Chapter 16
Cass
“You’re kidding,” I said to Jed, incredulous. “You broke out of prison just in time to save her from a band of killers?”
“In a snowstorm, no less,” Freya said.
Jed nodded solemnly. “The prison break had been programmed already,” he said. “It’s not like I could break out of a max security prison on the fly. But saving her from Wex Boer and Nicole’s goons was off the cuff. The woman keeps me on my toes.”
“Oh, stop it,” Freya scoffed. “I saved your fine butt too, several times, so don’t you act all long-suffering and put upon.”
He leaned over to give her a swift but very passionate kiss. “All my suffering is worth it.”
They gazed into each other’s eyes. A glimpse of total intimacy and trust, marbled with scorching lust. It made my heart squeeze with longing.
Which made me angry at myself, for craving something so silly and unreasonable.
I was asking a wounded, damaged, traumatized guy to be whole, and to fulfil all my stupid girlish fantasies.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t Shane’s fault that he didn’t have what I needed.
That was Halliwell’s fault. And fate’s. Tough shit for me.
After all the intense events of the day, last night’s ice-cold dismissal still hurt. But I didn’t have time for this bullshit. I should be grateful for the help. I should be cool and focused and businesslike, scheming for Reggie’s well-being.
Not sulky and sad because Shane wasn’t fulfilling my maidenly longings for romance. Longings I never knew I had until now.
Let it go, damn it. Let him go. He can’t be what you want.
I savored another bite of dessert. Today’s offering was a tender gingerbread with a whisky-tinged cream sauce.
Holly and Reggie had their heads together and were cheerfully arguing about which of the Harry Potter books were the best ones.
I loved to see it. Reggie had never had much social interaction with peers, which was partly Mom’s and my fault.
Mom was introverted and often depressed.
She’d made very little effort socially. On top of that, Reggie was at least four grade levels ahead in terms of her cognitive development, which had always made friend groups problematic for her.
And it made social isolation and being bullied at school practically a given.
Holly was perfect for her. Smart, cheerful, bubbly, kind. Drawing her out.
Reggie looked over at me, her face bright with enjoyment. “Can I sleep in Holly’s room on her pull-out bed?” she asked.
“It’ll be like a slumber party,” Holly said with obvious satisfaction. “I haven’t been able to have a slumber party since before that thing happened to Daddy. But that’s over, right? You can tell the police to arrest that guy and put him in jail now, right?”
“That’s the general idea,” Ethan said. “But it’s more complicated than that.”
Holly sighed. “It always is,” she complained. “Well, whatever. I want that guy in jail. But Reggie and I can start making up for lost time already. We’ll have a slumber party every night.”
“Until you start up school again,” Ethan warned.
“Oh, school, schmool,” Holly said airily. She glanced over at Reggie. “School’s pretty boring. For you, too?”
“God, yeah,” Reggie said, with feeling. “Do you sneak books in?”
“Yes, or else I’d totally die. Let’s go get into our pajamas now.”
Reggie looked over at me. “Can I?”
I felt a little bereft, letting go of her already. I could have used a few more days of sleeping with Reggie clutched jealously in my arms like a teddy bear. But this, her bright, happy eyes, the color in her cheeks, was a beautiful thing to behold.
“Of course,” I said heartily. “Let’s go get you ready.”
A chorus of good-nights followed us out the dining room door. I was careful as always not to look at Shane. Reggie chattered in our room about everything that was cool and awesome about Holly as we got her into her pajamas.
“You know, she’s different from other kids,” Reggie said thoughtfully.
“Different how?”
Reggie paused, thinking it over. “It’s hard to explain,” she said.
“She’s had bad things happen. She knows how bad things can get.
Most kids have no clue. Remember when Mom died, and all the kids at school were afraid to talk to me?
They were embarrassed. Scared by it. Holly’s not embarrassed or scared. ”
My heart clutched. “Yeah, I understand.”
“She had her dad taken, and then Nicole kidnapped her and Kat. She’s been locked in a room, too. Not for as long as me or Shane. But still. She knows.”
“Babe, I’m so sorry that you have to know,” I said. “It’s not right.”
“Well, it’s too late to fuss about it now,” Reggie said sagely. “Once you know, you can’t ever un-know it. No matter what your age.”
“I get it,” I said.
“I know you do,” Reggie said. “I love being with you, after missing you for so long. But this is the thing. We don’t know how many more chances I’ll have to do stuff like this. Like, a slumber party with a friend. I should grab it while I can, right?”
