26. The Advice
26
The Advice
Omar
"M ate, you’ve got it bad."
Russ elbows me in the ribs just as I’m taking a drink of water and I nearly spit it all over the pitch. We’ve just finished five-a-side and I’ve been distracted the whole game. Russ can tell, of course.
“You’re still thinking about her, aren’t you?” he presses, a stupid smirk on his face.
“Who?” I haven't stopped thinking of her since I made it back a couple of weeks ago.
“Don’t play dumb Omar. Bri. You drop her name into a conversation at every possible moment.” He gives me a knowing look, one eyebrow raised.
“I’m not. And I'm not thinking about her,” I mutter but the lie tastes sour in my mouth. I tried to tone it down, but every so often I remember something funny she did and it just slips out.
Russ laughs. “Mate, you’ve been off your game today. Nearly scored an own goal twice. You’re miles away and I’d bet anything you’re thinking about Bri.”
“It was just a fling,” I protest, wiping sweat from my forehead, my voice more defensive than I want it to be. “We both agreed. That’s all it was.”
Russ rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, ‘just a fling.’ You’ve said that, like, fifty times. But tell me, how many flings have you been hung up on like this one?”
I don’t answer because he knows the answer as well as I do. None.
I stretch my legs out, trying to shake off this conversation as if it were a cramp. “We had fun. It’s over. She’s doing her thing; I’m doing mine. It wouldn’t work.”
Russ squints at me, “It wouldn’t work? Or you won’t let it work?”
I blink, caught off guard. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Russ leans forward, elbows on his knees. “It means you’ve been saying that relationships aren’t for you for years but that’s because you’re scared. You’ve convinced yourself they’re all doomed so you’re not even giving it a chance.”
I open my mouth to argue but he cuts me off.
“You’re not your dad,” Russ says, softer now. “But that’s what you’re afraid of, isn’t it? That you’ll somehow turn into him.”
I stare at the ground, my pulse picking up. “It’s not that simple.”
“It is that simple,” Russ says, leaning back. “You think all relationships end badly because of what happened with your parents and you’re scared you’ve got his ‘cheater gene’ or some rubbish like that.”
I stay silent, my chest tightening. I’ve never said those words out loud but Russ has known me long enough to read between the lines.
“So you don’t even try,” he continues. “You say you don’t want a relationship because it’s easier to keep things light. But now you’ve met someone who’s thrown you off your game, and you don’t know what to do.”
I scoff, shaking my head, but his words hit home. “It’s not that deep. Bri and I agreed it wouldn’t become more than a fling.”
“And you believe that?”
“She said it.”
Russ raises an eyebrow. “Yeah but did she mean it? Or was she just following your lead because you’re so hung up on thinking every relationship is destined to end in flames?”
I glare at him and his question stings. I think back to the last moments I spent with Bri in Salzburg, the way she hugged me a little tighter than necessary, the way her smile faltered just before she turned to leave. We both said it was just a casual holiday romance with no strings attached. But did she want it to be more? Did I?
Russ doesn’t let up. “You know, you’ve never actually given a relationship a proper go. Not since we were teenagers. And you’re not your dad. Just because he messed up doesn’t mean you’re going to.”
“How do you know?” I mutter.
Russ shrugs. “You’re right. I don’t, except you’re worrying about it: you don’t want to be like him and that already makes you different from him. You can be better.”
I don’t say anything, the weight of his words pressing down on me. It’s not like I’ve never thought about it. The fear of becoming like my dad always lurks in the back of my mind, whispering that I’ll mess up any relationship I get into. That it’s better to avoid it altogether than to risk it.
But Bri... Bri makes me want to risk it.
“You know, it’s not just about avoiding being your dad,” Russ says after a moment. “You’ve also got to ask yourself what you want. Because mate, I’ve never seen you like this. Not even close.”
I rub a hand over my face in frustration. “What if it all goes wrong? What if I can’t make it work?”
Russ stands up, stretching his arms over his head. “Then it goes wrong but at least you tried. And maybe it won’t go wrong. Maybe it works out better than you ever thought it could.”
I stay seated and stare down at the pitch, thinking about all the reasons it shouldn’t work. There are a thousand reasons not to take the risk, even if I can’t think of any right this moment.
Russ shrugs on his jacket and glances at me. “Look, I’m not saying you have to drop everything and declare your love to her but you’re not doing yourself any favours by sitting here pretending you don’t care. Call her, see what she thinks. You might be surprised.”
I stand up, zipping up my hoodie to keep out the cold. “You really think it’s that simple?”
Russ grins. “Nothing’s simple. But what’s the alternative? You, sitting here, thinking about her every day and wondering what might have been? Or you take a chance and actually live a little?”
We start walking towards the car park and I pull out my phone, staring at Bri’s number which is still at the top of my contacts list. Russ slaps me on the back as he walks past.
“Don’t think about it too much. Just call her. Worst thing she can say is no. And I’ve seen you deal with worse than that.”
I watch him walk off and stand there, phone in hand. Maybe I should call her. Maybe… my fingers hovers over the call button but I close the app and slide the phone in my pocket. Not today.