44
I finally get back to our rooms after a long few hours of pretending I’m listening and interested in what the King and his sons have to say.
I try to hide my disappointment when Xander and Cole aren’t here as I return. I thought maybe I’d missed them but there’s no sign that they were ever here.
I hear a knock at my door and spin around, striding forward to open it.
I’m desperately hoping that it’s not one of Castor’s guards ready to bring me back to another meeting. Surely I’ll get a moment's rest before the ball.
I almost sigh with relief when it’s Cole and Xander on the other side, looking pleased with themselves.
I’m glad I didn’t actually sigh, that would have gone straight to their heads.
“Did you miss us?” Xander asks with a smirk.
I smile at them. “Not as much as you guys missed me, clearly.”
“Hey.” Cole says, throwing his hands up in defense, “you were the one chasing us after the meeting.”
“I wasn’t chasing after you guys.” I snap at him, leaning against the door frame.
“Sure you weren’t.” Cole says with a smirk. “Do you want to let us inside, princess?”
I roll my eyes and step to the side, motioning with my hand for them to come in. I shut the door behind them and then turn, crossing my arms.
“Princess?” I question Cole.
“Well, you are engaged to a prince.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “And you know that won’t be the case for much longer.”
“I’m surprised you lasted this long.” Xander says, chiming in, looking down at the ring on my hand.
I tuck that hand under my other, effectively covering the ring. Xander raises his eyebrows at me.
“Or should I say, I’m surprised that he lasted this long.”
I scoff at him. “I honestly don’t know what I missed.” I say, sitting down on the sofa opposite Xander who gives me a knowing smirk.
“So, what have you two been up to?”
Xander exhales sharply. “It hasn’t been anything fun, you didn’t miss much.” He says with a pointed look at Cole, who sits down next to him.
“We’ve been monitoring the front lines, our army is holding Hidale off but they are gaining more territory in the middle.” Cole says while giving Xander an uneasy look. There’s more, I can tell from that alone.
“And?” I press, urging them to tell me what I can see they’re battling with.
Xander gives Cole a nod and he continues. “And… Hidale has gone back to that town we were in, you know, the one where we fought his men?” He looks at me, waiting for me to acknowledge him. I give him a small nod, remembering that night when I had promised that I would protect the hybrids.
“Well, when they went back there, they—” Cole stops, struggling for a moment, trying to find the right words. I’ve never heard him be so gentle, least of all with me.
It’s making me uneasy.
“Just say it.” I snap at Cole.
“They killed them all.” Cole breathes.
I feel my stomach drop so violently at his words, it's like I've just jumped off the castle tower. I grip my stomach, trying to stop the feeling.
“They killed them all and burnt down the town, there’s nothing left of Bretton.” Cole continues, as if I needed to hear more.
The air has been ripped from the room. My hand is still clutching my stomach, pressing deeper, all but begging the feeling to stop. It feels like Xander has used the artifact on me but I know he hasn’t.
I turn my head to the floor, not wanting to look at either of them right now.
I haven’t said a single word in response to the news but what could I say?
It was all for nothing, everything I did that night, for nothing.
It made no difference.
Not the threat I had made, not me killing their soldiers, they didn’t care about any of it.
I take another forced breath.
Or maybe they did care? Maybe this was to send me a message.
I look up at the guys suddenly. “They know I’m here.”
“I know.” Xander says, looking directly at me. Staring straight through my eyes, like he can see what lies beyond them.
“Why haven’t they come for me?” I ask, looking between them both. “To take me back to the war, back to Hidale or even just as revenge?”
“We don’t know.” Cole replies, his eyes weary.
“I have my spies on it but they haven’t reported back with anything yet.” Xander adds.
“Do you think they know why I’m here, or why we came here in the first place?”
“It’s very possible.” Xander says, “which is why we need to get you and the artifact home as soon as possible.”
I nod my reply, too distracted by the news of the people of Bretton to offer anything else.
“Cole?” I ask, getting his attention. He shifts his gaze away from Xander to look at me.
“Yes Maeve?”
“How many?”
“How many what?” He asks, slightly confused.
“How many people?” I knew he’d know, I knew he would’ve counted as soon as he found out.
The commander would feel just as responsible as I do.
“Two hundred and seventy eight.” He answers softly, his voice almost a whisper.
