Chapter 38
With Maxim hugging him, Raven felt safe. Also relieved, but that wasn’t everything. It wasn’t even the most impactful emotion he was feeling in this moment.
Maxim’s arms around him made sense. In a series of life-derailing events, this—this moment, in this place, with him—felt right.
It was how he imagined a tree might feel after being uprooted during a storm and then replanted by a caring soul, safe in the soil once more where it should be, firm and nurturing.
Before he could think about it, Raven hugged Maxim back. His fingers closed around Maxim’s shirt and, thoughtlessly, he buried his tear-streaked face in the crook of Maxim’s shoulder, soothed by Maxim’s scent.
Maxim cleared his throat. “Gods, forgive me. I shouldn’t have done this.”
He let go. Raven shivered at the loss and refused to release Maxim in turn. If anything, he was pulling him closer. Fresh tears flooded his eyes at the mere idea of a rejection—was this rejection? Raven’s thoughts were muddled. All he knew was that he wanted to be held, needed to be held.
“Please,” he whispered.
Maxim exhaled, then his arms came back around Raven. “I have you. I have you, Raven.”
Around them, the darkness was so quiet that the smallest noises, of leaves moving in the breeze or of city animals moving on small paws or claws, was noisy.
Raven took it all in. There was a calm joy in this moment that required nothing of him, nothing at all, and yet, he was willing…
He wasn’t sure, but he thought that maybe, maybe, he was willing to offer something to this moment and to the person sharing it with him, if only to make it his own.
“Thank you,” he said, but he knew it wasn’t enough. “No, that’s not—I don’t want to thank you.”
A rumbling chuckle ran through Maxim, and his right hand moved. Raven could almost imagine that Maxim was stroking his back.
“You don’t?”
“No…it’s not what I mean. I like this.”
“You like this.” Maxim’s voice was flat. Not harsh, not eager. Flat.
Raven felt a chill, and he flinched. He wasn’t going to be discouraged this easily.
“Yes. I like that you’re holding me.” He swallowed. “I think maybe…maybe I like you.” More. “I don’t know how I mean that. I don’t know. Everything’s… It’s just that I think I might like you as more than a friend.”
“Ah.”
“Are you going to tell me that’s bad?” Raven was dreading the answer.
He knew he might not have been able to even ask the question in any other situation, but like this, in Maxim’s arms, where he didn't have to look at him, it was okay.
Everything would be okay if he stayed only in this moment. Raven could see that, could believe it.
“Why would I tell you that’s bad?”
Raven took a stuttering breath. “Because… What happened. What they did. To me. Maybe there are rules about how I can’t like people anymore.
I…I imagine bad things. Doing bad things.
To…that vampire and the werewolf. Not all the time, but sometimes.
Maybe I shouldn’t date? Because…because it damaged me somehow or made me so I can’t be with someone, you know, in the normal way? ”
This time, he knew he wasn’t imagining it. Maxim stroked his back. A small movement, but undeniable.
“Is that what you think?” His voice was no longer as flat.
“I don’t know. I do think about it. Sometimes, I can’t stop thinking about it.
Other days, it’s like I feel so stupid. People survive worse.
They survive cancer or getting hit by a car, and I’m here, healthy, and I can’t get over something so, so…
I think I’m making a big deal out of it sometimes. Bigger than it has to be.”
“You’re not. We don’t measure one pain against another. We recognize that all of it hurts and aim to soothe the hurt. That’s what defines us, as people.”
Raven’s head was reeling from the effort of understanding what Maxim was telling him.
On an intellectual level, he knew that what Maxim had said wasn’t complicated to follow, but there was a disconnect—diffuse, like fog or the rippling surface of a clear pool when you toss a rock into it and can no longer see the bottom.
“I can’t tell if you’re saying this is the last time you’ll ever touch me or not.”
Raven knew he’d never have said that to Maxim a week ago. Maybe not even yesterday. Before the incident, he might not have said it to anyone in precisely this way. He needed to know though, some part of him wanted an answer, and wouldn’t rest without it.
