Chapter 27
Vanian
It’s been a week since we took out Alex Fetterman, and a lot has changed since then. Not externally. Not in ways that would be noticeable to anyone but me, but my whole life shifted the moment I bumped into Nantes again.
As I work on updating the chart from my last appointment, the truth hits me like a ton of bricks.
I can’t do this anymore.
Nantes nailed it. I was so caught up in my obsession with ridding these kids of their nightmares I didn’t realize the toll it was taking on my mental health. It’s left me depleted. How effective a therapist can I even be at this point?
I hear the click of the front door opening and closing and the quiet rustle of Nantes removing his shoes. That’s the other thing that’s shifted. I have big feelings for him, feelings I’ve never had before about anyone, and I’m pretty sure I can’t walk away. Even just two hours away.
He enters the office, and the warm smile and affection on his face solidify the decisions bouncing around my head. It’s a lot, but the alternative doesn’t feel right.
“What’s wrong?”
Shaking my head, I smile, gesturing for him to come over to me. “Nothing’s wrong, Bends. Everything is better than it’s ever been.”
He settles on my lap, shifting his weight so as not to crush me, and runs his fingers through my hair. “Need to talk?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
His smile fades, and I see the worry seep into his features. He thinks I’m leaving.
“I’ve been thinking a lot over the last week. You can probably tell.”
“Yes.”
I tickle his palm as I consider how to say the things in my head. “Reconnecting with you has changed everything. In ways I never even considered. Not just my sexuality, but the way I was living, the trajectory of my future. All of it is different now.”
He nods, delicately chewing on his bottom lip.
“I’ve taken it all to heart. Everything you’ve said, the way I feel here with you and your family. Honestly, I don’t know how I lasted as long as I did without you.”
“I feel the same way.”
“And sure, Chicago isn’t far, but waking up and falling asleep next to you, having coffee with you, talking about my day with you, listening to you talk about yours… I want that, Nantes. I want it every day.”
His jaw drops. “What are you saying?”
“You were right. I can’t keep doing what I’ve been doing, and that means I have to make major changes, including my career.”
He looks so concerned. I have to hurry and finish this.
“Nantes, I… I’m in love with you.” I blow out a breath. “Fuck, that feels so good to say out loud.”
Nantes blinks rapidly, staring at me like he doesn’t recognize me.
“Did you hear me, Bends?”
“I’m not sure. I might be having some kind of hallucination.”
Smiling, I brush my fingers across his cheek.
“You’re not. I’m in love with you. I love you.
I’ve never felt anything like this before.
People always say your partner should be your best friend, and that’s what you are, what you’ve always been.
But this thing, these feelings, they’re next level for me. I don’t want to be two hours from you.”
“You’re… in love with me?”
“Yeah. It feels good, too. I kind of thought maybe I wasn’t wired correctly.
All I cared about was my work, and relationships never got my attention long enough to fall in love.
Most of the dates I had fizzled pretty quickly because I wasn’t there emotionally.
” I take his hands in mine. “I’ve never felt so raw and vulnerable, yet so absolutely safe in my life.
That’s something only you and I can create.
I might be a shitty boyfriend—I’ve never really been one—but I promise you have my attention.
You have my everything. You, Nantes, have my heart. ”
His eyes turn glassy as he finally smiles. “Wow. I’ve been so scared waiting for the day you’d say you had to go back home. I knew it would hurt as much as the day you drove off for college. Do you really mean it, Van? You’re not gonna leave?”
“I’d like to stay. Obviously, I have things in Chicago to wrap up, but I want to be with you.”
“What about your job?”
I shake my head. “I’ll figure it out. I have some savings I can live on for a while. Maybe I can find work here. A few years ago, one of my colleagues left to work with queer youth. Maybe I could do that.”
“That’s noble, and certainly needed, but I worry the same triggers would still be there for you. A lot of stories there that aren’t good.”
I nod. “I thought of that too. I need to be useful though. I need to help.”
“You’ll figure it out. I’ll be here to support you as you do.”
“I know.” I rub circles on his sternum. “Could you love me back, Nantes? Could you see yourself building a life with me?”
His gaze softens as he drapes his arms around my shoulders. “Of course I can. You were my first crush, and I spent way too many nights imagining us together.”
“Even back then?”
“Oh yeah. I got over it, obviously, once I knew there wasn’t even an inkling of that in you.”
“Little did we know.”
He laughs softly. “What a surprise.” His gaze intensifies. “I don’t want you to leave. I want to keep building this new thing between us. I want to love you out loud.”
“That sounds amazing.” I lean in and kiss him, pressing our foreheads together when we break apart. “You’ve changed my life, Nan. You’ve made everything better.”
“You gorgeous man. You’re a dream come true.”
“Even with what I’ve done?”
He sits back on my lap, focusing on me. “I know who you are in the truest sense. I know what kind of heart you have, and it’s breathtaking.
Part of why I did what I did with you was to show you I’ve got your back.
I don’t judge you, and I get it. All I want is to put it behind us so we can move into a bright future together. ”
“You’re so unreal, Bends. You blow my mind.” I cup his face. “I love you.”
He puts his hands over mine. “I love you back.”
“What now?”
“Anything we want.”
“In that case, why don’t I take you out to dinner and show you off, then I’ll bring you back here and fuck you until you beg me to stop.”
“I’ll never beg for that.”
Pulling his hands to my lips, I press a kiss to them. “We’re going to have a great life. I just know it.”
“Let’s get it started, then.”