Chapter 3 – Kat
THREE
KAT
When they say you shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach, they really mean that.
By the time appetizers begin circulating, I am three glasses of champagne deep. With every glimmer of light that bounces off that devastatingly perfect diamond, I take a massive gulp.
Engaged? He’s engaged?!
How is he engaged?
Okay, I objectively know how these things work, but Elijah is engaged? This has got to be a joke. My heart races as dizziness overwhelms me.
Gulp.
“Are you okay?” Tanner leans over and whispers in my ear. We’re over halfway through dinner and I’ve taken two bites, but boy are liquid calories really doing it for me tonight.
I take a sip of my champagne and feel it burn down my throat like a slow-moving fire that leaves behind a refreshing, fizzy sensation. It radiates from the roof of my mouth and lingers on my tongue as I swallow the last bit. The bubbly liquid swishes around in my stomach, providing me with a newfound dose of confidence, causing me to sit up a little straighter.
“I’m fine.” I try to put on a brave face, but my voice cracks as I force out the lie. My eyes wander, unable to meet his inquisitive gaze as he awaits a more honest response.
“Kat—”
“I said I’m fine!” I pep up with a stab of my fork into the succulent piece of chicken on my plate. As I lift it to my lips, I find the smell is anything but pleasant. It should be—it objectively smells good—but the thought of eating is not appealing. Still, I force it past my lips, chew it twice, and swallow. “See, I’m fine.”
Despite his obvious lack of faith in my words, Tanner backs off. However, I don’t miss the way Elijah’s eyes are locked on me. My reaction really shouldn’t be a surprise to him; it hasn’t been all that long since that night. If anything, I’d say it would be weird for me to suddenly be chill.
That and, well…I’ve never been the chill type.
Finally, as dinner comes to an end, Jenna and Marcus make their way out to the dance floor for their first dance. I’m just thankful that it gives everyone, including Elijah, something to look at other than the pathetic woe-is-me expression of his now halfway-to-plastered ex-girlfriend.
I turn in my seat to watch Jenna and Marcus and it brings me a short-lived sense of calm. Jenna really does look incredible—not that I would expect anything less from her. She’s always been stunning. Her tight ringlets stay firmly in place in her updo as Marcus sways her to the music, the song unfamiliar but reminiscent of Frank Sinatra. Her tanned skin has a sheen to it, the lights dancing off the shimmering body lotion to which she’s been loyal since we were teenagers.
She looks like a dream, a picture of Aphrodite’s elegance.
The song eventually comes to an end and, once they’ve had their respective parent dances, the guests are invited onto the dance floor.
I’m not given even a moment to think as Tanner drags me from my seat.
“No sulking. This is a wedding, with an open bar. We’re having fun!” He twirls me as we reach the center of the dance floor, the fast-paced beat managing to reluctantly pull me from my wallowing.
At least for now.
Tanner pulls me to him as I try to lose myself in the moment. However, I still struggle to pry my eyes away from Elijah and Evelyn as they stand on the fringes of the dance floor, each holding a glass of champagne.
I thought I was past this. I thought I would be more okay seeing him with her again—but I made that assumption thinking that she was simply his girlfriend, like many other women I’ve seen him with over the years.
After a few songs, the tempo changes, shifting to a song I haven’t heard in years. A song that once filled me with an overwhelming amount of emotion now has my stomach in knots of discomfort.
Hunter Hayes’s familiar tune begins to play and Tanner wastes no time in pulling me to him, still not allowing me to slip away. We’ve danced together dozens of times over the years, usually inebriated, but always in good fun. However, I don’t feel fun, and I think he can tell .
“What’s going on?” he whispers against the shell of my ear as I try to match my movements with the tempo of the song.
My eyes lock with Elijah’s across the dance floor as he holds Evelyn to him, the significance of the song seemingly only a concern of mine. Every symbol, every memory, every memento…I realize they all mean more to me than they ever did to him. How embarrassing it is to know that despite knowing all of that, I still ache for him like I did at twenty years old.
“Nothing,” I say, my voice cracking.
Tanner grasps the bunched fabric at the back of my dress tightly. “Katarina…”
“Please drop it. I’m fine, let it go.”
And to my surprise, he does. He’s never been the type to push a sensitive topic or make me uncomfortable. But I don’t miss the disappointment in his eyes as I shoot him down.
I count the seconds until the song is over, at which point I gracefully exit the dance floor. Well, perhaps not exactly graceful—more like a half-sprint to the bar, then out to the garden. I need air and a fresh glass of champagne.
As soon as the crisp air hits my skin, bumps spread across it like wildfire. It feels unseasonably chilly for July, but the lake effect can be a bitch, I guess.
“What are you doing out here?” A phantom voice travels from behind me. Unfortunately, I’d know that voice anywhere.
“Getting air.” I pull my champagne flute to my lips and take a long, drawn-out sip. This doesn’t seem to sit well with Elijah as he slides his fingers over mine, gently grasping the crystal stem and tugging the glass away from my mouth.