“Hah. Raven, dearest, you are asking me for a lot, do you know that?” His voice was soft now, warm. Pained, almost.
Raven thought hard, his mind racing, trying to hold on to anything, anything at all.
“It’s not against any of your rules. There’s no exploitation, and you’re not endangering me.
” He gasped. “Also, if you’re worried that I can no longer handle a normal relationship, you have to protect me from that.
Because you have to protect those who cannot protect themselves.
You said those are the tenets of being a hunter. ”
Maxim stroked Raven’s back again.
“Don’t you think you’re twisting that, hmm? You’re not damaged, and you’re free to fall in love as you please.”
“Then…why can’t I fall in love with you?”
Maxim was silent for a long time. Raven thought he wasn’t going to get an answer, that Maxim would just stop holding him and pretend this had never happened. When the fear of that had Raven very nearly crying, Maxim finally spoke.
“I worry that you are confusing love with gratitude, with a desire to please.”
“I am grateful. If this is about that night when I snuck into your bedroom—”
“Shh, no. Not at all. You didn't want that then, I know that. I’m glad you came to me and let me help you.”
“I feel safe with you. I like being around you. I…I like the way I feel when you hold me.”
There was another silence, shorter this time.
“I see. Well, I won’t deny you happiness, but there are going to be conditions, should you decide to fall in love with me.”
Raven shivered. “What?”
“You’ll have regular sessions with someone whom you feel you can trust. With me by your side if that is helpful. You’ll let Heath help you find such a third party. He has a list for you.”
“You mean a therapist. I’ll…I’ll have to tell them everything?”
“Not unless you want to. They are meant to help you sort your thoughts. For instance, they will help you learn that you never were and are not now damaged in any way. Those who did this to you are. Not you. Never you.”
Raven nodded, his throat in the raw grip of pain. Maxim stroked his back again, up and down. Raven focused on it until he felt soothed.
Raven nodded again, and Maxim went on.
“You may change your mind always. We will have several candid conversations as needed. That is nonnegotiable.”
“I think I can handle that.” He breathed deeply, the air flowing easier now. “Can I ask for something too?”
“Oh? I was under the impression that you’d just gotten your way, Raven.”
“Well, I mean…”
“I’m teasing, just teasing. What is it, dearest?”
Raven swallowed. “I like this. I know that’s silly. Who except babies likes being held? But can you hold me? Sometimes, when I ask you to?”
Maxim huffed. “Yes. Yes, I’ll hold you, Raven, whenever you ask. This I promise you.”
Raven exhaled, a heavy weight that had been crushing him without him noticing leaving him suddenly. Like that, his mind was lighter, and the world around him just a little brighter.
A whine from behind Maxim made Raven lift his head off Maxim’s shoulder. Ume was sitting there patiently, a tennis ball he’d procured from wherever in front of him. He was watching them, but apparently getting tired of waiting his turn for attention.
“Do you know what my superhero name is?” Raven asked.
“I wasn’t aware you had one. Do tell.”
Raven chuckled, and finally, slowly, he pulled back. Maxim’s arms remained around him, falling to his waist. Their eyes met, and Raven realized he wanted to be seen, not just as what he was but as what he could be, had been. As what he didn’t even dare hope he might become, someday.
“You have to guess. I’ll give you a hint though.”
He stepped away from Maxim, losing touch, but still feeling held.
“Watch this.”
He picked up the tennis ball, and Ume stood, excitement rippling through his body. Raven tossed the ball, and it went far into the darkness that was Seneca Park, Ume rushing after it.
“Hmm, is it the Tennis Toss?”
Raven laughed. Oh, he laughed as if he were free. No. He laughed because he was going to be free.
Maxim listened and walked next to him with a smile on his face. Raven wasn’t sure whether he reached for Maxim’s hand or Maxim for his, but before the last of his laughter had rushed out of him, they were holding hands and walked after Ume, who was taking his time fetching that tennis ball.
That was okay though. Raven wasn’t in a hurry.