Chapter Eight
Whether or not I had a tangible memento of the previous evening, the throbbing pain in my knee reminded me at my first moment of consciousness.
I considered my options. There was every chance news of my indiscretions had now made it to my brother, and I doubted that conversation would go well. The urge to lock myself in my bedroom and sequester myself away until I expired from lack of sustenance was appealing.
Seclusion also meant never seeing the library again, or the shell grotto, and never even getting a chance of finding out what happened to Kitty.
Rising on shaky legs, I pulled on my secondhand coat, sinking into the familiarity of its embrace. I got as far as the door before it opened in front of me, Emma in the doorway.
“You should not be out of bed,” she said sternly. “I have only just talked Mr. Darcy down from summoning every doctor within thirty miles. Do not make me regret it.”
She gave me little choice in the matter, blocking my escape with the tray in her hands. Perching on the edge of the mattress was about as obliging as I could bring myself to be. Emma set the tray down beside me, passing over a cup of tea.
“I need to change that bandage again,” she said. “And a letter came for you this morning, sent back from Lambton with the carriage.”
My heart leapt into my throat, leaving no space for the tea I was trying to drink. Spluttering and coughing, I spilt a wave of liquid over the tray as I set down the cup and snatched up the letter just in time to rescue it from soaking.
My name was scrawled across the front in looping script I’d seen spill from Kitty’s pen. I tried to talk myself to calm as I ripped open a hastily formed seal and unfolded the paper, keeping it close to my chest as I read.
My Dearest George,
I am writing this in the carriage as we travel, so please do excuse the occasional wandering line.
Pemberley is still in view, and I hate that I am leaving you behind, particularly in such a haste.
Despite my most ardent pleading, Lizzy was adamant there was no time.
I think she was still a little in shock after how she found us.
But rest assured she has spoken not of it, and I do not believe she seeks to punish us.
Perhaps she does not fully understand what she interrupted.
She has not said a word to your brother.
Even if she had wanted to, there was simply no time.
Tonight a messenger brought word that Father is ill and Mother wants us back at Longbourn at once.
She fears he will not recover and that we must say our last goodbyes, but she would fear that if he had but caught a chill.
Still, it would be a terrible thing if he were truly unwell and we did not go to him, as I am sure you can understand.
I will return to Pemberley as soon as I can, if you wish me to.
In truth, I think the only thing that could keep me from seeing you again is a request from you that I stay away.
I do not pretend to understand these feelings, or flatter myself to think you might share them, but you stun me, Miss Darcy, and leave me quite at odds with sanity. I rather think I like it.
Yours humbly and reverently,
Kitty
I traced over Kitty’s name, allowing myself to smile for the first time since she left me in the grotto. It seemed like the best news I could’ve hoped for. Elizabeth had to at least have her suspicions regarding what she’d seen, but it wasn’t her chief concern.
“Good news?” Emma’s smile was knowing but kind.
I nodded, carefully refolding the letter and slipping it between the pages of The Disposition of an English Lady. It felt too dangerous to keep it out in the light. As terrible as it was to think news of the Bennets’ ailing father to be a positive thing, I couldn’t help my relief.
“Do you know where my brother is?” I asked Emma.
“That is a question I will only answer once I’ve seen to your knee.”
I huffed but sat obediently while Emma cleaned and rewrapped my wounds.
The cuts looked almost pitiful in the light of day, raw and pink but unbloodied.
It seemed inconceivable that they could’ve caused me so much pain.
The skin around them, however, had darkened to an ominous purple, mottled right across my kneecap.
Even after a night of healing, it continued to twinge whenever I flexed my leg.
As soon as Emma tied off the new bandages, I cautiously got to my feet and waited expectantly, balancing my weight on my good leg.
“He was in his study ten minutes ago,” Emma obliged. “Would you not like to dress for the day?”
“No, thank you.” I rushed through the words, not wanting to miss Darcy. If I had my way, I was going to need something more substantial than morning dress.
