Chapter 28
— chapter twenty-eight
Making Evan leave the other night had not been easy. It had been the right decision, she was sure about that.
But it had still been awful.
However, everything Evan had said didn’t ring true. She felt as if he was just saying words that she wanted to hear. And all that foolishness about being okay with having a baby because Addison was cute?
Well, that only reinforced all the doubts she felt about their relationship.
All she could think about was how disappointed Willis had been when either she had a miscarriage or another month passed without conceiving.
After years of that, their marriage began to feel hollow.
There was no way she ever wanted to go through that again.
She didn’t think Edmund would be upset with her if that happened, but she wasn’t sure. She wondered if Evan would be disappointed. For some reason, she felt like his disappointment might be harder to bear than Edmund’s.
Perhaps she should learn to be happy living alone. Doreen was a lovely woman, and she seemed happy and content. Or, if not quite that, she’d made peace with her new reality. Maybe Leanna should follow her example.
Which meant she needed to shake off her blue mood as soon as possible. She played with Bumble. She fussed with her garden. She swept the barn floor. Read a couple of books ladies at the club had recommended.
The sense of unease continued to linger, though.
Ever since she visited Jenna, she’d been reminded of just how precious life was. Jenna’s grief had triggered a sense of loss that she’d hoped was long gone.
Days were passing, but she felt as if she was continually standing still. Sometimes she felt as if she was simply getting through each day instead of living.
Sure, she was starting to make some good friends in the widows club, but those friendships didn’t seem to make a dent in the sense of emptiness she couldn’t seem to shake.
After attempting to work on an embroidery project she’d put aside five years ago, she’d strode to the kitchen and pulled out some flour and yeast. She’d make a couple of loaves of bread and give them to whoever wanted them at the next meeting.
After stirring together the yeast and warm milk, she carefully added the flour, salt, sugar, and egg and put the mess out on the countertop.
After kneading it a couple of times, she turned it. Rolled up her sleeves.
And then came to a realization.
As much as she wanted to put the blame on grieving for Willis, Leanna realized that the worst of her depression came from losing Evan. She’d really liked being with him. She’d liked getting to know Jeremy and his other sons.
What was especially hard was that Leanna knew Evan liked her too. He’d trusted her with his sons. He’d even given her a puppy. She’d thought that she was falling in love again.
Until he shared about not wanting to have more kinner. Even though he said he’d changed his mind, she wasn’t sure she believed him. Sure, she hated sending him away, but she’d been so mad at him for showing up with a bag of dog toys and a half-baked apology. She deserved better.
She knew she did.
But being “right” didn’t necessarily make her less lonely.
The rain that had started to fall just hours after she and Bumble returned home from their walk on Saturday hadn’t helped her state of mind either.
It had kept her and Bumble inside for the rest of Saturday.
Then, though Sunday had been rather sunny, it was an off week for church.
She had no excuse to see Evan again. She’d kind of hoped that he’d seek her out and talk to her some more.
Maybe that would have been the push she needed to see if he’d been serious when he said that he wanted to court her again.
Unfortunately, it didn’t look as if her Monday was going to be much better.
Soon after she’d gotten dressed for work, Mr. Brenneman had called.
A pipe had burst in the kitchen and created a minor flood.
He decided to close the restaurant for the rest of the week in order to fix the water damage and do a few other needed repairs in the old building.
Though everything her boss had said made perfect sense, Leanna was still disappointed in the news. The last thing she wanted was to sit at home by herself.
Now she was going to have even more quiet days looming ahead, and she wouldn’t even have a paycheck to look forward to.
Walking out to the barn, she checked on the hens. Two of the ladies lifted their heads and stared at her curiously. “I know. I’ve already been in here once today,” Leanna told them. “Don’t worry. I won’t be disturbing your nests.”
Feeling silly for trying to calm the birds down, she walked back outside. At last, the rain had stopped. There was even a break in the clouds.
Even though it was a little damp, she sat on the stone garden bench Willis had bought for her years ago, soon after she’d suffered yet another miscarriage.
“You should go on another long walk today,” she told herself. “Go down by the ravine and look at the creek. It should be running good now.”
Her mother used to take her down to the creek when she was in her early teens.
Mamm used to say that long walks were as good for one’s head as they were for one’s body.
And back when they used to walk, Leanna agreed with her mother’s assessment completely.
There truly was something to be said for being around nature.
For taking a moment to pray and refocus.
Get her head on straight.
“Leanna?”
Turning, she saw Doreen approaching.
Standing up quickly, she shook out her skirts and strode down the gravel driveway to meet her.
“This is a nice surprise.”
“It’s nice to find you home. You are a busy lady,” Doreen said in a kind voice. “I wasn’t sure if you would be around or not.”
“I’m afraid that I’ve been around this house more often than not of late.”
“Let’s go inside and chat for a spell, then.” Smiling softly, she added, “Jah, I know I just invited myself inside, but I think we’ll be more comfortable there, don’t you?”