“You’ll have as many as you want,” I said fiercely. “You’ll have a whole long lifetime of it. We’re beating this thing, Reggie.”
Reggie’s smile was sad. “You’re super tough and badass, but you can’t make me better by being badass. You’re super sweet for wanting to, though.”
Maybe not. But I could hold a knife to that bastard’s throat and demand the cure. Hardly sweet, but whatever. I swallowed that back. “We’ll see,” I said. “You just go on and have your slumber party. The first of many slumber parties yet to come.”
She got into fuzzy flannel jammies, with a pattern of pteranodons flying over a blue sky, and I walked her down the hall to Holly’s room.
I saw Freya as I was going in the door, and realized, too late to retreat, that Shane was sitting on Holly’s bed. Holly was on his lap.
I kept my eyes on the girls. Holly greeted Reggie with a burst of excited chatter, which I only pretended to follow. I couldn’t hear it anyway, not though the roaring and pounding in my head, the nervous thudding of my heart. Breathe, Cass. Breathe.
Of course he was here. It was right, it was obvious, it was inevitable that he be here.
In what universe would a loving father separated from his kid for over a year not give her a goodnight kiss the first night they were together?
How did I not think this through? There was Cass Clarke for you. Selectively stupid AF, that was me.
I kept a big smile stamped on my face as I watched Holly and Reggie talking and giggling.
I spouted some silly, predictable, teasing bullshit about being good, not staying up all night giggling like ninnies.
It made them eye each other and snort with laughter.
So far, so good. Then I kissed them goodnight, waved at everyone and backed on out of there.
Smiling, smiling, smiling. Everything was just great, folks. See yah!
I heard Freya calling as I hustled toward the refuge of my bedroom. Oh, crap.
I wiped tears away as her quick footsteps approached, and re-established the smile as I turned around. She was hurrying to catch up. “Cass? Hey. Hold on.”
I ramped up the smile. “Hey, there. Looks like loads of fun is about to be had.”
Freya glanced back over her shoulder as a burst of laughter came out the door of Holly’s room.
Her smile was tender. “Holly’s so excited to have a friend here,” she said.
“Her life has been so restricted since Shane got taken. Even before, it wasn’t easy for her to find kids with her interests.
She’s so far ahead, and this year just made that gap even bigger.
But Reggie is amazing. And wise beyond her years. ”
“Too wise,” I blurted out, louder than I meant to. “She shouldn’t have to know how shitty things can get. Not yet. She’s too goddamn young. It’s too soon. Those fucking bastards. I want to kill them all.” To my horror, my face started to shake.
Freya gave me an impulsive hug. “I get you. I feel the same way about Holly.”
She squeezed me close, which made it even harder to fight the tears. I did not want to subject the poor jet-lagged woman to one of my crying jags, so I swayed back, sniffing aggressively. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “Didn’t mean to leak on you.”
“Don’t apologize,” Freya said fiercely. “Cry on me all you want. You deserve it, a million times over. You switched out that canister of poison gas for Shane and hauled him out of that place. Which makes you my hero until the end of time.”
“Aw. Thanks. But really. It was a transactional thing, not a heroic act, so—”
“Don’t even try. I know perfectly well that he was unconscious at the time. You said so yourself, and so did he. So that’s actually a big fat lie. Just give it up, Cass. What you did was brave, amazing, and heroic. Accept it. Own it. End of story.”
I laughed, but I still felt self-conscious and a little guilty. It seemed to me that what I had done for Shane had been far too self-interested to merit all this gratitude.
They had snatched back my precious girl for me. So we were oh, so square.
But being appreciated did not suck. Particularly since Shane had seemed quite underwhelmed by me. Not thrilled enough to keep me in his bed all night, that was for sure. But there was no point in thinking about that.
I hugged Freya again and exchanged good nights, and headed back to my room thinking about how much I liked her, Kat, Rose, Angela, Ethan.
The Drakes, too, come to think of it. I wanted them for myself, goddamn it.
I wanted this tight, safe, intimate family vibe they had going.
What a fantasy. To have people I trusted, respected and admired, all around me.
This place was like a shimmering oasis in the desert.
But the hard truth was, they belonged to Shane. And if Shane didn’t want me, it was back out into the flinty desert once again. Alas, poor me. Cue the fucking violins.