Chapter 23
Marissa
I roll my shoulders to ease the stiffness, but I still feel achy.
“Overdid it with the pool yesterday, huh?” Red asks as she hangs up the phone.
“I don’t think that's it,” I tell her. “I didn’t sleep too well last night. I guess I’m nervous about my first day at the hospital.”
A few weeks ago, Bev asked me if I’d be interested in joining the other Chasers who pledged to spend a number of hours a year cuddling newborns going through Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome. I don’t think it was humanly possible to say yes any faster.
Now that I have completed all the necessary training and paperwork, it is finally time for the hospital orientation.
“It’s going to break your heart and restore your faith in humanity at the same time,” Red tells me. “I always hold Isabella a little tighter on the days I’m there.”
“How long have you been going?”
“Ever since the twins joined the club,” she says. “I don’t know if you know this, but they themselves were born with Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, so this is a cause that they’ve been championing.”
“I had no idea,” I breathe.
The arrival of a gym regular draws Red’s attention from me again, and it gives me some time to process the news. I remember Bev telling me that the twins were children of addicts, but my God, this?
I'm overcome with an irrational worry that I’ve said or done something that might have hurt their feelings.
When I look up from the email I’ve been replying to, I see Hawk standing in front of me with a warm smile on his face.
“Ready to go?” He asks me.
I smile back, but not too enthusiastically. Ever since what happened to Lucy, I’ve been extra careful not to look like the smitten idiot that I am.
“I’ll go and change out of this gym shirt,” I tell him.
At the nurses’ station, a tall young doctor walks up to us and shakes hands with Hawk before introducing himself to me.
“Hi, you must be Ms. Johnson. I’m Doctor Cole Williams. I’ll be walking you through your orientation today while Hawk is in the NICU.”
His eyes are an unusual shade of green, and I keep stealing glances at him as he explains infection control measures, safety protocols, and cues to monitor during my shifts.
An hour goes by before I know it. The way Doctor Williams talks is conversational and easy to understand. He’s patient and never assumes I already know things.
I swear his face lights up when I mention I’m a single mom.
“My mom was on her own when I came along. She later met my stepdad, who helped raise me and who I consider my father, but single moms, wow. I have all the respect in the world for what you are capable of.”
My face warms. “I’ve never seen a more enthusiastic reaction to my situation.”
Dr. Williams laughs. “You should spend more time around me, then.”
I’ve almost forgotten how to do this, but I manage to return his smile and say, “Maybe,” in just the right non-committally flirty tone.
“Would you like to meet up for a cup of coffee sometimes?” He asks later, leading me back to the reception area, where Hawk is waiting for us.
The stupid somersault my idiot heart does at the sight of my colleague/roommate convinces me to say, “Sure.”
I love the club. I like being Hawk’s friend. I need to be level-headed about my situation instead of nursing this hopeless crush and potentially ruining a good thing.
“Okay, great,” Dr. Williams exclaims.
“What is?” Hawk inquires, his eyes cautiously darting between the two of us as the Doctor reaches for his notepad.
“Here’s my number. Please text me when you’re in the mood for that coffee.”
I feel like I’m committing a massive betrayal as I fold the paper and put it in the tiny pocket on the side of my athletic leggings.
“Will do. Thanks, Doctor Williams.”
“Please, call me Cole,” he says with a wink. “See you soon.”
Neither of us speaks much on the ride back. The tension radiating from Hawk’s body makes my face itchy, but I don’t move.
I know he asked me not to bring men to his place. That’s probably what he’s worried about.
I don’t intend to sleep with Cole, those dreamy eyes of his be damned. I only want to be distracted for a while. I want to go on a date, dress up, feel light and joyful and beautiful for just a brief moment.
The depth of that need surprises and embarrasses me.
“So, you like Cole or what?” Hawk asks me in a low-pitched tone.
Good. A chance to clear the air.
“I don’t know him well enough. He seems nice,” I say diplomatically.
“But you’d like to know him better?”
“I guess?”
Hawk huffs and then mutters, “That’s what I get for listening to others.”
My stomach knots. What is he trying to say?
My temples start throbbing.
Hawk pulls into the garage, and I almost run out of the car. I can’t bear seeing the disappointment in his eyes, but at the same time, I’m furious with him.
The intensity of the conflicting feelings is startling.
Who the fuck does he think he is, judging me, a woman who’s trying to move on after having had the carpet yanked out from underneath her at such a vulnerable time in her life?
“Marissa!” Hawk calls after me.
I ignore him and move deeper into the house. My head is pounding.
“Where are you going?”
