54
I sense the change in the energy before the wall and the castle even come into view. Erador has always felt so light and full of hope.
I lean into that feeling, closing my eyes to relish in it and soak it up. Thinking about the feeling of Abigail in my arms, bringing her here to meet everyone and seeing her living her life out in peace.
Until I open my eyes and the reality settles in. That will never happen and Abigail isn’t with me.
And my time here is up.
I drop my head and look down for the rest of the ride. Even as the guards open the gates, even as I hear the music and people talking and laughing.
If I wasn’t in front of anyone, I would hold my hands against my ears to drown out the sound.
If it wasn’t for Xander behind me, I would have jumped off the horse and sprinted through the gates so I didn’t have a chance to hear or see them.
So I couldn’t remember anything about this place or these people.
I keep my head down until the horse comes to a stop and I know we’re at the stables.
When I tilt my head to look back up, I notice the sky.
It’s almost dusk, my time is running out.
I turn my thoughts to Abigail, she’s all the matters.
I’ll get her back soon.
“Are you okay, love?” Xander asks as he gets off the horse behind me and extends a hand to help me down.
“I can get down myself.”
Xander smiles slightly but doesn’t drop his hand.
“I know you can.”
I sigh and give in, grabbing his hand to let him help me off his horse.
“You didn’t answer my question.” He says looking over me, concern that shouldn’t be there, lacing his eyes.
“I’m fine.” I say bluntly and walk onwards towards the castle. I thank the gods as I notice that Xander stays back to help with the horses, giving me the space I need.
When I reach my room, I walk straight to the closet. Opening the doors and reaching in to grab my sheaths and daggers. I put them over the clothes that Xander brought me and then put my jacket back over the top. The only blade I leave visible, is the one sheathed on my thigh.
As I do my hair into a crown of braids, I start to hear deep laughter from outside. I make the mistake of walking over to my balcony to see who it is.
Xander and Cole are laughing together with Alistair, Finch and some of the other soldiers that I haven’t bothered to meet. Their eyes are filled with joy and their smiles are so wide. I have barely seen Xander and Cole like that, especially not around others.
My stomach weighs me down and tightness forms in my throat. I force myself to look away before I make any more mistakes.
I sit in my room, staring at the floor for what feels like an eternity before a knock at the door wakes me from my trance.
“Maeve?”
It’s Xander. Gods, he’s here to talk about us.
I quickly get up from my bed as my heartbeat rises to my throat.
“Just a minute.” I call out to him.
I can do this, just one conversion and then it’ll be time. I open the door so hard a rush of wind floods in.
“Maeve—” Xander says, briefly startled before he looks me up and down, brows knotting.
“Are you going somewhere?” A flash of hurt crashes past his eyes and I feel my knees start to shake.
“I um—” I start and then look away from him.
“I was going to train.”
“Oh– I didn’t think you’d be up to that so soon.”
“It distracts me.” I say bluntly, it’s not entirely a lie.
Xander nods softly, lips forming a tight line.
“I get it.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask him, even though I know the answer.
“I just thought we could talk about us, that maybe you might want to. But it’s okay. You’ve been through a lot, I know you need some time.” He says gently.
I look down, unable to meet his eyes.
He doesn’t know the half of it.
“If you’d like some company while training I can come with you?” He asks, so softly, it breaks me.
In this moment, I realise something. Xander would do anything I wanted, give me anything he thought I’d need to make me feel better, to help me.
I feel his gaze burning through me.
“But if you’d prefer to be alone—”
The softness in his voice is so unbearable that I finally cave.
“No no it’s fine, let’s talk. I can train after.” I say quickly, “let’s um, head up to the tower.”
Xander smiles softly and he gestures with his hand for me to lead the way.