Chapter 12 #2
“Because,” Austin said, and the words felt like a vow he wasn’t sure he could keep, “your Mama was right. The things that matter always find their way home.”
“Even if they’re scared?”
“Especially if they’re scared.”
They stood there a moment longer, watching the ripples spread where the duck had disappeared.
Then Percy slipped his small hand into Austin’s.
“Come on, Uncle Austin. I’d like to see if there are any ices.”
“You’ve been awfully quiet, Deena. Is something on your mind?” Selina asked softly as Deena’s lady’s maid, Elise, pulled on her corset strings.
“I’m fine, Selina.” She replied breathlessly.
“You are not fine.” She took the chair opposite Deena, smoothing her skirts with deliberate calm.
“You’ve been staring at doorways as though you expect someone to walk through them and solve your problems. And when Austin finally appears in the room, you look like a woman who’d been handed a loaded pistol instead of a dance card. ”
Deena’s cheeks heated. “That’s dramatic.”
“Is it?” Selina tilted her head. “From what I heard…you two were the only pair who ignored the three-minute rule. The entire lawn was noticed. Apparently, all the young ladies nearly fainted from envy.”
“We were… simply discussing something important.”
“Important enough to make you laugh so loudly the dowager dropped her fan?” Selina was unrelenting. “What’s going on, Deena? Truly. I had a strange conversation with Austin earlier, and I’m just worried about both of you.”
Deena frowned. “What did he say?”
“He takes the scandal in the Daily Scribe too lightly, and he wonders why he cannot find the right wife.” Selina rolled her eyes and sat heavily in the opposite armchair.
“He stated that he wants the right wife?”
This was news to her.
“Yes, he very clearly stated that he’s looking for the one. I thought you knew this?”
“I did not.”
Selina grinned at her.
“What are you grinning at?”
“You do know what that means, right?”
“No…I’m afraid I don’t.”
“It means he wants more. And he has been spending more time with you so maybe he’s interested in —”
“He’s Dominic’s best friend, Selina. And you know the reputation he carries. There’s no way we could be… something else.”
Selina leaned forward slightly and whispered gently, “Everyone has a past, Deena.”
Deena thought about the time she walked in on Austin talking to her brother in their library about how he was treated like an outsider back at the Windemere estate. That night, she sat in her chamber, remembering Austin’s words and feeling less alone.
“Yes, everyone has a past, but that doesn’t mean you become London’s finest rake because you weren’t treated right. Anyhow, I am assisting him to find a wife.”
Selina sighed, then frowned. “What do you mean you’re finding him a wife?”
Deena’s throat tightened. “I mean exactly that.”
Selina’s eyes narrowed at her. “Do you not like him?”
The question landed like a pebble in still water.
Deena opened her mouth, then closed it and tried again. “No, I don’t.”
Selina waited.
“I mean—” Deena’s voice cracked. “I can never like him. He’s the Velvet Duke. He’s… impossible to love.”
“That’s harsh, Deena. Even the Velvet Duke deserves to be loved,” Selina said kindly.
Deena pressed her lips together.
Selina reached across the small space between the chairs and touched her wrist. “What’s the real problem, dearest?”
Deena stared at their joined hands. “I don’t know how to answer that without saying things I’m not ready to admit.”
Selina squeezed once. “Tell me one true thing. Just one.”
Deena swallowed.
How can I tell her or anyone the truth?
Deena knew how much her brother and his wife wanted her to marry and live a normal life, but there was just no hope for her in society anymore.
Selina’s smile barely hid her disappointment.
“Selina, I—”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m being pushy again. You do not have to talk if you’re not comfortable, Deena. But I’d love to say this to you: you are so loved and valued by me and your brother. There is nothing more we want but for you to be happy.”
Deena felt comforted by Selina’s words.
“I love you and Dominic, too.”
“We know… I just always longed for you to be with us, ever since Dominic told me about you. In all the years when you were hiding in Paris,” Selina said quietly. “Years when you were trying not to feel anything at all.”
Deena’s eyes stung. “I’m still trying.”
“And failing,” Selina said without judgment.
Deena gave a small, helpless laugh. “Great, I failed at trying too!”
Selina leaned back, studying her. “Do you want to keep failing? Or do you want to let yourself feel whatever this is…even if it terrifies you?”
“I do not know what ‘this’ is,” Deena whispered. “I don’t know what you expect from me.”
“You should be asking yourself that, darling.”
Her words pierced straight through.
Deena closed her eyes and thought about the letter lying in her dressing table drawer. It always surprised her that something as simple as a piece of paper struck great fear in her.
Silence wrapped around them, soft and patient until Selina spoke again, more gently.
“You don’t have to decide everything today.
But you do have to start opening up. And I believe that you have been opening up a little to the Duke of Windemere, whether you admit it or not.
You have carried everything alone for so long, Deena.
People cannot help you if they do not know what you are carrying. ”
Deena opened her eyes. “I’m afraid if I tell anyone, even you, I’ll lose control of it.”
“You won’t lose control,” Selina said. “You will share the weight. There is a difference.”
Deena looked away, afraid that Selina would see right through her. “What if the weight is too heavy? What if the truth is…too messy?”
“Then we’ll clean it up together,” Selina said simply. “That’s what family does.”
Deena felt the first hot prick of tears as she turned to Selina and smiled. “I’m afraid, Selina.”
Selina’s eyes softened. “Oh, Dee, that’s normal. We all must do things we’re afraid to do to grow.”
Selina reached out again, this time taking both of Deena’s hands.
“You make it sound so easy,” Deena whispered as her sister-in-law held her hands gently.
“It’s not,” Selina admitted. “But it is worth it. Every terrifying, messy, beautiful bit of it.”
Deena looked at their joined hands and briefly thought about sharing with Selina, but that would mean opening up to Dominic, too.
“Thank you, Selina,” she eventually said.
Selina smiled. “Anytime. Now, dry your eyes. You’ve got an afternoon full of matchmaking nonsense ahead of you.”
Deena laughed again, this time lighter. “How wonderful.”
Selina stood, pulling Deena up with her. “We need to find you something to wear that will make certain dukes lose their composure. The game is called a Duke Hunt for a reason.”