Chapter Thirteen #2
“My fever broke just before I went into labour.” She took a shuddering breath in and he wanted to tell her to stop, that she didn’t have to relive the pain, that he was sorry he’d asked.
But he didn’t. Because a part of him wanted to know, to understand.
Was he hoping her words would allow him to trust her or prove to him he had been right to think of her as a danger? “My daughter never lived.”
She took another deep breath, then looked straight at him.
“My husband died that night, too. Caelin came to sit beside me, touched her tiny hand, whispered to her the same way he’d been whispering to her as she grew.
Nonsense, mainly. He was young. But it was clear it meant something to him.
We buried them a few days later. Together.
For months, when he spoke of her, Caelin kept saying she’d been cold.
Over and over. She was so cold. I’m so afraid. ”
Arne almost missed the last sentence. It wasn’t said in a different tone or at a different volume from the others.
Neither did she turn to him. She simply sat there, staring down at the sleeping boy.
He reached over and took both her hands in his own, drawing her gaze to his face.
He felt a shiver run through her and she turned her head away.
“Gemma.” He waited until she looked back at him. They stared, each as shocked as the other as something passed between them, some sense that they might be able to share their pain.
“Everyone I love dies,” she murmured.
It was little more than a whisper, and yet he heard it.
He stood, twisted his hands around and pulled her to her feet, then stepped in closer to her.
Their gazes held as he waited. He felt her trembling, felt her heat through their clothes.
His body began to respond, so he dropped her hands and moved away.
This wasn’t what he’d been offering, and he refused to torture himself with a possibility that could never happen.
“Many people have tried to kill me and failed,” he said. “You are not the most dangerous of them by any stretch.”
“But those who want me for their own ends are. They would not hesitate to kill a Norseman. Marcant killed his own brother-in-law while a guest in his home. My brother… Did he order my father’s death?” Her voice broke.
“I don’t know. Ylva went over on the ships after the siege. But she had returned before we heard the news. We heard it was King Causantin who demanded it.”
“Queen Eithne’s brother.” Gemma made a face. “She cares for no one but herself, and perhaps her son, Eochaid.”
“I know another woman who is fiercely determined to keep her son safe at all costs.”
“I do not kill others to ensure my own safety and certainly not for my own ambitions.” She whirled around and took a few steps away from him, stopped when she reached the bed and sat down on the edge of it. Her fists were clenched in her lap, tension visible in the rigid set of her spine.
He found this Gemma easier to deal with than the other one. This one was fierce and didn’t need him. The other one was making him believe in her, that she really was an innocent victim just trying to do her best in a complicated situation.
Then she sighed and put her head in her hands. “I don’t know what is happening to me, to us. I don’t know what to do, whether I’m making the right decisions for Caelin or not. How did this happen? I was a princess.”
“You are still a princess.”
She laughed. “And look where it has got me. Hiding from a snowstorm in a tiny shieling on a bleak moor at the edges of my father’s kingdom with one of the men responsible for my father’s death, my husband’s death, my daughter’s death.
I don’t know how I ended up here. I just want my life back the way it was. ”
Arne said nothing. Indeed, what could he say? There was nothing untrue in her statements in one way, although the situation was far from straightforward. But she was looking at him, her hands fisted by her sides, her whole body shaking.
“I did not kill any of those whom you loved. We cannot change the past. None of us can ever go back.”
“No, but I want to know we have a future. That he has a future, at least.” She gestured towards Caelin.
“Everywhere I turn, people hate me or fear me. The only place I have felt safe in the past year has been in the midst of my enemies. Except for your presence. You reminded me constantly I didn’t belong there, that it was not somewhere I could stay. ”
He wished he could deny her accusations. It was true he had been wary of her motives, blamed her for Bjorn’s injuries, suspected she would betray them at the first opportunity. The truth, however, was she hadn’t. And she had left Kirkjaster in a misguided attempt to keep the settlement safe.
He took a deep breath and moved slowly towards her, then stopped in front of where she sat on the bed. “That is not how I see you. Not now.”
She frowned at him and waved away his assurance. “You think I am going to betray you. You use that fact to control me. Limit my freedom. Make me feel guilty for something I haven’t done. Would never do.”
