Chapter 12 #3
“No, you’re not. Just kind of stupid.” I patted him on the hip and then stood up. “You’re not going to freak out, are you?”
Another sigh. “Probably not.”
“Good. Because your very fine ass needs to be on the bus in half an hour.” I shoved my stuff into my duffel at warp speed. “Can you grab my toiletries when you leave? I don’t have time.”
Bella wasn’t hard to catch. When I got to the elevators, she wasn’t there. But a quick scan of the lobby revealed a defeated-looking figure on a lonesome bench between two ficus trees. She sat there, staring at her shoes, her face blotchy.
She didn’t look up when I sat down beside her. But she didn’t order me to leave. So that was something. “Would it be really obnoxious of me to ask right now if one of those coffees was supposed to be for me?”
Bella practically growled. “I kind of hate you right now.”
“I know,” I whispered.
She took one of the cups out of the tray and handed it to me. Then she took a big slug of another one. “What the fuck, Rikker. How could I be such an idiot?”
“You’re not.”
She made a face. “I… It’s hard to wrap my head around.
” She raked her hands over her forehead.
“I mean… I never thought that Graham…” I watched the emotions duke it out on her face.
“You went to the same high school for a while. He said he didn’t remember you.
” She looked up at me for the first time. “That wasn’t true, was it?”
I cleared my throat. “He would have to have a pretty impressive case of amnesia.”
Bella groaned in frustration. “I’m so pissed at him. It’s like… we had so many conversations about relationships. And sex. And our pasts, you know? We talked all the time.” She dropped her voice. “Graham is gay.” These last words came slowly, as if she were trying them on.
And I’d still never heard Graham say it out loud.
“…So then he lied to me for years,” she went on. “Even last night, I asked who he was texting… I’m offended, okay? Because I would have been cool with the truth, you know? I’m not like that.”
I just put my arm around her, and let her get it all out.
“I knew he didn’t love me.”
“He does love you.”
She flapped a hand, making the universal sign for enough already. “I don’t usually fall for people. And whenever I do, it’s a huge disaster.”
“We have that in common, then.” I moved closer to her on the bench. “Come here, would you?”
She hesitated. Then she leaned in, letting me wrap my arms around her. “I definitely hate you right now,” she said in a small voice.
“I know.”
“I hate Graham more.”
“He’s kind of an idiot,” I said. She giggled, her face in my neck. But a few tears came along for the ride, too. “Bella, for what it’s worth, I don’t think he ever knew how you felt about him.” This was weird, really. Comforting my friend because she couldn’t have my lover. But whatever.
“I never told him. Because I knew it wouldn’t help. He didn’t love me. I just didn’t know why. But everything makes so much more sense now. Graham likes guys. That’s why he would only have sex drunk. And that’s why I always had to work so hard to…”
“…That’s T.M.I.” Thankfully, she didn’t finish that thought.
I didn’t want to hear anything about the sex they had.
Partly I was jealous. But also, I felt protective of poor Graham.
For a few minutes I just held her. And then, at the risk of setting her off, I said what I had to say. “Bella, please don’t tell anyone.”
She jerked away from me, her expression fierce. “Is that why you’re being nice to me? So I’ll keep his little secret?”
I pulled her to me again. “No. And you know it. You’re my friend. Pretty much my only one.”
She made an irritated sound, but didn’t pull away. “Why does it have to be such a big secret, anyway?”
“Seriously? Do you think I make this look fun?”
She put her chin on my shoulder. “If everybody came out at once, it wouldn’t be a thing anymore.”
“Dream on. I’ve been comfy in the closet before. Christian school, and all.”
She looked up at me. “Jesus saves. Unless you’re gay?”
I gave her a squeeze. “That’s exactly right.”
“Graham went there for four years?” she asked.
“Six, because we did the middle school first. Fire and brimstone, and reading, writing and arithmetic.”
“God, what a mess.” She sighed, her head dropping onto my shoulder again. “I just can’t even…” Her sentences kept stopping and starting. But shock will do that to a person. After a while, though, she seemed to calm down. “What happened between you two, before?”
I shook my head. “Sorry. It’s not my story to tell.”
“Sure it is.” When I shook my head again, her brow furrowed. “It must have been something bad. And that’s why you didn’t want me to put you in that other hotel room together.” She clapped a hand onto her forehead.
“That turned out okay,” I said quickly.
“For you.” Her laugh was dark. “The night we met, I told you that I was afraid you’d cut in on my action.”
“When I said that it would never happen, I really believed it.”
Bella let out a big groan. “Fuck. I loved Graham in spite of his dark corners. I thought someday he’d realize he felt the same way about me.” She was quiet for a moment, her hands over her eyes. “Saying it out loud sounds so pathetic.”
I took a big slug of my rapidly cooling coffee, and then offered her a hand. “You aren’t pathetic.”
“I am, though,” she insisted. “It’s just that usually I can get through the day without being reminded of it. Fucking Graham. Why didn’t he just tell me?”
Because he couldn’t even tell himself. “You’ll have to ask him.”
We sat there in silence a little longer. “You and Graham,” Bella said under her breath. “Damn. I don’t suppose you’d let me watch? That would be pretty hot.”
I choked on my last swallow of coffee.
“Didn’t think so,” Bella mumbled.