“I think you need a break, Kat. ”
“And I think you need to leave me alone.” It comes out far snippier than I intend it to, but I don’t have the wherewithal to offer pleasantries right now.
He seems to get the hint, but his silence only lingers for a few seconds. “I didn’t plan for you to find out like that…”
I scoff, earning me a glare. “How exactly did you think I would find out, since you didn’t tell me?”
“Honestly? I assumed Jenna would have told you.”
A few years ago, that would have made sense, but Jenna and I don’t talk most days. She is still one of my best friends, but our relationship is not what it used to be. It’s comfortable, and while I would like to think she would have told me, she’s also been planning a wedding.
“When did it happen?” I glare down at the ground, the blades of misty grass sticking together with a glistening glow.
“About a month ago.”
“You’ve been engaged for a month and didn’t think to shoot me a text? You knew I’d be here.”
“Well, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Letting you know wasn’t at the top of my priorities.” Something in the look I give him causes him to double back. “That was shitty to say. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” I say as I reach toward him and yank my drink from his grasp, my glare not breaking, “it was.”
The sound of crickets chirping and mayflies humming fills the stale air between us, but we don’t move. The silence is all-consuming, but it’s only because nothing needs to be said. We know each other too well now. It’s not uncomfortable; it’s just…sad.
Everything it could have been, everything we once were, all swirling in the air in a breath-catching haze .
A biting shiver runs down my arms as a gust of wind picks up. Elijah tugs at his sleeves, the unerring gentleman I’ve always known even amidst this awkwardness.
“Don’t.” I hold up my hand and he stops. “I’m going to head up to my room. My head is starting to hurt. I’ll just text Jenna and let her know why I left.”
He nods silently and walks alongside me toward the French doors leading back into the hotel.
“Can I walk you up?” he mumbles.
That feels like playing with fire, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t ache for more time with him. I know after tonight I probably won’t see him for a while, so his mere presence feels in short supply.
“If you must.”
We silently pass the reception hall and head toward the elevator, which stands open next to a long table filled with chocolates and flowers. The sound of my heels against the tile floor is loud in the silent space as the doors close behind us.
The elevator dings as it reaches the third floor and I step out into the hallway. I anticipate Elijah heading back down, but I’m surprised to find him tailing my steps.
“I’m not a child—I can find my hotel room without assistance,” I say, struggling with the key card.
He moves toward me, forcing me to step to the side before he takes my card and swipes it, opening the door for me.
“Thanks,” I mumble as I push through the doorway, stumbling slightly. When I’m only about a foot into the room, he grabs my arm.
“Kat…”
With every fiber of my being, I try to avoid looking at him, but he holds me in place until I do. “Believe it or not, I do care. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you; I wasn’t sure how. We didn’t exactly leave things on great terms.”
I think back to the last time I saw him. I’d do anything to change how things went for us. When I fell in love with him all those years ago, I never would have imagined we’d end up here.
Twenty-five and him engaged to someone else.
It was supposed to be us.
I simply nod, which seems to encourage him enough to release my arm.
“Get some rest, okay?” he says softly before backing away, leaving me in the doorway and disappearing down the dimly lit hallway. I watch as he enters the elevator before I close my hotel room door.
How the hell did we get here?
Kicking off my heels, I revel in the feeling of my feet against the carpet, the ache of the day setting in despite being dulled by the alcohol.
I trudge to the bathroom, hastily scrubbing off my eyeliner and mascara with a warm cloth. I run my toothbrush over my teeth, rinsing away the day before climbing into bed. Pulling back the white duvet, I sink into the cloud-soft mattress, cocooned in silence for a few moments until the sound of laughter and music floats through the wall from the room next door. Rolling my eyes, I throw an arm over my face, trying to ignore the fact that it is only 10:00 PM.
Don’t these people have any respect for other guests?
As I lie in bed staring up at the ceiling, I find myself replaying the day’s events. I knew it would suck, but I didn’t anticipate the level of anguish I would feel seeing Elijah again. He holds so much power over me even though we lead entirely separate lives now.
I hope one day that goes away, at least in some capacity.
The sound of pounding bass and boisterous laughter somehow gets louder, drifting from the wall behind my bed and making it nearly impossible to hear anything else.
I sigh and grab the blanket, wrapping it tight around me as I walk out onto the balcony. The garden below is illuminated by a few small lights, but beyond that lies only darkness. The moon is hidden behind a thick bank of clouds, but stars twinkle all around, tiny pinpricks in an otherwise black sky.
The wind pushes the clouds away, revealing the full moon. Its milky light shines above me as I look up, imbuing me with a sense of peace and comfort. Maybe the full moon is why today has been so weird. I’d like to think it is something as simple as that, but it’s never been simple.
Elijah and I were never simple. From the day I met him, it was messy and painful, yet invigorating and all-consuming.
Goodness—what I’d give to be able to go back. Redo it, do it differently, go back to the very first night…
Haven’t we all thought that once or twice? Wished to have the ability to go back and make better or different choices?
I sway as I squint at the night sky. A tiny streak of light pierces the darkness, streaking across the velvet canvas of stars before disappearing into the horizon.
Weird .