The gasp leaves my mouth without permission. My body tenses and I get up abruptly to leave the room.
“I need a moment.” I say to them without knowing if it was even intelligible.
I don’t even know why it bothers me so much, I’ve seen enough death to make me immune to it. But I knew these people, had saved them all those weeks ago. They weren’t perfect people by any means but they were not worthy of death.
There would’ve been children there too.
The thought sends me to the ground when I reach my room. I’m pressed against the cold floor as I lean my back against the bed. No tears start falling, but I feel them at the corners of my eyes, waiting.
It was all my fault, I’d egged them on, I’d taunted the soldiers, taunted Hidale.
He knew I was here, knew I wouldn’t be able to stop them.
My breathing quickens, my heart pounding faster than I’d ever heard it. I couldn’t save them, my efforts had been fruitless.
I clutch at my chest, willing my heart to slow down when I hear a thump at the door.
“Maeve, can I come in?”
It’s Xander. I don’t want to let him in but I can’t make a noise to tell him to go away. I just look at the floor and try to gain control of my breathing.
“Maeve?” He calls out again, it’s barely audible with the sounds of my heartbeat in my ears.
The beats turn to ringing and my hands drop to the floor. Supporting the weight of my body as I buckle over. I hear a crash and feel steady hands picking me up. Leaning me against the bed and brushing my hair out of my eyes.
My vision starts to clear ever so slightly and I see the outline of Xander in front of me, his mouth moving but no words escaping or at least reaching my ears.
He picks me up, so gently but rough at the same time.
Like it’s urgent.
I feel a softness at my back next, like pillows and blankets have been laid beneath me.
I lay there as he pulls me to his chest and runs his fingers through my hair, whispering unintelligible words.
I don’t know how long I’m like laying here for or how long it takes before the movements his mouth is making become audible.
Once I start to regain my senses I move my body, starting with my fingers, then my legs and finally my head to look up at him.
I feel my stomach churning as I realise the position I was in, what Xander had been doing.
My head was on his chest and my body is still draped over him.
We’re too close, this is too much.
Sweat clings to me all over, sticking my hair to my face and my clothes to my body.
Embarrassment and shock hit me both at once, heating my cheeks and making me jump out of my bed.
Getting as much distance as I can.
“Oh gods—” I rub my sweaty palms on my pants, “I haven’t had an attack like that since—”
I gulp back and take a steady breath now that I finally can. I try to finish my sentence without saying her name. “Since I was young.”
He’s still lounging on my bed, acting casual. I guess he’s trying not to embarrass me more but I can see the concern
growing in his eyes.
“It’s okay love, we all get them sometimes.”
“Not me, not about that and certainly not in front of people.” I stammer out and start to head for the door.
Xander gets up and beats me to it. “Please don’t leave.”
“Why?” I demand.
“Because I don’t want you to be embarrassed. It’s normal to be affected by so much death and it’s normal to allow people to look after you. You don’t have to be alone anymore Maeve– you’re not alone anymore.”
I turn my gaze towards the ground not able to meet the intensity resting in his eyes.
“Look, I appreciate having you and Cole in my life now but there are certain things that I will always need to do alone.”
Xander reaches forward and cups my face. I stiffen at the sudden contact as he gently lifts my face to meet his eyes.
“I promise, you won’t ever have to deal with anything alone again. I know you can and I know you’re strong enough.” He takes a deep breath, “but sometimes it takes a greater strength to ask for help.”
The look in his eyes is too much, too intense. I gulp back the burn in my throat, grab his hands and lightly take them off my face.
“I’m allowed to have boundaries, this is one.”
And with that I leave, turning invisible so I can’t be followed.
I make my way to the beach and sit down.
My thoughts are overcome with the memory of what just happened. I play it over and over in my head.
Xander had all but nursed me back from my panic attack.
It was more than I could take, too intense and too embarrassing.
I haven’t fallen apart like that since the cave a few weeks ago.
Before then I hadn’t since leaving Abigail and my first few kills at the agency, when it had been Erix who coaxed me through it.
But only before telling me how useless it was reacting like that and beating me for letting my emotions get the best of me.
I don’t know what I’d preferred, the embarrassment of coming back to myself in Xander's arms or the agonising pain from Erix. I guess both had a different kind of sting. But the truth is,
I’d have preferred to be alone.