Chapter 42
MOLLY
The bedroom door clicks shut behind my mother, and I listen to Autumn’s cheerful chatter as it fades with her footsteps down the hall.
I sit motionless on the bed, my arm still tingling where my daughter leaned against me.
I wait until I hear the front door open and then close again before I can relax.
No, relax is the wrong word. I can just be content that if we end up having a screaming match, Autumn won’t hear it.
I can’t believe after all this time, the decision of whether or not to tell Joshua about Autumn was taken from me this way. It’s one thing I can hate Sarah for. This would never have happened if that bitch had kept her hands to herself.
Now that Autumn and my mom have left the apartment, the silence between Joshua and me feels anything but comfortable.
It feels almost claustrophobic now, pressing into the walls, the floor, the space between Joshua and me, squeezing in on us and destroying the easy peace that had fallen between us before Autumn came in.
He hasn’t said anything yet and I don’t know what to say. I feel like I should apologize, but at the same time, that doesn’t feel like enough. And I want to know what he’s thinking more than anything.
He got up and walked over to the window once we were alone, and he’s still there with his back to me.
He looked pissed off when he walked over there and yeah, I get that.
His back is tense, and I know he’s still pretty angry, but what I need to know is whether he is happy to have a child and he’s angry with me for not telling him about her sooner, or whether he’s angry because he has a child.
Knowing that will help me know what to say to him.
Or at least I hope it will, because I need something that can help me through this.
I keep my eyes turned down, watching myself as I play with the cuffs of my pajama top. I want to break the silence, but I’m unsure where to begin. Eventually, it’s him who breaks the silence and even though his choice of words gives very little away, I’m still glad he has broken the silence.
“You didn’t tell me,” Joshua says. Not a question, but a statement.
I look up. His voice isn’t angry, but there’s something sharp behind it. Maybe it’s pain. Maybe it’s disbelief. Maybe it’s a bit of both causing a weight to press against his ribs, the same as the one that is pressing against mine.
“I know,” I say softly. Another statement. I’m not ready to ask him how he feels about this, because I don’t think I’m ready for the answer.
“Why wouldn’t you have told me about her?” he says. And there it is. The sixty-four-million-dollar question. The one I have been both dreading and waiting for.
The words lands heavy between us. Joshua speaks softly, his voice isn’t dramatic or full of anger. It’s just full of pain and a raw honesty that makes it hurt more. I would have preferred him to yell at me. I think.
I sit up straighter, and he must hear the rustling of my movement, because he turns towards me once more and I can finally meet his eyes as I speak to him.
This has been a long time coming, and now it’s out there, I’m going to answer his questions as honestly as I can, and if I can look into his eyes and he into mine, he will hopefully see the truth, and hopefully, also the turmoil that has rolled within me all these years.
I don’t want to play the victim here, but I hope he sees how hard keeping Autumn a secret from him has been, that it was never an easy choice.
“Do you remember Vegas?” I ask.
He blinks, caught off guard by the question.
“Of course I do,” he says, and even in the midst of all of this, he smiles slightly at the memory.
I smile faintly back at him.
“And do you remember how we left it?”
He nods, slowly.
“You slipped out of my room and out of my life after that one night.”
“Yes. I left and I didn’t leave my number. I didn’t have yours either,” I say gently. “We were both in it for the moment with no expectations. It was that one amazing night and attempting to keep in touch would have washed the magic away.”
He nods again, slower this time, like it’s only just occurring to him that at first at least, I had no way of telling him even if I wanted to.
“I didn’t even know your last name,” I continue.
Joshua’s expression softens just slightly, the creases in his brow relaxing. But the question still lingers there, in his eyes.
“I get that. But why not after that, once you knew who I was and you know, saw me every day.”
“I thought about it,” I say. “And it wasn’t an easy choice.
I went back and forth so much I felt seasick half of the time.
I didn’t want you to think I had done it on purpose, like I wanted to trap you or whatever.
Finally, I decided to tell you, but then I heard some things that made me think twice. ”
He frowns.
“Like what?”
“Like how upset you seemed when you thought your ex-girlfriend was pregnant,” I say.
He closes his eyes briefly, understanding washing over his features.
“And how relieved you were when it turned out to be a false alarm. It made me think you didn’t want kids in your life.”
Joshua rubs a hand over his mouth, then through his hair, and then he shakes his head.
“I get how it sounds when you hear it like that. But it wasn’t about not wanting kids,” he says. “It was about not wanting kids with her. I never loved her. I barely liked her toward the end. And the idea of being tethered to her forever … well it wasn’t something I wanted.”
