Chapter 14
Laney
For the rest of the day, Cole and I texted whenever I had a free moment.
I couldn’t get over that giddiness skittering all over my skin whenever I had a new message from him.
I’d been afraid that after our outing last week, my undependable heart might raise some walls.
The opposite was happening. I needed to see him.
This time, I was determined to actually be awake and full of energy when I met him, so I was happy we were meeting after a shorter shift.
I’d willingly worked extra hours since starting at the hospital, so my colleagues glanced curiously at me when I announced that I was not lingering today after my eight-hour shift.
I’d dreamed about being a doctor since I was a little girl.
In first grade, our teacher asked what we wanted to be when we grew up.
I’d said with all the confidence in the world that I wanted to be a doctor.
That answer had never changed. I’d never doubted my choice—not even in med school, when I’d first realized how difficult it all was.
But on bad days, I did wonder if I really was suited for this profession. A bad day at the hospital meant I couldn’t save all my patients. It happened right at the end of my shift.
I wasn’t just mourning the patient who passed, but also the loved ones he’d left behind.
I wasn’t sure, but maybe losing Ryan had sensitized me to this.
I always insisted on talking to the family too, saying a few kind words.
I wasn’t sure if it helped, but I wanted to be there for them.
Talking to this guy’s family was particularly difficult for some reason.
His mom and sister were just stunned, a feeling I understood so well.
I was breathing in and out, blinking rapidly. My eyes were burning, and my chest was tight. I just needed to get someplace where I was alone, and then I could let it all out.
I walked at a brisk pace, focusing on every step, on staying strong. I couldn’t lose it in front of the patients. A crying doctor was a huge no-no. It would just make them doubt the competence of the hospital staff, and I didn’t want to make any patients or their relatives uneasy.
I headed straight to the shower in the changing rooms. I turned the water on at maximum pressure, discarding my scrubs and underwear and stepping under the spray. Then I finally let a sob out, and all the tears I’d held back before.
I spent twice as long as usual in the shower, right until my breath was back to a normal rhythm and my chest was no longer heavy. I was light-headed when I stepped out from spending so much time under the hot water.
I dressed carefully before blow-drying my hair, which was when I noticed my appearance. Awww… I was a mess. Not only were my eyes red, but somehow my whole face was swollen. How was I supposed to meet Cole when I was in this state?
I didn’t look date ready, and I didn’t feel like it either. What I needed was a cup of hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, some fuzzy socks, and a rom-com. I liked to lick my wounds alone.
Laney: Hey! Had a difficult day at the hospital. Would you mind meeting on another day?
Cole: What happened?
Laney: Lost a patient :-(((((
I felt like adding a million more sad emojis but held back.
Cole: I am so sorry.
Laney: I will just head home.
Cole: Are you sure you don’t want me to come? Just saying, but I’m excellent company. I believe I’ve proved that a few times already.
The corners of my mouth lifted in a smile.
Laney: Are you going to win me over with a foot massage again?
Cole: Yeah. And my offer for a full-body massage still stands.
I laughed, despite everything. I couldn’t believe he’d managed to make me laugh. Just the thought of seeing him made me feel lighter, and just like that, for the first time since starting my residency, I didn’t want to be alone after losing a patient. I wanted to be with Cole.
Laney: I’m a bit mopey, though.
Cole: All the more reason to meet—my excellent company will cheer you up.
I was laughing in earnest now. Even though I wasn’t wearing my scrubs anymore and patients couldn’t tell I was a doctor, I kept my head down as I walked out of the hospital. There was no risk of me crying again, but my face gave me away, and I didn’t want my colleagues to see me like this.
Once outside, I darted toward the intersection where I was meeting Cole.
I chuckled as I passed two women discussing the newest fad in desserts—cheesecake with sprinkled Oreos.
So many were out, just enjoying the sunny day.
The energy of the city helped me get out of my headspace, but when I noticed Cole, my whole body felt lighter.
I stopped right in front of him, taking in all that masculine charm of his. Without saying one word, he took my face in his hands. He pressed his fingers on my cheek.
“You’ve been crying.”
My cheeks heated up. I’d hoped he wouldn’t be able to tell.
“A bit. It’s just so sad whenever we lose someone.”
“Fuck, you’re so damn adorable.” He pulled me into a bear hug, and I just got lost in his arms right there on the sidewalk.