I don’t turn to look at him.
“I need to go get DJ from Molly, they're at the clubhouse playground,” I recite in a cold voice.
“I thought we were talking,” he says softly.
“Oh, were we?” I ask sarcastically.
I finally turn to look at him. He looks amused.
That makes me even angrier, so I continue, “I must not have realized. Surprise! The stupid, poor single mother charity case you took in despite everyone telling you not to has trouble following a conversation.”
Hawk’s head jerks back. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You said, That’s what I get for listening to others.
Don’t worry, I won’t be bringing Cole here.
I keep my word, but you have no right to criticize me for wanting to go on a date, for wanting some semblance of life for myself, outside of being a mom.
I’m only 28!” My voice breaks on the last words, and I grab the doorknob to finalize my escape, but Hawk steps closer to me, and I feel his warm hand on mine.
“Baby, hey,” he pleads in almost a whisper. “Please, look at me, Marissa.”
I reluctantly turn towards him. The tears make his whole face look soft and blurry.
I’m essentially trapped between the front door and his big body, but it doesn’t make me panic. Quite the opposite.
Hawk hugs me, and I’m reminded of the day he helped me move. I wrap my arms around his waist and listen to his heartbeat for a few soothing minutes before he finally speaks again.
“All that stuff you said about yourself… Did I make you think that?”
I take a moment to reflect on the last few months from the safety of his arms.
“No,” I admit reluctantly.
“Is that how you think about yourself, in your own head?”
“Sometimes.”
Hawk is quiet for what feels like ten minutes.
“If you want to bring Cole over here, you can,” he says in a strained voice.
“No!” I twitch in his arms, trying to show him my frown and my look of disbelief, but he doesn’t loosen his hold on me. “I don’t want Cole, I want…”
I bury my face in his chest, too exhausted and too much of a coward to continue.
Hawk bows his head to whisper in my ear, “Is there someone else you do want?”
I nod against his chest. Hawk walks me back until my ass hits the door. I look up, and his eyes are burning.
“When I said I shouldn’t have listened… I’ve been holding off on making my move with you. I was trying to give you time and space to heal, because everyone told me you needed it. It’s been killing me, baby. Being so close to you every day, but not being with you.”
He caresses my cheek with the back of his fingers, and I lean my face into his touch. My eyelids flutter shut.
“Can I kiss you, Marissa?”
I think I open my mouth instead of my eyes, but my brain soon catches up, and I realize I can see him again.
A wave of tenderness and affection rises up inside my chest as I watch Hawk stand in front of me with all the patience in the world, his palms still on my hips, not making his move without my say-so.
There's no other answer than putting my hands on his chest and saying, “Please do.”
Hawk isn’t afraid to show how happy my permission makes him. He puts his forehead on mine and closes his eyes in relief.
I can’t look away.
The love and ownership I feel over the strong line of his jaw and the laugh lines around his eyes turn my bones into jello before our lips even touch. And when they do…
It starts with his nose gently gliding up mine. Then a soft press of his lips, and my mouth immediately opens in response. His head draws back slightly, so he can gauge my reaction, but my face follows him, hungry for more.
Hawk seems taken aback at first, like he can’t believe that I’m as desperate for this as he is, but he quickly puts one hand on the small of my back and the other in my hair and kisses me again.
I’ve had it with the patience at this point, so my tongue boldly deepens the kiss, and I moan my relief at the wonderful cool taste of his mouth.
Hawk presses my lower half into his, and the substantial erection that greets me through my thin leggings drives me wild with lust, pride, and wonderful, warm joy.
I put my arms around his neck and press my chest against him. Both of us become frantic in our kissing, licking, heavy petting, until Hawk suddenly bookends our makeout session by putting his forehead to mine again.
I look down at him through heavy-lidded eyes, confused. His hands are on my ass, and my legs are around his hips.
He must have lifted me up at some point.
Startled by my newfound position, I squeeze him with my legs, and he groans as he puts his face into the crook of my neck.
“Marissa,” he pleads. “One of us has to go get DJ.”
“Shit,” I say as I scramble to be let down. “Shit shit shit. What time is it?” I ask, trying to smooth my hair.
What has this man been doing with it?!
Hawk is amused even though his zipper is dangerously close to popping. “We still have about 10 minutes. I’ll take the car.”
And yet, we continue standing there with the goofiest grins on our faces. When Hawk steps towards me again, I lick my lips in anticipation, but he glides two fingers inside my pocket and pulls Cole’s phone number out.
“I guess you won’t be needing this anymore,” he says and opens the front door.
I guess not.