Chapter 12
Lord Applegate’s ball was not something that Florence wanted to attend, but there had been no thought of saying such a thing to her mother. Now, on the way to his townhouse in the carriage, Florence felt her heart sink low.
When he had offered to sing with her, she had been so overcome, it had been almost impossible to speak, such had been her joy.
How greatly he had risen in her estimation!
How well she now thought of him! And yet, once the moment was over and the music was at an end, she had heard him speak such sorrowful things, her heart had quite broken over it.
There is a friendship there, but nothing more.
It was ridiculous of her to believe that there might have been something more than just a mere acquaintance between them, but she had not been able to help her heart.
It had pulled towards Lord Applegate with an ever-increasing strength, finding herself almost desperate to put her arms around him and have him hold her close, such had been her relief and her joy in what he had done in saving her.
She had found her thoughts returning, over and over again, to the brief kiss they had shared under the mistletoe bough, both confused and a little embarrassed that she should be so caught up in that moment, but she had not turned from it.
Now, however, she would have to. It was clear that Lord Applegate saw her as only an acquaintance, and she, for her part, would have to do all she could to release the feelings that held her heart so captive.
“I would have thought Lord Cheswick might have come to find you, after your performance at the soiree.” Lady Grangemouth’s words were short and clipped. “He suggested you go to play a parlor game together, did he not? What did you do to turn him away?”
Florence looked out of the window and tried to steady herself. Did her mother truly think Lord Cheswick a suitable gentleman for her? “Mother, Lord Cheswick spoke most inappropriately to me. I would not have gone to join him in a parlor game, even if he had requested it.”
Lady Grangemouth sniffed. “I think you would be able to return him to a good sort of fellow, Florence. All you need to do is give him opportunity and – ”
“Lord Cheswick is not at all suitable, however.”
Florence’s eyebrows lifted as her father spoke up, interrupting his wife.
“Nor is Lord Spenway. I would have thought you would have understood that any gentleman connected to our family must be upstanding, else our family name could become quite tainted.”
This made Florence more than a little astonished, hearing her mother’s swift snatch of breath as her husband berated her – albeit, in a gentle manner.
“The Marquess of Applegate, however,” Florence’s father continued, glancing at Florence and then looking back to his wife, “might be someone worth considering.”
Florence closed her eyes and inwardly wished for the darkness to swallow her up. She might well understand why her father would consider Lord Applegate in such a way, but she did not have any hope for herself, not any longer.
“Lord Applegate?” Lady Grangemouth snorted aloud.
“He was only showing Florence a kindness. Do you not know of his reputation, husband? He is a gentleman with very high standards indeed, a gentleman who is always critical of those around him and who will think poorly of any mistake. There is certainly no consideration in my mind when it comes to that particular gentleman, not when there are so many genteel, entirely proper young ladies for him to think of!”
If the darkness had not swallowed her up before this moment, Florence wished it would do so now.
To hear just how poorly she was held in her mother’s estimation caused Florence great pain, to the point that she could not breathe.
Her hand went to her heart to make sure it was still beating, suddenly desperate to be entirely alone so she might dissolve into tears.
Tears that were the result of her mother’s disapproval of her, but also because of her sincere lack of hope when it came to Lord Applegate.
“I think you a little too harsh, my dear.” Lord Grangemouth spoke in a quiet voice but with great weight in his words. “I shall hear no more of it, if you please.”
Whilst this came as something of a relief to Florence, the agony in her heart remained. It lingered on, growing even more painful as she made her way into the townhouse.
The agony turned to dread as she realized she would soon have to meet Lord Applegate at the receiving line. Her stomach knotted, threatening to cast up her accounts if she did not get a hold of herself.
Florence looked down at the floor as they began to approach. Her mother was whispering something to her, but she did not give it any attention, too distracted by what was to come. Her hands tied together as she waited for the Marquess to see her, her heart beginning to pound.
“Florence, do stand up straight.”
Her mother poked her in the side much too hard, and Florence let out a shriek that bounced off the walls and all around the hallway.