He smelled so insanely delicious. I buried my nose in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent.
I felt, if possible, even lighter. My heartbeat slowed down, as if his proximity was all it took to calm me.
I was secure right here against his chest, with his arms wrapped around me.
Then my pulse raced up, and other instincts overpowered me.
“What do you want to do?” he asked in my hair.
“I’m not really in the mood for being out and about. But I don’t feel like going home either.”
He nodded, pulling back, taking my hand and putting it on his chest. “I have a solution. Let’s go to my place.”
“Okay.”
Cole lived in a gorgeous loft in Manhattan. I twirled around, taking it all in. White was the predominant color, with shades of blue and black.
“It’s beautiful. Did you hire a professional designer?”
“I did, actually, but the end result felt like a hotel: elegant, but cold and impersonal. I mentioned it to my family, and at the housewarming party, they all showed up with trinkets and decorative objects that instantly transformed it into a home.”
“I can actually see that happening. It’s so fancy. You have a concierge. And marble floors. And huge windows with so much light. Wow. Nothing like my tiny shoebox.”
“Why don’t you move?”
“I plan to once I finish my residency and earn more. Besides, I don’t have time to look for another place. A fellow resident had just vacated my apartment when I signed the contract at the hospital, and I took it because it was convenient.”
“You’re welcome here anytime you want.”
“Wow. Really?”
“You lit up just now. You should live in a place that makes you happy.” He touched my face, resting his thumb at a corner of my mouth.
“Wow. Every time I think you can’t be even more of a charmer, you prove me wrong.”
His smile changed from playful to seductive, revealing a dimple. “And I’m not done yet.”
I shuddered as he moved his thumb up the bow of my lip slowly. His gaze was locked on my mouth. When he pulled back, guiding me further inside the living room, I immediately missed his presence and his touch—I liked having him close.
“You know, I’d planned to go home, watch a movie, and eat things that are bad for me. But this is so much better.”
Cole laughed. “It’s about to get even better.”
“Oh? What’s the plan?”
“Don’t have one. We’re spontaneous today.”
I sat on the couch, wiggling my toes.
“Well, I’m ready for anything.” I sighed, moving my fingers in random patterns on the soft couch.
“That’s a dangerous statement.”
“Uhh… you’re devious.”
“You haven’t seen devious yet, Laney.” He said the words almost in my ear. My whole body hummed. Cupping my face, he skimmed his lips over mine, licking my lower lip once. I was on fire. When he pulled back, I pouted. “All in due time.”
“When exactly is that?”
“We’ll see.” He grinned, straightening up. I looked around, sighing. “I’m so happy I didn’t go home alone. Your loft is just so much warmer and welcoming. I already feel more relaxed.”
“My loft…? So I’m not a contributing factor?”
I shrugged one shoulder playfully. “The jury is still out about that.”
Cole sat on the armrest, looking at me.
“Do you want to talk about today? Does that help?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never really had anyone to talk to.”
“It’s your call.”
“When doctors say it’s part of the job… they don’t really mean it.
I suspect it’s just a way to stop people from asking more questions.
At least, that’s what I usually say when people ask about it.
It affects me, but I’ve learned to live with it.
I try to remember how many people walk out healthy, and…
I don’t know. It gets to me every time. I don’t always cry.
I’ve never actually seen other colleagues in tears, except the occasional intern who is just starting out.
It’s the only time I question if I’m cut out for this. ”
“You’re a sensitive person, Laney. And you’ve been through a lot. It doesn’t mean you’re not strong. You feel everything intensely.” His voice was soft, and so were his eyes.
“Thanks for saying that.”
“I mean it. I like that about you. You’re not afraid to feel things.”
Swallowing hard, I whispered, “I am afraid of some feelings.”
“That’s understandable.”
I nodded, smiling. His words were just what I needed to hear. The confirmation I craved that being upset didn’t mean I wasn’t cut out for the job. I was allowed to feel down, even as a doctor. Being afraid didn’t mean I was a coward.
I trailed my fingers up his thigh, then up his chest, drawing my middle finger in small circles around every button. When I looked up, I simmered at the unabashed heat in his eyes.
“Why don’t you sit next to me?” I asked.
“The lady needs a different angle to fondle me?”