Chapter 5 #4
‘We could do something different that would still involve children.’
He turned to her with a frown.
‘Remember when I told you about those foster families who came on the alpaca trek earlier in the year.’
‘The day you helped Victor out? You’re still messaging that woman?’
‘Linda, yes. Only sometimes, just to see how they’re getting on with their adoption plans.’
He was silent again, and when he eventually replied, it was slow and thoughtful, as if he was piecing together a puzzle as he went. ‘You want to adopt?’
‘Not adopt. Foster.’
‘But…’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t think we have the sort of life that’s good for fostering.’
‘Why not? You said yourself we have all this time on our hands during the winter… you do, at least.’
‘But you don’t, and if we had a kid in the house, it would be me who does the lion’s share of the caring. I don’t think I’m cut out for that.’
‘But you’re cut out for it when it’s your own baby?’
‘That’s different. You know them.’
‘Not when they first arrive you don’t. You didn’t know what Louisa’s personality would be like – we’ve all discovered that as she’s got older.’
‘But you’d love your own,’ he replied.
‘I love Louisa, and she’s not mine. Love is sometimes earned, not automatically given because of blood ties. And in a purely practical sense, nobody is asking you to love a foster child. They’re asking you to care for them, and the way I see it, that’s different.’
‘I don’t. To me it’s the same.’
‘OK, but I also think that if you can care for them, love will come later,’ Zoe said.
‘If they live with you for long enough. Don’t forget many of them don’t stay for long.’
‘It would be so rewarding though! You must be able to see that!’
‘I’m sure it is, but it’s not for us. Some people are good at that stuff, but I’m not.’
Zoe squeezed his hand. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘I’m not going to push you. It was only an idea I’ve been mulling over.’
‘I’m sorry I can’t be more enthusiastic. I wish I could because I’m sure it would be something that would give you a lot of happiness.’
‘I appreciate you not saying what you think I want to hear this time. There’s no point in starting down a road only to find out you really don’t want to commit.’
‘I’ll think about it, and if—’
‘Don’t. Don’t say that because I know you don’t mean it, but you don’t want to sound like someone who doesn’t care.
I get where you’re coming from. You don’t feel capable of giving that sort of commitment to a child you don’t know.
I know from what Linda has told me that it can be challenging and so you have to be one hundred per cent into it, otherwise you’re not helping anyone.
The last thing we or the kid would need is for the arrangement to fall apart as soon as they’ve arrived and are trying to settle in. ’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. I asked, and you said no, and that’s fine.
’ Her gaze went to the horizon where the dark clouds had smudged like water on a painting.
‘It looks like it’s already started to rain over there.
Maybe we should turn back; the wind is blowing this way.
It won’t be long before it’s raining here. ’
‘Griz!’ He put his fingers to his lips and issued a sharp whistle. ‘Grizzle! Come out of there!’
The dog looked up for a moment, sniffed the air and then went back to his digging.
‘For God’s sake!’ Alex huffed as he quickened his stride to collect his wayward pooch. ‘I don’t know about having more kids in the house – foster or otherwise – but I keep forgetting that this dog is enough work on his own.’
Zoe wrapped her arms around herself as she watched Alex retrieve Grizzle and clip his lead onto his collar.
As difficult conversations went, their most recent had certainly run the gamut, lurching from Alex being unsettled, Billie being bored, them having children and getting married to caring for someone else’s children and Alex admitting that he didn’t know if he had the capacity in his heart to love someone like that.
It had been illuminating and had come with some harsh truths for both of them, but perhaps that was a good thing.
Whether either of them liked the answers they’d received, at least they both now knew where they stood.
The first spot of rain fell into Zoe’s hair, and she pulled up her hood, shivering at how unexpectedly cold it had been. The air seemed to freeze around them all at once, and she could smell the clouds sweeping down the hills and valleys towards them, like damp winter thunder.
‘Come on.’ Alex put an arm around her. ‘Let’s get you back. You look cold.’
‘I’m all right.’
‘Are you really?’
When she looked up to see him studying her, she knew that he wasn’t talking about how the weather might be affecting her. She nodded and forced a smile. ‘Yes. Totally all right. Are you?’
‘I’m always all right when we’re together. I hope you know that. I meant what I said that time you nearly left me—’
‘I never nearly left you!’
‘But I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had. And you must have been thinking about it because I know I deserved it. But I said to you then that I want you in my life no matter what, and that’s still true. It will always be true.’
‘Same here.’
Another rod of freezing rain landed on Zoe’s nose and rolled down onto her jacket, quickly followed by more.
‘You were right,’ she said. ‘The forecast was wrong, and you were right.’
‘It’s not often that happens,’ he said with a quick grin. ‘We’d better get a move on before we get soaked through and Griz stinks of wet dog all night.’