Chapter 43 – Kat
FORTY-THREE
KAT
How? How did I just stand there and say nothing?
Elijah actually said that, and I said NOTHING.
I know I should be more focused on the fact that Jenna actually decked him in the face, for which she deserves a big hug and maybe a nice steak dinner, but I can’t stop thinking about how I just stood there and said nothing. I froze, like a frightened deer caught in the blinding beams of headlights. I was paralyzed, unable to move or think, and now all I can think about is all the things I should have said.
Fuck you , for one.
I can’t help but recount what just happened. As I stand in my bedroom, staring at the blank wall, replaying every word over and over in my head, the tears dry on my cheeks and I am left feeling empty. The sound of doors slamming and voices shouting has died down, indicating that everyone has gone home. But I am still stuck here, unable to shake off the numbness.
I jump at the sound of knuckles rapping against my bedroom door, followed by Tanner’s familiar voice. “Kat? Do you mind if I come in?”
At first I don’t say anything—not because I don’t want him to, but because I’m silently questioning if I even remember the sound of my own voice. It so clearly failed me downstairs, so why would now be any different?
“Kat, open the door, please.”
My hands tremble as I fixate on the sound of his voice. My heart aches to let him in, to feel his warm embrace and the comfort that comes with it, but an invisible barrier holds me back.
The door begins to creak open and Tanner slowly steps through, an ice roller in one hand and a glass of water in the other. I notice that he’s changed, now significantly more comfortable in a pair of gray sweatpants and a tattered old Kent State hoodie. He doesn’t say anything as he approaches me, just sets the water down, followed by the pink roller.
My swollen, teary eyes lock onto Tanner’s as he stands over me. I long to reach out and feel his warm hand in mine, but my body freezes with indecision. My mind races, questioning why I can’t even ask for help when it is so desperately needed.
Luckily for me, I don’t need to ask for him to know what I need.
Tanner kicks off his slippers under the edge of my bed, then climbs onto it and settles against the headboard, his disheveled light brown hair falling slightly into his face. For a moment, he sits in silence, then reaches over to grab my arm. He slowly pulls me toward him until I am nestled beneath his chin, his strong arms wrapping around me in a protective embrace .
And that’s it—that is the moment all of my walls come crashing down. The tears that I had been desperately holding back now flood free. It’s as if his touch has unlocked the floodgates of emotion inside of me and now I can’t cage them back in.
As he holds me close, his lips brush against the crown of my head and his voice whispers in my ear, trying to calm me. But the sobs continue to wrack my body, each one a flood of emotion I can’t control.
“Shhh, it’s okay. He’s gone, you’re okay,” he murmurs against my hair.
He doesn’t let go of me. If anything, the harder I cry, the tighter he squeezes, as if by pure might he can rewind the absolute hellscape this evening has been.
I thought there wasn’t a way Elijah could fuck up my birthday more than by not showing up, but I was so wrong.
We stay like that for a while, Tanner propped up against my headboard, his strong arms wrapped around me as I lay pressed against his chest. His long legs stretch out on the bed, creating a makeshift cocoon. I get the sense he would be willing to stay like this for hours if it means easing my pain. He doesn’t know it, but he is about the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart.
He shifts slightly to the side to grab the pink ice roller off the bedside table and hands it to me.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“It’s an ice roller?” he says questioningly. He’s seen me use Jenna’s on far more occasions than I’d like to admit to soothe my swollen, tear-stung eyes.
I blink at him. “But Jenna’s is blue.”
“I bought you a new one last week. Figured it can’t be sanitary sticking that on your eyes after Jenna does God knows what with it.”
A pained chuckle spills past my lips as I grab it from him and press it to my left eye. “You’re an idiot.”
“Got you to laugh, didn’t I?”
“So he really left?”
Tanner nods, but he looks straight ahead, a clear discomfort surrounding him that I wish so desperately I could remedy.
I hate that while this group—the people in this house—have become some of the most important people in my world, I’ve managed to completely throw off their lives by simply existing in them.
Maybe that was the point; maybe that’s why I came back in time and I just assumed it was to fix things with Elijah. Maybe, after all that pain and effort, the point was that I was supposed to walk the other way and never become their problem.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” I murmur.
“No.” Tanner’s voice is stern, almost angry as he pries his gaze away from the far wall and looks me in the eye. “Don’t apologize for that. That was not your fault, not even in the slightest. I seriously hate him even more for the fact that you’ve been conditioned to think you need to apologize for his actions.”
Part of it is Elijah, I’m sure, but that fucked-up habit started long before Elijah Hanas stepped into my life. I’ve spent my entire existence trying to be the right amount of pleasant and understanding to keep the people I love in my life—to get the people who didn’t love me back to see my value .
“Well, I’m sorry I made it your problem,” I say. “Had I known he would do something like that, I would have been more careful.”
“Stop that,” Tanner snaps.
“Stop what?” I ask.
“Apologizing for things you didn’t do, especially apologizing for the actions of men. I came up behind you downstairs—I put my arms around you. That, downstairs? That was nothing but a pissing match between Elijah and I that he felt necessary to drag you into. That was not your fault. Do you hear me?” He slides his finger underneath my chin and presses upward, forcing my eyes to meet his. “Katarina, do you hear me?” His stern voice does things to me that this situation could not possibly call for.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Good.” He sighs, pressing a kiss to my forehead.
Butterflies swarm in my stomach as he reaches out to gently stroke my cheek. I lean into his touch, and he pulls me close, holding me tightly against his chest. In the quiet moment that follows, I can hear the steady beat of his heart. And then he speaks, his voice soft and reassuring.
“Do you want to watch something? A distraction might be nice for you right about now.”
While I could most definitely go for a distraction, the last thing I care to do right now is laugh. It might help him after a shit day, but it just feels disingenuous. I’m not happy—I’m not amused. So I shake my head.
“Okay. Is there anything that I can do to salvage your birthday? We have most of the cake left; I can go grab you a piece and?—”
I close my eyes and press my mouth against his, savoring the tingling sensation that spreads through my body. My mind swirls with a hundred different thoughts and distractions, but all I want is to lose myself in this moment. To forget everything else—the pain, the chaos, the uncertainty—and just be present with him. As our kiss deepens, I can feel it all slipping away, if only for a little while.
He slowly pulls away, his eyes heady with lust as he says, “Kat, we don’t have to.”
I reach out and grasp his hand, clinging to it as my heart pounds inside my chest. I whisper, “I want to.”
The warmth of his palm soothes the ache in my chest. I know that giving into these feelings will only bring temporary relief from the pain, but unpacking and dealing with them is a daunting task for another day—a day I’m not quite ready for yet.
As Tanner leans toward me, the faint scent of peppermint lingers on his breath. His soft lips graze against mine, sending shivers down my spine. “Okay,” he whispers before slowly pressing his mouth to mine in a gentle yet firm kiss. The warmth of his touch spreads through my body and I can’t help but melt into the moment.
So I do—I melt. I let every fear about the future and what it means for Tanner and me melt away. I welcome the reprieve from Elijah ripping open my biggest, most withstanding insecurity tonight. For once, I surrender completely to the love that has been simmering beneath the surface for I don’t even know how long.
I know I’ll have to face everything soon, but right now I just want to pretend we aren’t just friends who sometimes fuck.