Chapter 18 Carter
Carter
Getting Rose to agree to go out with me on something that could resemble a date was about as easy as plaiting fog. She was wary, probably about more than the Laurie situation, and I expected she’d be hot and cold, because she’d be unsure.
I was anything but unsure. I’d felt a lot more than what was involved with just friends for some time, right back to when we kissed on Clapham Common.
Every woman I’d dated had never felt like permanence, there hadn’t been anyone I’d wanted to talk to more than Rose or share things with.
One of them had even commented that I’d drop everything I was doing if Rose ever phoned, and I realised at that point that it would be difficult to ever move on from her.
We were both on shift. I’d spotted her this morning, talking to a nurse in the atrium of the hospital, but I’d been dashing off because I’d just been paged, which tied me up for the next two hours.
I saw her six hours later in the canteen, poking at a paper cup with a wooden stick and looking disgusted.
“This is getting worse.” She poked it some more while I sat down opposite her.
“The tea or the excuses you’re making for keeping away from me?”
She gave me exactly the same glare she’d given me when I was fifteen and returned her copy of To Kill a Mockingbird dog eared and with a cracked spine. I’d ended up buying her a cloth bound edition for Christmas two years later because she’d never let it drop.
“The tea and I’m not making excuses. I’m keeping my distance until the wedding’s over.” Rose kept her voice low. “I don’t want something to spoil your plans.”
“I don’t see how it can. Laurie’s brother married his wife while having an affair with the woman who’s still his mistress.
It’s like something out of the aristocracy two hundred years ago.
” I could understand why Laurie wanted out of the toxicity of family, which was another reason I was still going through with the favour.
“Jesus.” She shook her head. “I thought my family was unhinged sometimes.”
“Your family is ace. Your gran called the other evening.”
“Oh lord, she didn’t try and flirt with you again, did she? She doesn’t mean to flirt, she just does it because she knows it makes everyone else grit their teeth.”
“She didn’t flirt – she only ever did that when there was someone to see.
No, she was checking in on how I was, which was kind.
” It’d been good to see Marie. She’d been welcoming when I first moved to London after living in America for five years, being the grandparent I was missing.
I wondered what she’d say if she had any idea that what I felt about her granddaughter wasn’t always just friendly.
“Why have you spent the last two days actively avoiding me?”
She squeezed the teabag with the wooden stick against the paper wall of the cup with more force than I thought the cup could take. “I didn’t want to make things feel unprofessional.”
“Rose, we work in a hospital.” I didn’t need to say anymore because it wasn’t exactly hidden that people had flings with each other that would sometimes develop into something more serious. High pressure environments were great at pushing people together.
“True.” She finally looked up at me. “What if it’s not great between us?”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You know.” She blushed.
“I don’t know.” I had an idea but I was enjoying this.
“You do know. What if we’re incompatible like – that.”
“Like what, Rose? You’re going to have spell it out for me.” I somehow managed to keep my face straight.
She rested her chin on her hand, elbow on the questionably clean table. “You know what I mean.”
“I really don’t. How might we be incompatible?”
“In bed.”
“Why, do you snore?” I really was poking the bear now.
“Carter.” Her tone was warning. “What if we’re meant to just be friends?”
“Then we go back to just being friends.” I wasn’t sure that could actually happen. “Do you find me attractive?”
She stared at me like I was from outer space. “Yes. You know I do.”
“Do I?”
“I’ve kissed you. I don’t kiss men I don’t find attractive.”
“Really? What about Colin Matthews when you were in sixth form?” I’d wanted to beat him up afterwards, but contented myself with the knowledge Rose had felt sick after kissing him.
He had tried bragging about what else she’d let him do a few days later, so I did hit him and offered a few hints about what would happen if he said anything like that about her or any other girl again. She didn’t know about that.
“Peer pressure.”
“So you do kiss men you’re not attracted to?” I sat back, lightly tapping the table. “Are you not attracted to me then?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions, Carter.”
“It isn’t a stupid question. You’ve raised a concern that you think we might not be compatible in bed, and you don’t mean snoring.
You’ve told me that you have kissed men you’re not attracted to, so now I’m taking that to mean you’re not attracted to me.