I found Darcy in his study as Emma had said, standing beside his desk with Pemberley’s steward and going over a book of accounts. When he saw me lingering in the doorway, he broke off midsentence to usher me to a chair.
“You should be resting,” he scolded me, before turning his attention back to the steward. “Thank you, Mr. Adams. I trust the estate will be in capable hands until I return, as always.”
Mr. Adams bowed his head, ignoring the presence of his employer’s woefully undignified younger sister.
My hair had not seen a comb since the ball, and I certainly was not dressed for polite company.
As soon as Mr. Adams had left, I started talking before Darcy could send me back to bed or call a doctor.
“Where are you going? Did you hear from Elizabeth?”
“I did,” he said, pulling a letter from his jacket pocket. “Her father—”
“I know.”
I had interrupted before I had time to think, my teeth clacking together as I closed my mouth a moment too late. Darcy raised an eyebrow.
“You know? How do you know?”
I considered my options. No obvious lie came to mind, and I tried to make a habit of lying to my brother only when there was no other choice.
I preferred it when he had no reason to doubt me when I absolutely needed to hide something.
I had secrets too dangerous to swear any vow of total honesty.
But Kitty writing to me was not, on its own, any kind of crime.
If Elizabeth had not alerted him to what she had seen, Darcy had no reason to think a single letter suspicious. As long as he didn’t ask to read it.
“Miss Bennet wrote to me,” I said, resisting the urge to cross my fingers behind my back. “She said their father was unwell.”
Darcy showed no sign of mistrust as he nodded, absentmindedly unfolding and refolding his letter from Elizabeth. He had no need to conceal its contents. I suppressed a bitter wave of jealousy.
“Elizabeth has asked me to join her. I have spoken to the staff here and will be on my way before noon. In all official capacity, Pemberley is under your care, but—”
“I want to go.”
For a moment, Darcy only blinked at me in confusion, trying to interpret my words.
“To Meryton?” he checked.
“Yes.”
I fought against my cheeks’ desire to turn red, hoping they didn’t betray me.
If I stayed at Pemberley, there was no telling how long it would be before I saw Kitty again.
Even if her father recovered, I could hardly expect her to return immediately, and if not, the selfishness of me desiring her presence would pale in comparison with her duties as a bereaved daughter.
Even if I got to see her for only a moment, I needed to know every word of her letter was true.
I wanted to take her hand and kiss her fingers and ask if she had felt these kinds of feelings before.
I still remembered the confusion and self-hatred I’d fought through, alone, in London, and I didn’t want her to endure the same.
To have someone beside me, reassuring me that my feelings were not a curse or a punishment or some kind of twisted abnormality would have meant the world, and if Kitty needed that, too, then I wanted to be that person for her.
Darcy took a seat behind his desk, looking me over.
“Are you sure you would be well enough to travel?” he asked, gesturing to my knee.
“Absolutely,” I promised. “I can walk, and it doesn’t hurt.”
What was one more little lie?
“And if you find yourself in the way at Longbourn House, you will return here or go on to your aunt’s without complaint?”
I barely restrained myself from pulling a face at the mention of my aunt.
Any notion that I was a human being in her eyes rather than a pawn in a game of matrimony had vanished the day Darcy had defied her wishes that he marry her daughter.
Rosings Park, the de Bourghs’ home, was the last place I wanted to go, but I would have agreed to anything for the chance to see Kitty.
“Yes, fine.”
Darcy considered it longer than I’d hoped, but eventually he relented.
“Elizabeth would no doubt like to see you. And I think I would feel better if I was able to keep an eye on you. If you remain attached to this story of an accidental fall,” he said, fixing me with a sceptical stare.
I stared back, unwilling to recant an explanation that at least mostly embraced the truth.
“Have Emma pack your things,” Darcy said. “I would prefer to get to the Bennets’ as soon as possible.”
I suppressed my grin, fleeing before he could change his mind.
My heart beat wildly as I traced my steps back to my room.
Now that the potential of seeing Kitty had become a certainty, my emotions were harder to keep in check.
I desperately wanted to see her, but I couldn’t even imagine what I’d say.