Covering her mouth – although it was much too late – Florence dropped her head and studiously stared at the ground, horrified by what she had just done.
Someone tittered behind her, and her face grew hot with shame, her mother exclaiming wildly at her.
I cannot do this.
“Lord and Lady Grangemouth, good evening.” The Marquess of Applegate bowed and, as Florence dropped into a curtsy, smiled at her. “Are you quite all right, Lady Florence? I do hope you will still be able to dance?”
“Yes. I am quite well.” Knowing it was the height of rudeness but caring nothing for it, Florence bobbed another quick curtsy and turned away, hurrying towards the ballroom.
Her heart was beating so furiously, she could barely catch her breath, sweat breaking out across her forehead, and such a buzzing in her ears, she heard nothing but that even as she stepped inside.
“Florence? Whatever is the matter?”
Florence shook her head, reaching for Helena’s arm. “Walk with me.”
Her cousin nodded and did precisely as Florence had asked, walking quickly away from the door of the ballroom and continuing through the crowd of guests.
She stayed near the side of the room, for which Florence was grateful, relieved that the shadows would hide her just a little.
Slowly, she began to calm herself, her breathing steadying and her heart slowing.
“Are you quite all right?”
Shaking her head no, Florence sank into a chair with Helena coming to sit beside her. Her cousin was looking back at her with wide eyes, but she said nothing more, giving Florence space to consider and to then respond.
“I was anxious enough about coming to the ball this evening,” she managed to say, closing her eyes to hide her cousin’s expression when she said the next part.
“My father spoke of Lord Applegate in the carriage, suggesting to my mother that he might be a gentleman worth considering. I do not believe that to be true, though I find myself quite furious with my own ongoing feelings, which I shall not deny.” She took in a shaking breath but forced herself to continue, still keeping her eyes shut.
“My mother laughed at the notion. Thereafter, as we were waiting in line to greet the Marquess – and I as nervous as could be – she pressed her fingers hard into my side, telling me to stand up straight… and I shrieked much too loudly.”
“Oh, Florence.” Helena’s voice was filled with sympathy. “That is not your fault.”
Florence finally opened her eyes, looking into her cousin’s face and seeing nothing but compassion there. “Yes, it was. I should have been able to stay composed.”
“You are being much too hard on yourself! That was not your fault in the least!”
With a shake of her head, Florence rubbed two fingers between her eyebrows, sensing tension there. “Whilst I did greet Lord Applegate, I left before it was appropriate. I had heard someone laughing behind me, and I could not bear to stay in his company, Helena. I am already ashamed enough!”
Helena let out a small sigh, then, leaning forward in her chair, pinned Florence with a steady gaze.
“Florence, let me speak plainly. You have altered so greatly these last few weeks; I have been very proud of you indeed. I should have said something before now, I think, but surely you must see just how much more confident you are in society? It is not to say that you have the same self-assurance as your sisters, but I do not think that such a thing is an excellent trait, truth be told.” She smiled, and tears began to burn in Florence’s eyes.
“You may still be a little anxious, yes, but I think that now comes from what you feel for Lord Applegate, instead of a general worry about what will or will not happen. Is that not a good thing? Can you not see why I might be so very pleased about that… and why you should be also?”
For a long moment, Florence simply looked at her cousin.
This was not something she had considered.
It had been much easier to think only of her failings, especially given the fact that her mother continually reminded her of them.
Perhaps Helena was right. Perhaps she should be thinking a little more about how much she had improved.
“You have not thought of your improvements, have you?” Helena smiled gently.
“Why do you not, for this evening only, think well of yourself instead of worrying about what might happen? Instead of fearing how you might fail, consider just how well you have done these last few occasions. You should be holding your head up high, Florence. Your confidence and poise have certainly improved and yes, you may still feel yourself a little anxious because of the Marquess, but that will settle in time.”
“Settle?” Florence bit her lip and looked away. “I am not certain I want it to settle.”
Helena's eyebrows lifted as Florence Caught her gaze.