” This was the most fun I’d had for a couple of days.
“You know I don’t not find you attractive.”
“That’s really terrible grammar. I’m surprised, coming from you.”
“You’re being really irritating.”
“I wonder why.”
She kicked me under the table, catching my shin. “That actually hurt.”
“I’d apologise, but I’m not sorry. You’re dismissing my concerns, so I’m now wondering whether you’re also worried that we might lack steam in the bedroom, mainly because you clearly lack confidence in that area.” She straightened her back and shifted into mock psychologist mode.
I’d seen this before.
“Really? What evidence do you have to say I lack confidence?” I was trying to exude confidence right now, although it was catching up with me, the fact that Rose and I had never talked about sex like this.
There had been conversations, chats about a boyfriend she’d been seeing, or her getting vague details about an encounter on my side, but never any real details. Some teasing, which maybe had been flirting, but nothing at this level.
Rose had been stunning as long as I’d known her, dark red hair, tall and pretty when she was younger.
Now she had curves, ones that my hands had checked out thoroughly, and she wasn’t just pretty anymore.
I’d had thoughts about her like that since I was twenty, and I thought about her at times when I figured I shouldn’t.
She was my friend, the person I always sought out when I had news, however good or bad.
She was the first person I wanted to tell when I found something out, so did that mean I couldn’t think about what it’d be like if she was in my bed.
My head went there in the middle of the staff canteen.
“You, you – I don’t have any. Maybe it’s me, and I lack confidence.” She gestured wildly with her hands.
“I have enough for both of us.” There was no bragging in my tone. I’d studied the human body both through textbooks and practically, in a multitude of situations. I’d never had any complaints and there had been requests for repeat encounters.
“But this will be different.”
“How?”
“Because it’s me and we’ve known each other for nearly two decades.
All of those things you have to do to get to know someone, we can skip.
I already know you snore, I know you’re scared of spiders – irrationally so – and that you passed your driving test on the third time.
Don’t you think that will make it different?
” She looked worried. “I even know how you lost your virginity.”
I couldn’t help but find it funny.
“Stop laughing, Carter, I’m being serious.”
“I know. That’s why I’m laughing. Rose, being friends for so long isn’t going to be a bad thing, at least I don’t see how. I know all your bad habits already and it hasn’t made me find you repulsive.”
“You’re being too convincing.” She sipped at the tea and pulled a face.
“Are you going out for Anne-Marie’s birthday tonight?” It was almost a whole hospital event. Unless you were working or had childcare commitments, you attended Anne-Marie’s birthday. Not going was punishable by something, although no one was sure what.
Anne-Marie was in her sixties and worked on the main hospital reception.
She’d apparently been there since before the invention of penicillin, so she would tell anyone who listened, although that would make her in her seventies at least. So I suspected hyperbole.
Every few weeks she threatened to retire, and when her boss’ boss didn’t try to persuade her otherwise, she threatened to beat the Guinness World Record for the NHS’ longest serving employee.
Her retirement party would one day close the hospital, of that I was sure.
This year she’d rented out the Working Men’s Club round the corner, and the day had seen numerous deliveries of alcohol; beer, whisky, gin, a few mixers and a palette of diet coke, and a truck that looked like it’d been recently involved in an armed robbery.
The night would end with at least one person being admitted with alcohol poisoning, and probably the results of a fight, as well as a dozen new legends that would torment the big wigs at the top of the food chain.
“That was a change of topic.” She eyed me suspiciously. “I said I’d go for a couple of hours. Are you?”
“Yep. I’ve not been to an Anne-Marie party for five years, so I wouldn’t be allowed to miss this one. Let’s make it a date.”
“We’re meant to be keeping things quiet until after the annulment.” She practically whispered the words.
“A secret date.”
That made her laugh. “What’s a secret date?”
“I’ll show you later. I’m just worried that if you get all in your head now about what we could be like, you’ll get cold feet.”
Rose blinked at me a few times like a cat.
“You’re right. But I don’t know what a secret date is, so I can’t go on one.” Her expression was blank, meaning she was confused.
“How long do you have left before your next appointment?”