He trails off, shaking his head, and we both fall quiet for a moment.
If he is saying I should have told him about Autumn, and he was pissed off about this other girl because he didn’t love her, does that mean …
No, he can’t mean that. I’m reading too much into his words.
I have to let that thread go and try to make him understand how I felt.
“I didn’t know any of that,” I say. “I only knew what I heard. And I panicked. I thought if you knew, you’d either reject her, or worse, you would try to take her from me.”
“I would never do that,” he says.
I’m not sure which part he’s referring to – rejecting her or trying to take her, maybe he means both – but I go on anyway, because he still doesn’t get it.
“I didn’t know that, Joshua,” I snap, then immediately I soften.
“I didn’t know that. You were my boss. You were powerful.
And I was just me. A new hire trying to stay afloat.
I had only worked at the company a week or so then, and all I really knew of you was that one night in Vegas and the smell of your cologne in the hallway.
So, I kept quiet. Maybe I was wrong, but I hope you can understand where I was coming from. ”
He turns to face me again, and there’s something new in his expression now. Not just shock or confusion. Something deeper. Regret, maybe. Or hurt.
“You really thought I wouldn’t want her?”
“I thought you’d resent her,” I whisper. “And I couldn’t bear that. Not for her. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to do anything, because I don’t want anyone in my baby’s life who is only there because they feel like they have to be.”
The silence falls between us and stretches out again. Joshua walks to the far end of the room, pauses and puts his hands on his hips, then he removes them and comes back. He’s pacing now. Processing things.
“She’s incredible,” he says finally. “That little girl. I’ve known her for two minutes, and I already… Let’s just say she’s something. Something special.”
A tight ache coils in my chest.
“She’s my whole world,” I say and despite everything, I can’t help but smile as I think of her.
He slowly shakes his head.
“And I missed all of it.”
I don’t reply to that because I don’t know what to say. After a moment, he stops pacing and comes and sits back down on the bed.
“Look I understand that you couldn’t tell me when you had no real idea who I was. I even think I kind of understand why you were worried about telling me when you first came to work for me. But as we got closer, how could you still think so little of me?”
“It’s not that I thought little of you,” I say.
“I just thought you didn’t want kids. I already had that idea in my head and then that night we spent at your place after Oscar’s christening.
We were barely done having sex and you ran from the room to get me some water to take my birth control pill.
That kind of confirmed you were worried I might get pregnant. ”
“What? No … I thought I was doing you a favor getting you the water. Because I remembered that night in the office, how you took you birth control right after we … you know. I thought it was you who was terrified of being late with it and getting pregnant.”
“Sure,” I say, and I raise an eyebrow. “Because nothing screams I’m ready to be a father like a man practically shoving a water bottle into your hand so you can swallow your birth control pill.”
He groans, rubbing his face.
“Christ. I didn’t realize I came off that way.”
“You did,” I say, softer now. “And I internalized it. All of it. The night in Vegas when you told me how work was going to be your main focus after the trip. The way you talked about not wanting to be a father with your ex-girlfriend. It wasn’t just one thing, Joshua.
It was a dozen tiny signals that told me you didn’t want that kind of life. ”
He leans forward; his eyes narrowed slightly.
“Is this the real reason why you kept saying us being together was a mistake, why you wouldn’t give us a chance? It had nothing to do with not dating colleagues, did it?”
I meet his gaze. Slowly, I nod my head.
“I don’t generally date colleagues, but trust me, you would have been an exception,” I say.
He inhales sharply, then he stands up in one sudden movement.
I flinch. Not from fear, but from the sudden chill that seems to have permeated the room. Joshua stands beside my bed for a moment, and he looks down at me. His eyes are full of something I can’t decipher. Sadness? Disappointment? Anger? I really don’t know what it is.
He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t make a sound. He just turns away from me and walks to the door.
“Joshua,” I whisper.
His hand is on the door handle, and I feel like if he walks out now, he walks out forever, and although I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to convince both him and myself that nothing can happen between us, the thought of him walking away fills me with a deep sorrow.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my throat tight with unshed tears. “I didn’t know how to do this right. I didn’t even know what right looked like.”
He pauses for a second, and I think he’s going to come back and talk this out some more. But I’m wrong. He looks back away from me and he opens the door and steps out, letting it close behind him with the softest click imaginable.
And still, it echoes through the room like a gunshot to my heart.