Chapter 5 #2
“I hope he was helpful.”
“He was. And, well, so much more pleasant than Mr. Henderson.”
Evan chuckled. “That probably ain’t too hard to do.”
“I’ve always considered Jeremy to be a very nice young man.”
He laughed. “My youngest is a lot of things. Nice is certainly one of them.” Leaning back in his chair, he sipped his drink again. “So . . . what do you think? Is it all right that I came calling?” He handed over the package. “Especially since I brought you chocolate and all?”
Evan Keim was charming. As charming as she’d always imagined he was. She liked how he smiled. She was surprised he admitted that he’d been thinking about paying her a call. He was still the most handsome man she’d ever seen.
When she was a girl, Leanna would’ve done everything she could to encourage his attentions. But that was a long time ago. Years ago. Before he’d raised a family with Rose and she’d watched the years pass next to Willis.
A curious sensation floated over her. It was filled with regret and relief. Confusion and, yes, just a little bit of fear. What if—what if it didn’t last? What if Evan eventually changed his mind about her?
What if she gave her heart again, but instead of finding love, all she got was heartache?
Besides, did she even want to be courted? Staring into the distance, Leanna continued to deliberate.
She’d been so ready to stop all the visits from men she didn’t want to spend time with. If she encouraged Evan, would she feel obligated to open up her heart and home yet again?
Evan chuckled, bringing her back to the present. “Leanna, was my question really so difficult to answer?”
Regret filled her, but she knew what she had to do. “I suppose it was.”
“I don’t understand.” He truly did look mystified.
“Evan, it’s good to see you, and I’m, uh . . . honored by your interest. However, I don’t plan to ever marry again.”
He drew back. “Not ever?”
“There’s a small chance I might change my mind, but it isn’t likely.”
“I see.” It was good Evan wasn’t a preacher because it seemed like his every thought was written on his face. As the seconds passed, Leanna watched her words register. Shock, dismay, and, yes, regret shone in his eyes.
She hated to see that.
When Evan spoke again, his voice was hoarse. “Was your marriage to Willis really that wonderful?”
As much as she regretted seeing the hurt in his eyes, she was pleased to have another easy question to answer.
“The problem isn’t that it was wonderful, Evan.
” Forcing herself to gaze into his eyes, she added, “The problem is that it wasn’t anything close to being wonderful. I’m content with being on my own.”
“You are content,” he repeated in a whisper.
“Yes. Thank you for calling. You are a nice man, Evan. One of the best. I’m thankful for your friendship.
But if you are looking for a new wife, then I think you should look somewhere else.
I don’t want to waste your time.” Standing up, she forced herself to lift her chin.
Reminded herself that if she chose, she didn’t have to be alone anymore.
No, she now had a group of women in her corner.
A group of women who understood how she was feeling. Who had experienced pain as well.
Evan rose to his feet. Once again, she was struck by just how handsome he was.
He radiated good health and energy. One could look at him and imagine that there was little he couldn’t do, whether it was chopping firewood, shoveling a path to the barn, or even preparing a simple breakfast. This was a man whom a woman could count on.
Unbidden, she remembered once seeing him help Rose into their buggy. He’d practically lifted her onto the buggy’s seat, and that was after he’d rounded up their four kinner and got them settled as well.
But the memory that had struck her the most was the way Rose had clung to him. Not as if she’d needed his help but because she hadn’t wanted to let go.
As if she’d treasured every touch.
Back then, that moment had been almost painful for Leanna to see. Because, for a split second, she’d been envious. And, yes, even a little angry with Rose. Because she surely had no idea how blessed she was to have such a man.
And now here she was, pushing him away.
Only the knowledge that she was no sweet, na?ve bride gave her comfort. She wasn’t the type of woman who needed tenderness anymore. Why, she’d probably lash out if he attempted to help her do anything. She . . . she was independent now.
Forcing herself to meet his gaze, she said, “Thank you for understanding.”
Evan’s lips parted like he was about to respond. But he didn’t.
Instead, he nodded. His expression was torn. Crushed. Filled with pain . . . and was that longing? “Leanna, I am sorry if I made things awkward between us.”
He hadn’t. She was always going to feel awkward around him. But she was sorry too. She was sorry for everything he was and everything she wasn’t any longer. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to walk you out.”
When she turned to get the door for him, Leanna made sure to keep her eyes averted. If she wasn’t careful, she would change her mind. She’d somehow convince herself that they could be happy together, and if God willed, she’d eventually have a child to love.
But that was just a dream. Nothing more.
It would likely never happen. After all, there was a very good chance she might not even be able to carry a child. The disappointment was crushing.
Why set herself up to be disappointed again?
After all, she’d already experienced her share of regrets.
Later that night, long after she’d had a can of soup for supper and stared into the fire, long after the stars had come out, she opened the box of chocolate. Evan had left that gift for her even though she’d pushed him away.
She hated that tears had formed in her eyes.