Chapter 9
Joseph cleared his throat, an unsettling sensation of delight rushing through him which he fought to contain.
He had not meant to overhear Lord Sutherland and Lady Grangemouth, and most certainly had not meant to intervene, but he moved before he could think.
Upon hearing Lady Grangemouth’s voice, he had turned instinctively, perhaps inwardly eager to avoid the lady and to move away from her, but had then caught sight of Lady Florence.
There had been such an expression of fear on her face, he had been quite unable to look away.
When her eyes had rounded, staring directly at the older gentleman ahead of her, Joseph had found himself moving forward without truly thinking about what he was doing.
When Lord Sutherland had said something about the waltz, Joseph had spoken up at once and without hesitation.
It had come as a surprise even to him that he had spoken so, but there was a sense of contentment now that he had her on his arm.
He glanced down at Lady Florence, feeling the tightness of her hand on his arm.
With a tug of his lips to one side, Joseph looked away, concern rising in his mind.
Mayhap he had overstepped. After all, he was the gentleman who had lied about the incident between them, all so that he might save his own reputation in front of the other members of the ton.
Clearing his throat gruffly, he looked at her again. “I can understand, Lady Florence, if your desire to dance with me is completely absent. No doubt you may find yourself a little irritated at my offer, but – ”
“I am grateful.”
The haste in her interruption made Joseph’s shoulders drop just a little in relief. She was not irritated or upset with him, then… at least, not any more so than she had already been.
Lady Florence glanced at him and then continued, sounding a little breathless. “You saved me from a great trial. I presume that you realized the difficulty I was in and chose, for whatever reason, to come to my aid.”
A brief smile touched his lips. He could answer her with a response that would buoy him a little in her estimation, or he could be entirely honest. Given the mistakes he had made previously, Joseph thought it best to be truthful about his intentions.
“Initially, I recognized your mother’s voice, and it was that which caught my attention.
When I looked, I saw you, your mother, and that gentleman. ”
“Lord Sutherland.” Lady Florence shivered and closed her eyes briefly. “He is acquainted with my parents. I did not know him until this moment.”
“I see.” Joseph bit his lip, then frowned.
“It was not my intention to speak as I did, Lady Florence. There was something in me that desired to take you from Lord Sutherland for the waltz. I know what the waltz would signify and what the ton might think and, truthfully, I saw your face and… well, I felt myself a trifle concerned.”
Lady Florence blinked quickly but said nothing.
Joseph tried to smile but it felt a little forced. “Mayhap I was just satisfying my own conscience by coming to your aid, Lady Florence. I know that I did not act well when your mother came to speak with me. I should have told the truth instead of defending myself with lies.”
“I thank you, Lord Applegate.” Lady Florence’s voice remained quiet. “That is good of you to say.”
“Dancing with you will not make up for what I did,” Joseph said, slowly, choosing his words carefully.
“I am well aware of that, but I should like you to know that my apology is genuine. I do recognize that I was quite wrong. I am sorry for the pain and the distress that my untruths must have caused you.” All the words he said were honestly meant, if not said with difficulty.
He was not in the least bit inclined towards apology, and yet the desire to be so towards her had been strong indeed.
He could not look at her for some moments, the silence between them causing him a good deal of strain and tension.
“Might I ask you something, Lord Applegate?”
Joseph nodded, hearing the hesitation in her voice. “Of course.”
“Why did you refuse to tell my mother the truth? Why did you feel this need to defend yourself, as you have just said? It is truly so terrible to admit to something that was only an accident?”
With a grimace, Joseph nodded. “To my mind, yes. It would have been greatly frustrating to me to have the ton think poorly of me.”
“Why? It was a mishap and not something that you did purposefully.”
Trying to find an explanation, Joseph took a few moments to respond.
“What you may not know about me, Lady Florence, is that I have particularly high standards for those I see around me. Society has expectations of both gentlemen and ladies, and I myself believe that we ought to be a sticklers for such demands.”
She glanced up at him and then turned her gaze away. “You would expect yourself to be the very best of gentlemen, then, given that you have such standards.”
“Indeed.” A little surprised at how quickly she understood him, as well as the fact that she spoke without judgment, Joseph cleared his throat and kept his eyes away from her.
He had not expected to be so honest, but the more they spoke, the easier his words became.
“Therefore, even the slightest inkling that I am not as I ought to be was more than a little difficult. It seemed easier, given the number of gentlemen and ladies listening to the conversation, to speak a lie instead of being truthful. That was wrong of me, I quite understand, but those were my reasons for doing so.”
When she said nothing, Joseph glanced at her again, feeling his heart twist with a fresh wave of guilt. There was sadness in her face, her eyes downcast, and her brow furrowed. Her shoulders were a little rounded also, and, as he considered her response to his honesty, Joseph realized something.
Just as Lord Sutherland and Lady Grangemouth had not shown any interest in what Lady Florence herself wanted or even what she thought about dancing with the gentleman, he had not shown her consideration either.
When he had lied to Lady Grangemouth, the only thing he had considered was his own standing.
He had not thought about her, had not thought about the impact his lies would have upon her.
Instead, he had pushed himself to the fore, had put himself as the most important and had chosen not to even think about her for more than a moment.
I cannot even imagine what that must feel like.
“I am sorry.” With a heaviness in his frame, Joseph shook his head and let his lips tug to one side.
Feeling her gaze upon him again, he glanced at her and then offered a wry smile.
“In speaking to you as I have done, I realize now that the impact of my lie was far greater than I first considered. You were not in the least bit considered. I wanted only to think about myself, and therefore, that is what I did. That should not have been, Lady Florence. I should not have been as inconsiderate. It might have had a far greater effect than I ever thought.”
Lady Florence took in a deep breath, then released it. Her eyes slid up towards his, and once their gazes met, they held them for a few moments.
“I do not think that anyone, save from my cousin, has ever shown such understanding,” she said, quietly so that Joseph was forced to strain to hear her over the noise from the other guests. “I am very grateful for that, Lord Applegate, truly.”
Joseph did not know what to say. Her remarks did not make his chest puff out with pride and nor did he feel any sort of gladness over her appreciation.
Instead, he felt only sadness that she had never experienced such understanding before and, with that, his sense of failure increased all the more.
It was the first time in many a year that he had felt such a thing and, as she looked away, Joseph’s heart ripped.
The festive Season was meant to be a very pleasant time indeed, was meant to have nothing but laughter and happiness and enjoyment but clearly, Lady Florence had very few happinesses at present.
He did not want to even mention Lord Sutherland but it was clear in his mind that the only reason Lord Sutherland had expressed an interest in the lady was because he was thinking of matrimony.
He could not imagine what Lady Florence was feeling, knowing that her mother would be contented with such a gentleman as her husband.
The more he thought of it, the more he felt a heavy weight in his heart, a weight that he himself did not want to hold but it lingered all the same: a weight that came solely from his sympathy and compassion for Lady Florence.
“I do not think I have danced the waltz with anyone other than my dancing master, Lord Applegate,” Lady Florence said, catching his attention and pulling him out of his own thoughts. “I must apologize to you in advance for standing on your toes, which is, I fear, quite inevitable.”
This made Joseph smile. “I am certain you will be quite all right, Lady Florence. The waltz, I am sure, will be quite delightful indeed.”