“Absolutely. I think the kettle on the stove is still hot. Would you care for tea?”
“I can’t think of anything better.”
Doreen followed her into the kitchen and slipped off her cape while Leanna lit the gas burner, heated the water again, and took teacups out of the cupboard.
When she sat down across from Doreen, Leanna couldn’t help but notice how lovely the older woman looked. Her kapp looked crisp and clean, her periwinkle dress and apron made her hazel eyes appear bright. She was wearing black tights and black leather tennis shoes. They looked brand-new.
“I like your tennis shoes,” she said.
Looking pleased by the compliment, Doreen kicked a foot out. “Do you? I’m a fan of them myself. I used to wear boots a lot more, but I found that my body appreciates walking in these sneakers better.”
“I feel the same way,” she said as she set their filled cups on the table.
“Now, how about you tell me what’s put that sadness back in your eyes, Leanna.”
“It’s a lot of things, I’m afraid. I just don’t know what to do about the rest of my life,” Leanna admitted. “I feel so torn. I’m besieged by doubts and am terrified that I’m going to be flooded with regrets no matter what I choose.”
Doreen picked up her teacup. Sipped the piping-hot brew while gazing at her over the rim. “Anything else?”
Leanna was flummoxed. She’d just laid her heart out. Well, maybe not her heart. It was more like her soul. This was her darkest fear—the one she didn’t even like to think about until it came without asking in the middle of the night. And that was all she had to say? “Isn’t that enough?”
“Of course it’s enough,” Doreen murmured as she set the cup back on its saucer.
“But?”
Doreen looked down at her lap. Smoothed the edge of her apron before meeting Leanna’s eyes again. “Well . . . forgive me if I sound like I’m not taking your feelings seriously. I promise I am. But I don’t know if having regrets about something one does is necessarily a bad thing.”
“Doreen. Of course it is.” If one regretted something, then they had made a mistake.
She shook her head. “No, dear. Regretting something means you tried, jah?” Without waiting for Leanna to respond, Doreen continued, her voice low and steady.
“Regretting something means you spoke your mind, or you went out of your comfort zone. Or you gave a relationship a try. Or a new job a try. You pushed yourself. You grew.”
Leanna agreed but didn’t think Doreen was considering the whole story. “But there’s a flip side to that,” she countered. “When one regrets, it means that whatever a person did, it wasn’t successful.”
“Success.” Doreen wrinkled her nose. “I’m so tired of everyone needing to be successful.
Or deciding that they need to measure success.
Or analyzing happiness or worthiness with checks and balances.
If you tried something and you failed, or you made a friend but it eventually soured, or if you had to learn the hard way about doing something better, then accept it instead of measuring it. Count it as life.”
She was kind of taken aback. She’d been ready for Doreen to give her some sympathy and understanding. Instead, Doreen was practically ranting.
Not caring that she probably sounded bitter, she bit out, “You are making everything seem so easy. It’s not.”
“Dear, you may disagree, but life isn’t supposed to be easy,” she replied with a touch of fire in her voice.
“It’s been my experience that life is filled with hopes and dreams and pain and regret.
” She tapped her fingers on the edge of the kitchen table.
“On some days you’re going to feel fulfilled.
On others you’re going to feel forgotten.
And sometimes, no matter what, you’re going to feel both fulfilled and forgotten at the same time.
But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Accept it. ”
Leanna was shocked. Doreen seemed almost mad at her.
Or was she merely impatient? Was she frustrated?
“I . . . I don’t know how to respond to you.
I’ve been trying to explain how torn I’ve felt about being a widow.
How I enjoy being a part of the widows club, but there’s still a part of me that wants to fall in love again. ”
“Dear, the widows club was never meant to be a box for you to hide in. I formed it to be a support system. A safety net. I wanted women to feel like they weren’t alone, even though their homes might suddenly feel lonely.
That wishing to live life as best they could—without getting married again—was acceptable.
That their feelings were real and okay to have. ”
Lowering her voice, she added, “Leanna, I formed the Amish Widows Club because no matter what the outside world might think, we still count. We have every right to be happy. And our happiness doesn’t have to be bound by the rest of the world’s parameters. We can choose our future.”
Reaching out, Doreen gripped Leanna’s hand. “Darling girl, if you decide that falling in love and getting married again will make you happy, then I will be first in line to help you plan the wedding.”
“You mean that, don’t you?”
“I mean it with all my heart. But you need to stop worrying about what I want or think. Or what your neighbor, uncle, or sister thinks! Start concentrating on yourself. Pray, dream, make lists . . . do whatever you need to do. And then jump, dear.”
“And if I fall on my face?”
Doreen squeezed her hand. “The answer to that is easy, Leanna. If you fall, then for goodness’ sake, get back up.”
Tears filled Leanna’s eyes as she realized that Doreen had just given her the advice she’d been praying for. It was time to take a few leaps, no matter what happened.