located. ”
“You’re asking for a bit much.”
“Yeah. It seems.” She looked at my phone which was vibrating on the table. “Are you going to answer that?”
Carter’s name and photo were flashing up on the screen. This was the first time he’d called me for a few days. He’d followed up each unanswered call with a text, nothing heavy, just hoping I was okay and could we speak soon. I’d left them all on read.
“No. Not yet.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not ready to hear what he has to say because I know I’m not going to like it.”
“Fallon doesn’t think he’s in a relationship with Laurie.” Erin scooped up a slither of avocado from her plate.
“Fallon is not God and she doesn’t know everything.”
“But she’s actually spoken to him and you’ve not. This bread’s nice, what is it?”
“Sourdough from the deli round the corner. She was wearing his hoodie.” That was my sticking point right now.
“Have you never worn Carter’s hoodie – or my hoodie. You wore my favourite retro My Little Pony hoodie and never gave it back actually. I’d forgotten about that. Do you want another tea?” Erin stood up and took our plates over to the dishwasher.
“No, but I’ll have an orange juice. There’s a jug of freshly squeezed stuff in the fridge.” I tried to remember wearing Carter’s hoodie and came up with a succession of memories when I’d borrowed his clothes, including when I was thirteen and he’d soaked me in a water fight in his garden.
“The hoodie doesn’t mean anything. I’m starting to feel sorry for him. I think you need to give him the chance to talk to you.” She wasn’t letting this go. “And stop avoiding him. Harriet said you’ve changed where you’re getting lunch so you’ve got no chance of bumping into him.”
I had done that. My favourite sandwich shop was just round the corner from my hospital and I’d gone there almost every shift since I’d started working there, if I’d managed to get a break.
If there was an emergency, the team knew where to find me.
Even patients knew where to find me. Carter definitely did.
So I’d changed my routine and visited a little café that was new and just as nice and hid in there instead.
Self-preservation. Whatever Carter had to say wasn’t going to be good and I didn’t want to hear what it was in public.
Nor did I want to see him unexpectedly because there was every chance that I’d want a reenactment of that kiss.
“I will speak to him.” I was getting to the point where I felt prepared for whatever he had to say.
“You know this has all been about power?”
I turned my head to stare at her. “What do you mean?”
“You’re the psychologist, so it should be you telling me.” She sat back down, plonking glasses of orange juice in front of both of us.
“No, you go ahead. Practice your amateur head shrinking skills.” I gave her my most faux-encouraging smile.
“You’ve liked Carter for years. We all know that. I mean, we all had crushes on him because he was a teenage dream, but none of us would have ever tried it on, even Fallon.”
“Why not?”
“Because he was yours. You two had this special bond because of the house and you knew him first, and he was never the same with us as he was with you. He felt a bit big brotherish or even friends-of-my-girlfriend kind of connection. But that’s not my point.
He has information that you don’t; so you see him as having power.
For the first time in forever, you’re both single, so you have more at risk, but him having this information – that he’s been trying to give you – is stopping you from predicting what’s going to happen, and that’s what you always need to be able to do to feel secure.
” Erin sat back and folded her arms. “I don’t think I’m far off. ”
I thought for a moment, not reacting to her gloating.
“I don’t think you are, but there’s more than one thing at stake.
He knows something that I don’t, so yes he has power, but I think it’s more than the fallout of whatever that is that’s bothering me and has done since he moved back and that is that we’re both single.
There’s no reason for us not to. We’re not kids anymore, I’m not seeing anyone -there’s whatever this thing is with Laurie.
” I looked out of the window at the view over the Thames and wondered if I’d ever live somewhere I couldn’t see this on a regular basis, which I might have to do if I couldn’t manage seeing Carter every day or week or whatever.
“That’s why you’re the psychologist.”
“That wasn’t psychology. That was just me trying to put my big girl pants on.” I took a drink of the orange juice. “I’ll call Carter later.”
“Good. About time. And aren’t you at the bookshop opening on Saturday?” Erin downed the rest of her drink.
“I am. Which might be weird.”
“Maybe. Well, yes, it will, but when would a bookshop opening not be? Harriet’s library opening in Stratford will be even weirder. Do you think we’ll be invited?”
“Won’t you be writing an article about it for your magazine?
It would fit, wouldn’t it?” Erin wrote for a high-end cultural magazine that covered interiors, fashion and culture.
She loved her job almost as much as Harriet did, which contrasted nicely with me and Fallon moaning about how underfunded the NHS was.