“That… It was a risk I couldn’t take again,” he stated.
“When you look at me, you don’t even see me, do you? You see another woman. The one who did this to you.”
She stood and cupped the side of his face. Her fingers were warm on his skin and, while there wasn’t feeling all over, there was enough to make him shiver.
“You don’t know whether you are a monster or a victim, Arne, and when you look at me, you can’t tell which I am either.”
“You are not a monster.” He put his hand over hers, held it to his face, waited for her to pull away, but she didn’t.
“Not yet. But if I have learned anything, it’s that there are few limits to what I may need to do to protect myself and Caelin.
What I am willing to do to protect him. I have seen Ylva and how strong she is.
She has shown me how to fight, although…
” Gemma stopped and let her hand drop from his face.
He knew what was coming next, what he was indeed guilty of, so he let her go.
“It was you, wasn’t it? I thought it was Bjorn, but it was you who stopped her from training me.
You who decided I should not be allowed to carry a weapon. You wanted me to be defenceless.”
“Defenceless? You can already fight. I didn’t want you to be able to kill us in our beds. And the others agreed.”
“At your suggestion, I’m sure. You think I couldn’t do that?
This is my brother’s kingdom. I know which plants kill.
A few drops in your ale or your food and you would never wake again.
I don’t need a weapon to kill you, just to protect myself and my son from others, and you took that away from us.
How could you risk our lives like that?” She pushed at him, but he was ready for it and didn’t even flinch.
Everything she accused him of was true. But the one thought stuck with him was that she’d accused him of not knowing whether he was the monster or the victim.
He caught her arms as she pushed against him again, her frustration and fear making her lash out. He held her fast, afraid she would go outside. She squirmed, trying to twist from his grip, but he was not going to let her go.
“Stop, Gemma. Stop and listen. Please. I did what you say. It’s true.
But… but earlier, when you said I was always watching you…
It was because of this. Tormod said that if Ylva did not train you, then your safety was my responsibility.
If anything had happened to you, he would blame me.
I would be punished for failing to protect you. ”
She stopped trying to get away and, taking deep breaths, searched his face. Her frown lines deepened. “That is why you were watching us?”
He nodded.
“You said it was because you didn’t trust me. Because you thought I was a threat to Kirkjaster.”
“Both things are true.”
“Everyone there was so kind. Except you.”
“It was my job to protect you, not to be kind.”
“I thought you hated me.”
He touched her chin with his fingers, turning her gaze to his but unable to read it.
One thing he was sure of was that when it came to her, his emotions were entirely jumbled.
He had no clear sense of how he felt or whether he saw her as a friend or an enemy.
She unsettled him. Standing so close to her, he sensed the turmoil within her, and felt a sudden need to lift all her burdens away from her.
Promise to watch over her forever, promise to help her and her son reclaim what was rightfully theirs.
“I don’t hate you.”
She had been about to pull away from him, but instead she stopped and stared up at him.
She opened her mouth as if she were about to speak, but he would never know, because he lowered his head and kissed her.
Her arms came around him and she kissed him back, opening for him when he ran his tongue along her lips.
He put his hands on the back of her waist and pulled her closer to him, revelling in the feel of her tongue in his mouth touching undamaged skin with all its nerves intact.
Sensations he hadn’t experienced for years shot through him and he closed his eyes as he deepened the kiss.
He stopped, lifted his head and opened his eyes.
“Don’t stop,” she whispered. When her arms tightened around him, he was sure she wanted whatever was happening between them as much as he did.
Not that he knew what was happening. Or even if anything could happen.
But for now, he was going to take whatever she was offering and hope his body functioned better than he thought.
He had only Ingrid to thank for the most intimate scars.
He followed her glance towards the fire where Caelin lay sleeping, hidden from them by the table and chairs.
Even if the boy awoke, he wouldn’t see them.
The more people who knew about this relationship, the more risk there was to both him and Gemma and there was always a risk Caelin would say something unintentionally even if he and Gemma never spoke of it again.
Hopefully, however, he would be too focused on the cubs to pay attention to his mother.