Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Charlotte glanced in the looking glass once more with a critical eye.
Nothing would hide the shadows under her eyes or the sick pallor of her freckled skin.
A wave of nausea roiled in her stomach as she glanced at the untouched tray sitting on the table in her bedroom.
Aamina would not be pleased, but it was time for her moment of reckoning with Peregrine.
The man she had attempted to push out of her heart and leave in the past.
His mere presence stirred a long-forgotten pain in her chest and a familiar ache in her body.
He reminded her of what had been missing, all these years alone.
The motherly love she so generously bestowed upon Aurelia would never be enough.
Her heart—and her body—craved more. The ache that persistently thrummed within her was a constant reminder of what only he could give her.
Once she told him the truth, he would be furious.
He would tear the roof off Fermoy with his bellowing rage.
Or perhaps he would be reasonable? Perhaps his passions were less strong once the sun shone and the warm blossom-sweetened air drifted into his bedroom.
Charlotte waited until Aamina confirmed that the earl had eaten a meager meal.
His appetite hadn’t yet been restored, which added to the pile of worries overwhelming her thoughts.
Charlotte had hoped the food would have put him in a better mood.
With a flourish of her brush, she untangled her long brown hair and braided it, curling the braid into a chignon at the base of her neck.
It was the simple country hairstyle she had lived with for many years.
She saw no one besides the servants and her child most days, therefore had no reason to dress in the latest fashions or maintain the most intricate hairstyles.
She lived as a shadow, appearing in her own spaces, spending time with her daughter, and the garden.
The rest of the time, anyone watching the estate would not know she even existed.
It had been easy to maintain her presence a secret from Perry while he was unconscious.
Now, he was awake. And bewildered. And very heated, she remembered with apprehension.
She rubbed her wrist where he had grabbed her the other night, startling her out of her nightly routine of watching and caring for him in silence.
Little had she known that it was the beginning of the end.
Her peace had been shattered. Charlotte closed her eyes to the woman in the mirror and pressed a hand to her breast.
Would her heart ever cease racing?
She would convince him to keep her secret. Satisfy him with a half-truth.
He would convalesce until he was able to venture to his estate, which shouldn’t be too long.
With a loud inhale, Charlotte stood and adjusted her skirts nervously.
She walked through the hallway to his bedroom, the familiar pounding in her chest sickening, as she faced the person she both longed for and dreaded to see.
A warm flush heating her skin, she smoothed the skirt of her most becoming gown, the one that accentuated her best features, hoping in desperation that she could seduce him into silence with her charms. She shook her head as she faced the door to his bedroom.
These meetings would have to come to an end, for propriety’s sake.
Reminding him of the strictures of society might make him leave sooner, to protect her reputation—of which she had none—but he wouldn’t know that.
Her skin tingled as she pressed her palm to the door and attempted to calm herself before the confrontation. She had to keep the upper hand, and she needed to win. Charlotte had too much to lose.
Peregrine had a life of wealth and comfort waiting for him in the city.
Charlotte had no such options. Her secret must be kept, or else she would be condemned to a life of shame and scandal.
There was also her family to consider. If news of her presence at Fermoy came to London, the ton would gossip mercilessly about what had kept her away so long.
They would question why she had never married.
At this moment, she was still forgotten.
Her hand caressed the knob reluctantly, and she knocked on the door, awaiting Perry’s response.
“You may enter,” came the voice inside the room.
Charlotte turned the knob, her eyes lowered as she entered the room to avoid his heated blue gaze.
“Good morning, Charlotte.”
Her entire body reacted to the brusque way he said her name.
She would have to find some charm within her, since she had to convince him to respect her wishes.
Charlotte despaired, knowing she had not kept her charm skills particularly honed in the last ten years…
There had been no reason. Sitting in the rich, golden velvet upholstered chair next to the bed, she folded her hands primly in her lap and cleared her throat.
“Good morning, my lord,” her words struggled to come out, her voice suddenly thick. “How good it is to see you looking so…refreshed.”
“I feel much restored after such a deep sleep last night.”
Silence stretched between them as Charlotte chose her words.
Unfortunately, they wouldn’t come.
“Charlotte, please explain to me your presence here. Help me understand why I believed you dead and buried these last ten years. Even as my eyes rest on your familiar face, I still cannot believe it.”
Charlotte released a slow exhale. Her hands shook in her lap as she considered the correct path for her thoughts.
How much could she reveal? How much did she have to divulge to satisfy him?
The fewer lies to keep track of, the better.
She quickly sorted the information in her mind, hoping much of it would stay hidden.
Safe. Peregrine gave her an impatient look and brushed a hand through his hair with his good arm.
“Charlotte,” he said, his mouth tilting up into a ghost of a smile. “Please, help me understand.”
“I’ve been living in seclusion for some time now, as was my choice many years ago.”
He kept his unwavering gaze locked on her, surely studying her for signs of deception. “Almost ten years now. I knew you had taken ill. My father told me you had died. During our time together, you seemed in perfect health, so I found it unbelievable.”
Charlotte sighed, avoiding his eyes. The dishonesty shamed her, but the reality of what she was protecting kept her strong. Manipulating a few truths was worth the effort. It was embarrassing to discuss such intimacies with a man who seemed like a perfect stranger to her now.
“When I returned to London after summering at Fermoy, I began to feel symptoms of a condition. I was constantly unwell, often bedridden, and too weak to stand. My parents recommended that I postpone the wedding to Dewberry and take to the country to regain my health. The doctor said I was in grave danger. There was little hope of a full recovery. We believed time in the country might be healing.”
Perry narrowed his gaze, examining her for signs of…deception?
A fine sheen of sweat broke out over her skin. Did he sense that she wasn’t telling him the whole truth, or was it simply her imagination?
“I recall you were engaged to the viscount,” Perry said as he made a disgusted face. “Dewberry was at least double your age. You were but a girl of twenty. I’m glad you didn’t go forward with the nuptials, even if it did leave you in a bad spot.”
Charlotte cleared her throat and played with her hands in her lap. His scrutiny made her heart race. She gathered her courage; the performance must continue. Failure was not an option.
“While I was recovering, the viscount took a liking to another young woman. She was much more robust and ready to marry. It was easy to turn his head. He grew impatient and concerned that I might not be a healthy bride. They eloped to Gretna Green, and I was left—cast off and rejected. I brought great shame to the family.” There, Charlotte was happy with the way her words were mostly the truth.
“My options after that were few. I was a discarded fiancée.”
Mostly.
“None of it was your fault, surely you can recognize that,” he said as he reached out his hand from the bed and placed it on hers to quiet their fretful movement. “You could have married another.”
Charlotte blinked back the tears at his mercy. His kindness. His touch had always been so comforting. So irresistible. She reached for it, as a moth irresistibly drawn to a flame.
“They told me that since I was still unwell and not able to return to society, I could stay for as long as I needed to recover. My family never rejected me or made me feel like a disappointment, but I knew I had let the greatest opportunity of my life slip through my fingers. If I returned to society, I would forever be branded a sickly, jilted bride.” Reluctantly, her gaze drifted to connect with his.
“I couldn’t bear it.” Her heart broke at the pity she could see in his eyes.
If only he knew how much she didn’t deserve it.
“Your family abandoned you in the country. When I returned to the city, I sought out an audience with your father, and he made me believe you were near death’s door. That you might never return.”
Charlotte huffed. “My father did the best he could with the situation. I had yet to be abandoned by my betrothed. Since I was already removed from society by my illness, it was difficult to come back after such a blow was dealt by Viscount Dewberry. It was agreed that I would weather the storm of the scandal in the country. You see, the ton assumed I had left because of my prolonged illness. And of course, once my betrothed called off the match, the gossips went wild. I had no idea when I left for the country that I would never return. But it made the most sense for me. My family offered me their support and protection. I would hide my shame in the deep recesses of the countryside. It was no hardship to be in the place I truly loved.”
Peregrine choked on her last words. He coughed, and Charlotte handed him his glass of water.
Her eyes evaded his look of sympathy. Shame washed over her and she sank deeper into the chair.
She waited for him to finish his drink, hoping he would be satisfied with her story.
Best to focus on something that didn’t make her feel worse than she already did.
“I deeply regret not asking for more information. Your father wouldn’t tell me where you were. My own father wouldn’t allow me to break off my engagement. The duke then told me you had died. Though it killed me, I did as he commanded. I had no reason to fight if you were no longer of this world.”
Nervous energy coursed through her body.
Charlotte stood and walked to the window, finding solace in the lush greenery of the garden shining outside.
Off in the distance, she could see Aurelia with her nurse, strolling in the direction of the pond, possibly, or perhaps the village.
Charlotte gritted her teeth, watching as they moved further away from the house.
She had permitted the excursion, as long as they remained unseen, but this was too close for comfort.
Ann had failed at staying out of sight.
Charlotte would have to remind her of the seriousness of the situation.
She was not ready to tell Peregrine everything.
There was a small chance he would leave her be. She was not sure how that would feel; in fact, she imagined it would be devastating if they parted ways once more, but she was ready. The pain was worth the risk, as it always was. Anything for Aurelia.
“I am grateful to my parents for facilitating my escape to the country, whilst also suffering the onslaught of judgment from society in my place. After staying at Fermoy for a certain length of time, I realized I didn’t want to go back.
My sisters’ reputations recovered enough, and they made successful matches.
I had no desire to return in the middle of their seasons and create an uproar.
I am sorry if you feel you have been deceived, but I do not regret the choices I made for myself. ”
Peregrine’s eyes bored into her back as she watched her daughter disappear from view. She turned to meet his intense gaze of disapproval.
“I came for you. I was ready to marry you. You were gone.” His gaze softened as he beckoned her to sit next to him on the bed. “My father is the one who deceived me.”
A pang of mercy for him lit in her chest and she sat. He took her hands in his and gave her a look of such tenderness, she flushed with shame.
“I never told them what happened between us,” she said, and watched as his mouth flattened at the words. “I treasured our time together that summer. I would be grateful if you did me the kindness of forgetting you have seen me.”
His face fell at her request. “What kind of scoundrel am I for ruining a beautiful young woman and leaving her to waste away in the country? That is not the man I am. You must allow me to satisfy my honor.” He brought a hand carefully to her face and leveled his gaze with hers. “Let me make things right, Lottie.”
“I am content here, my lord. I want for nothing. I would have no reason to return to the city—to the life that I never belonged to. How would I even explain my sudden reappearance?” Sweeping her palms over her skirts in a smoothing motion, Charlotte’s gaze flitted to his, assessing his willingness to respect her wishes.
“You could only make things right by leaving and forgetting that you ever saw me here. "
“You do not miss the company of your family? The excitement of the city? Surely it is a life spent in much loneliness out here. That hardly seems like something you deserve.”
Charlotte cleared her throat. “I enjoy the solitude. I stay busy in the garden, reading, and all sorts of quiet pursuits that I would likely be too busy for in the city. As I said before, I am content. You may return to your wife with a clean conscience.”
Perry scoffed. “My wife is dead.”
Speechless, Charlotte ignored the heat creeping up her cheeks.
A strange new hunger coiled within her at the admission.
No. She was resolute and would not change her mind.
Her choices had been stolen from her in the past. It would not happen again, regardless of how the new information affected her.
Perry must leave.
It was the only solution.